Survivor Palau Week 2
I wish I could say I gave a crap about this week’s vote-off. The latest Survivor victim – Ashlee – made about as much impact as a flea jumping on concrete. If she wasn’t such a prude I might actually sympathize with CBS for losing the two biggest ratings boosters since Alicia Calloway’s air pillow bra made its first appearance about a year ago. Small consolation, but they do still have Stephanie.
Week 2 began with the Koror tribe heading to a brand new camp. Their adventuresome spirit took a header when they realized that their new home WAS worse than the other one. First, the victors had to deal with some adorable little five-pound Mickey Mouses scavenging through their supplies. Ben, the two of us need look no more…because the big rats aren’t even hiding on this island. Janu was more than a little skeeved by the rodents. They probably seemed a lot bigger than they really were through her window-pane glasses. I have never seen lenses so big in my life. After the show is over she’s going to auction them off as matching end-tables.
The troubles with Koror were not limited to the hairy variety as the midnight rains began with a fury. I don’t know what they were all whining about. They could have stayed bone-dry under the shelter of Janu’s specs. Think outside the box, people!
The next day brought sun and a reward challenge. Wait for it...and...YES! Another obstacle course, with the fine reward of flint (for Ulong, should they win) and some fishing gear from the Rupert School of Harpooning. This obstacle course consisted of a rolling drum, swinging rope, balance beam and a shaky platform, all of which the contestants had to maneuver in pursuit of victory while members of the opposite team swung heavy sandbags at the enemy. It was just like real war, but without the blood, guts, or glory.
Bobby Jonboy JimBob almost made it through when some unseen force tried to propel him off the course and into the water. At first I thought it was a swinging sandbag, but then I realized it was his enlarged frontal lobe throwing him off balance. Holy Anger Management Class, Batman! In a “going medieval” moment, he hissed, “Get that thing off me!” As if that would stop the insanity. I don’t know what he was all in a huff about. His inflated ego would have easily keep him above water.
True confessions: Admittedly, I have a dark side. Whilst the contestants were jumping, shimmying, crawling, and leaping across the course, I was hoping to see some of the patented CBS “fuzzy spots” reminiscent of the one-pixel blur used on Richard Hatch’s manhood last year. Unfortunately, the only Mardi Gras moment came as Angie Tattoo-me straddled the rolling drum. I thought at first she had some contraband flashlights hidden in her lacy bra, but then I realized it was her snow-white mammaries flopping out. The light was so bright I had to put my hands in front of the TV to shield my retinas. I heard a rumor that some terrorists were going to try and use them to blind pilots. Somebody better alert Homeland Security.
Other challenge highlights: Katie had a few too many coconuts for lunch and couldn’t swing across the sand trap. Janu fell off the beam when the breeze picked up to 5 MPH. Angie was the clear dominatrix of the game, but little did her castmates know that her pit hair acted as natural rudders and helped her keep her balance. Coby did an average job prancing across most of the course, but EXCELLED at the “straddle the long, hard drum” part of the competition.
In the end, Ulong the Young won the reward. Jeff immediately went fishing for minnows, while Bobby Jon turned into the Incredible Hulk. Again. Don’t make him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Then it was Fish Fry Night and everyone filled up on clams, except for Angie, who had crabs...but she got rid of them with some ointment. Ashlee started her descent into hell by skipping the fire and social bonding and going to bed early. Don’t be too hard on her. Emily Post Etiquette does dictate that one get a solid 8 hours of sleep per night.
Back at Koror, the crew finds their sunken flint. I was cheering right along with Coby. We are THO proud of the guyth! Thuper job!
The Immunity Challenge came later and amazingly, no obstacle course. This time, Survivors had to solve a puzzle using Morse code after pulling a heavy trunk under water to release the clues. Angie was having some problems staying under the water, but that’s because she has the only real boobs on the show. Take it from me: fat floats. Stephanie, however, sunk like a rock. You do the math. Ashlee just stayed in one place because hers are saline – therefore neutral with the ocean. Tom the Fireman clearly dominated this challenge, but in his line of work he frequently drags 350-lb agoraphobics out of dark, smoke-filled apartments. So the trunk was really nothing. His efforts paid off and the old fogies of Koror won immunity for the second time in a row.
Back at Ulong, Kim and Ashlee were on the chopping block. What a dilemma! Who is helping less? What are the Ashlee Pros, Kim Cons, and vice versa? Not surprisingly, Jeff wanted Kim to stay, but he was clearly thinking with his…staff…rather than his brain. I mean, who will he cuddle with at night? Okay, sure…with Ashlee he would have much better pillows to rest his weary head upon, but he had already started to bond with Kim. Everyone else seemed torn between two losers. Then dumbass Stephanie told Kim that she was a potential vote-off. I don’t understand the mentality. These people lie, cheat, and steal their way to the million bucks but they feel some sort of warped obligation to a complete stranger (and competitor) to let them know when they are about to be axed. Lie people. LIE!
Tribal council brought the usual cryptic whining. I had to laugh when Jeff addressed the growing relationship between him and Kim by saying that “…no alliances are being built.” Does anyone not remember Rob & Amber? Jeff! She’s been giving you a woody all night long, of COURSE there is an alliance being built! There has been right from the get-go. It probably went something like this:
Jeff (staring at Kim’s cleavage): Um, maybe we should form an alliance. We have so much in common! I feel like I’ve known you all my life and I want to take you to the top with me. I think we can really do it, it’s our destiny! We are strong!
Kim (filing her nails): Look Jeff – as long as you keep me on this island, I’ll let you press up against my bum while we sleep. Deal?
Jeff (salivating with frontal lobe pulsating): Duh…burgle, slurp…glurgle gork…er…okay!
And so smug Ashlee goes home but not before revealing that she took the high road and did NOT snuggle up with that hottie Ibrehem just to gain an alliance (not like that hussy Kim!). We’re proud of you, Ashlee. And now you can go home with your wallet empty but your integrity intact. Then again, a million clams can buy a lot of pride. Think about that, Miss Manners.
Week 2 began with the Koror tribe heading to a brand new camp. Their adventuresome spirit took a header when they realized that their new home WAS worse than the other one. First, the victors had to deal with some adorable little five-pound Mickey Mouses scavenging through their supplies. Ben, the two of us need look no more…because the big rats aren’t even hiding on this island. Janu was more than a little skeeved by the rodents. They probably seemed a lot bigger than they really were through her window-pane glasses. I have never seen lenses so big in my life. After the show is over she’s going to auction them off as matching end-tables.
The troubles with Koror were not limited to the hairy variety as the midnight rains began with a fury. I don’t know what they were all whining about. They could have stayed bone-dry under the shelter of Janu’s specs. Think outside the box, people!
The next day brought sun and a reward challenge. Wait for it...and...YES! Another obstacle course, with the fine reward of flint (for Ulong, should they win) and some fishing gear from the Rupert School of Harpooning. This obstacle course consisted of a rolling drum, swinging rope, balance beam and a shaky platform, all of which the contestants had to maneuver in pursuit of victory while members of the opposite team swung heavy sandbags at the enemy. It was just like real war, but without the blood, guts, or glory.
Bobby Jonboy JimBob almost made it through when some unseen force tried to propel him off the course and into the water. At first I thought it was a swinging sandbag, but then I realized it was his enlarged frontal lobe throwing him off balance. Holy Anger Management Class, Batman! In a “going medieval” moment, he hissed, “Get that thing off me!” As if that would stop the insanity. I don’t know what he was all in a huff about. His inflated ego would have easily keep him above water.
True confessions: Admittedly, I have a dark side. Whilst the contestants were jumping, shimmying, crawling, and leaping across the course, I was hoping to see some of the patented CBS “fuzzy spots” reminiscent of the one-pixel blur used on Richard Hatch’s manhood last year. Unfortunately, the only Mardi Gras moment came as Angie Tattoo-me straddled the rolling drum. I thought at first she had some contraband flashlights hidden in her lacy bra, but then I realized it was her snow-white mammaries flopping out. The light was so bright I had to put my hands in front of the TV to shield my retinas. I heard a rumor that some terrorists were going to try and use them to blind pilots. Somebody better alert Homeland Security.
Other challenge highlights: Katie had a few too many coconuts for lunch and couldn’t swing across the sand trap. Janu fell off the beam when the breeze picked up to 5 MPH. Angie was the clear dominatrix of the game, but little did her castmates know that her pit hair acted as natural rudders and helped her keep her balance. Coby did an average job prancing across most of the course, but EXCELLED at the “straddle the long, hard drum” part of the competition.
In the end, Ulong the Young won the reward. Jeff immediately went fishing for minnows, while Bobby Jon turned into the Incredible Hulk. Again. Don’t make him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Then it was Fish Fry Night and everyone filled up on clams, except for Angie, who had crabs...but she got rid of them with some ointment. Ashlee started her descent into hell by skipping the fire and social bonding and going to bed early. Don’t be too hard on her. Emily Post Etiquette does dictate that one get a solid 8 hours of sleep per night.
Back at Koror, the crew finds their sunken flint. I was cheering right along with Coby. We are THO proud of the guyth! Thuper job!
The Immunity Challenge came later and amazingly, no obstacle course. This time, Survivors had to solve a puzzle using Morse code after pulling a heavy trunk under water to release the clues. Angie was having some problems staying under the water, but that’s because she has the only real boobs on the show. Take it from me: fat floats. Stephanie, however, sunk like a rock. You do the math. Ashlee just stayed in one place because hers are saline – therefore neutral with the ocean. Tom the Fireman clearly dominated this challenge, but in his line of work he frequently drags 350-lb agoraphobics out of dark, smoke-filled apartments. So the trunk was really nothing. His efforts paid off and the old fogies of Koror won immunity for the second time in a row.
Back at Ulong, Kim and Ashlee were on the chopping block. What a dilemma! Who is helping less? What are the Ashlee Pros, Kim Cons, and vice versa? Not surprisingly, Jeff wanted Kim to stay, but he was clearly thinking with his…staff…rather than his brain. I mean, who will he cuddle with at night? Okay, sure…with Ashlee he would have much better pillows to rest his weary head upon, but he had already started to bond with Kim. Everyone else seemed torn between two losers. Then dumbass Stephanie told Kim that she was a potential vote-off. I don’t understand the mentality. These people lie, cheat, and steal their way to the million bucks but they feel some sort of warped obligation to a complete stranger (and competitor) to let them know when they are about to be axed. Lie people. LIE!
Tribal council brought the usual cryptic whining. I had to laugh when Jeff addressed the growing relationship between him and Kim by saying that “…no alliances are being built.” Does anyone not remember Rob & Amber? Jeff! She’s been giving you a woody all night long, of COURSE there is an alliance being built! There has been right from the get-go. It probably went something like this:
Jeff (staring at Kim’s cleavage): Um, maybe we should form an alliance. We have so much in common! I feel like I’ve known you all my life and I want to take you to the top with me. I think we can really do it, it’s our destiny! We are strong!
Kim (filing her nails): Look Jeff – as long as you keep me on this island, I’ll let you press up against my bum while we sleep. Deal?
Jeff (salivating with frontal lobe pulsating): Duh…burgle, slurp…glurgle gork…er…okay!
And so smug Ashlee goes home but not before revealing that she took the high road and did NOT snuggle up with that hottie Ibrehem just to gain an alliance (not like that hussy Kim!). We’re proud of you, Ashlee. And now you can go home with your wallet empty but your integrity intact. Then again, a million clams can buy a lot of pride. Think about that, Miss Manners.
posted by thebeann at 1:36 PM
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