Survivor Palau Week 1

I’m going to start off this season by pointing out why – in spite of CBS’s claims to the contrary – this season of Survivor will be as predictable as the last.

CBS tried to imply that somehow Survivor Palau would be different. Even at the beginning of the premiere they made a big deal about how the contestants had to row to their new home with “nothing but the clothes on their back.” I’m like, SWEET! Now we’re talkin’! Sure, there are probably coconuts and some fish, but without a machete and a map to water, there is going to be some real “Surviving” going on for a change! FINALLY!

What? Oh...what do we have we here at camp? A machete and a map to water. Silly mortal.

But it’s still cool, right? The women are wearing dresses and stiletto heels. That ought to increase the fun factor, right? I was salivating at the thought of Jolanda trying to maneuver on a balance beam in her g-string and pointy-toed Manolo Blahniks. Perhaps Willard dragging his ancient carcass across the sand in some slick Bruno Magli’s. Way to go CBS! ‘Bout time you made it a little tough for the kindergarten class. What? WHAT??? What’s going on? Is that Jeff “Anal” Probst with a bag of CROSS TRAINERS??? Mother of PEARL ISLANDS, why don’t you just bring them some Hilfiger running suits and a bowl of caviar while you are at it? Maybe follow up with a pedicure and some cognac. Refresh my memory: When did Survivor cease to be about actually “surviving?”

Me thinks it was after the Survivor Africa crew almost got eaten by lions. Might have been some liability there. But still!

Then CBS tried to shock us by suggesting that not one, but three castmates would leave the islands on the first episode. YESSSS! Some cutthroat action…a diabolical twist reminiscent of “The Twilight Zone” perhaps. A challenge to make “Gladiator” seem like an episode of Sesame Street. I rubbed my hands together in anticipation, waiting for the excitement to begin….

Tick. Tick. Tick. (hitting microphone as crickets chirp in the background…”Is this thing on?”)

The big “shock” was a 2005 version of “Pick the Teams” that put me in a flashback tailspin as I was thrust back to 5th grade gym class. Ms. Barker, who personified every gym teacher stereotype ever invented, would push a pair of thick, black sports glasses up her nose and “bark” out directions like the female drill sergeant she clearly wanted to be (and with whom she was probably living in sin). Ms. B was notorious for the “Pick the Teams” horror that most of us have faced at some point in our lives. For me it was a mixed blessing: if we were playing kickball I was the queen of the castle, guaranteed to be Captain Vicky Sparks’s second or third pick (depending on whether or not we were fighting that week). However, if the sport du jour was anything requiring speed or agility (like the torturous Dodgeball with seven or eight of us pudgy weaklings lined against the brick wall…where’s the skill? I mean, how could you NOT hit us?), then I was hosed. The blood would drain in my face as the teams got bigger and bigger and the pool smaller and smaller. OH, THE HUMANITY! If Vicky and I were not friends that week, she’d save me for last and roll her eyes in disgust at the prospect of being FORCED to pick me (since no one was left). The therapy has helped a bit but I still occasionally have nightmares.

But I digress. The big, exciting showdown turned out to be an embarrassing bust. As the 20 Survivors rowed to their new camp, they were told that two immunity necklaces awaited them at the new camp and the first male and first female to get to shore and nab them would be guaranteed an extended stay in their Pacific home. Jolanda and Ian were the lucky winners and became the captains of the new Survivor Teams as they were asked to begin picking members for the two tribes. Each person subsequently picked had to choose someone else of the opposite sex…which was kind of sad, because I’m sure some of them just opted for the person whose name they could remember. The last two left would be going home. Unfortunately for moi, one of the two losers was Wanda, the English teacher who had actually written several songs for Survivor (and who actually belted them out in her own private, psychotropic-induced Broadway musical as they rowed to shore at the beginning of the episode). So, so sad. I lost a BOATLOAD of report material with Wanda. DOH! Jonathon the all-American stud was the other one to go when the token geriatric Willard was selected before him. WARNING! EGO CRUSHING IN PROGRESS!

I have to confess, tears streamed down my face as Jonathon and Wanda departed in a speedboat. Admittedly, they were tears from laughing at Wanda, who stood with arms outstretched as she belted out one of her Survivor Grammy winners in her wet grandma slip (I’d slip her a few dollar bills if we were at the bar). Several of the remaining members seemed to be crying for real….so apparently you CAN form lifelong bonds with 19 total strangers in less than 24 hours. The day the music died…sniffle, sniffle…and all the nightingales stopped singing. Wanda was their FRIEND! So, so sad…

So much predictability…so little excitement. After the horror of the 1978 gym class team picking, the two teams – Koror and Ulong - got to spend the night on the beach together. Scandalous! And neither team even got a free dinner out of it.

The next day brought the first combination immunity and reward challenge. Players had to maneuver through an obstacle course (no kidding? An OBSTACLE COURSE? Now THERE’S a novel concept for CBS) where they had to grab some weighted trunks bearing much-needed supplies and carry them to the finish line. The elder and wiser but overall uglier Koror tribe opted to take only one trunk containing fire-making supplies. It appeared to work as they kicked the butts of the younger and prettier but smellier Ulong tribe, who decided to take every trunk they could possibly carry and even picked up a few rocks along the way. It may have seemed as though the heavy load slowed them down, but actually, if you look at the video very, very carefully, their downfall came when the guys had to help Jolanda over a high wall. As they hoisted Jolanda’s colossus, muscular arse up, her thong suddenly SNAPPED, momentarily blinding several of her helpers. It took a few moments before they could recover. Personally, I don’t wear thongs because of the danger. In fact, Tipper Gore and I are campaigning to get warning labels on all thongs, g-strings, and otherwise skimpy underwear. I think we can save a lot of lives.

The crowning moment of the show came as the Koror tribe rowed to their new home on a different island, away from their arch nemesis, Ulong. Suddenly a great tsunami came along and toppled their boat, sending all hopes of fire tumbling in the weighted trunk to the bottom of the sea. I heard somewhere that Geraldo Rivera is going to find the trunk and open it on his next Prime Time special. Stay tuned.

Tribal council came and went…it came down to Angie, the freak with 1432 tattoos, skimpy black underwear, and sweaty, hairy armpits…or Jolanda, the loud, boisterous, obnoxious attorney with the retina-damaging thong. The lesser of two evils prevailed and the Ulong tribe decided to oust the killer thong. Victoria’s Secret will never be the same.

In lieu of any other interesting activity, I have noted a few early observations:

*Coby, the hairdresser, is as fruity as a mango. Shampoo, cut, and blow dry? $45.00. Airplane ticket to the Survivor Palau departure zone? $457.00. Shot of Coby on national television in front of millions of viewers wearing his pink shirt around his waist like a mini-skirt with his man-boobs a-bouncin’? Priceless!

*Big Tom’s cousin is apparently on Survivor Palau and his name is James. In spite of Jim Varney’s passing, I think the classic, award-winning “Ernest” movies can at last continue…Know what I mean, Vern?

*Janu was apparently too good to row with the rest of the Survivors as they headed to shore for the first time. She sat in back with her hair flowing in the ocean breeze, riding that boat like she rides her clients…er I mean the people she entertains….back in Vegas.

*Jolanda ate a grasshopper and thought she was cool. Protein, lots of protein. Hey, maybe if she could toss a few million of those to Janu, the Karen Carpenter Foundation would stop calling. Oh, wait…I just figured it out…that’s probably why Janu didn’t help row the boat. She wasn’t really being a primadonna, but in fact the oar weighed more than she did. I get it now.

*Coby and Angie formed a strong “Freak Bond” on the first day…then Coby betrayed her and didn’t pick Angie to be on his team. Bad girl! It is rumored that Angie is going to re-enact one of her tattoos on Coby out of revenge.

*Ashlee apparently went to etiquette school. I admit it. I have a prejudice. Hey, Ashlee…SLOUCH like the rest of us hunchbacks, would you? She looked like she was waiting for the Queen Mum to stop by for tea and crumpets at Tribal Council.

First episode of the season. Three members gone. No surprises. No twists. It looks like we can all expect the same old fun: lots of obstacle courses; every reward involving food and/or a massage; the loud, obnoxious ones always getting voted off early; and human nature ALWAYS getting in the way of strategy.