Sunday, March 06, 2005

Survivor Palau Week 3

Friends, couch potatoes, countrymen, lend me your “ears like a bat.” I come to bury Jeff, not to praise him. Like Romeo and Juliet…Anthony and Cleopatra…so many passionate relationships die a tumultuous death. So let it be with Survivor. The noble Probstus hath told you Kim and Jeff were amorous. If it were so, it was a grievous fault and grievously hath Kim answered it. Here, under the vote of Stephanie and all the rest – for Stephanie is an honorable Ulong; so are they all honorable Ulongs – Come I to speak at Jeff’s Tribal Council Funeral.

Rewind. Back at camp following Ashlee’s vote-off, hell hath no fury like a Grad Student scorned. After our illustrious Survivor host put the “Kim & Jeff” attraction on the table, Kim spit fire (and a little green vomit) as she trashed Mr. Probst's inSINuation (translation: I have a boyfriend back home who will see this and get mad) and denied it profusely, even as she snuggled with her paramour and caressed his hair (translation: I have not quite grasped the concept of “night vision”).

Kim: “I can’t believe that F-ing Probst! He is so way off base! Liar! Fabricator of stories! What a loser, he is so out of line!

Jeff: “Shh, shh, there, there [caresses her face]. Don’t you worry about that mean old Probst [kisses her cheek]. We don’t have to prove anything to anyone…we know the truth [slides hand underneath her buff]. We just snuggle to keep warm, that’s all [slips her the salami].

We’re with you, Jeff. Wink, wink. But I think you better talk to James because he is under the impression that there is some “sex-ee-ality” goin’ on. He’s got ears like a bat, remember?

Meanwhile, as members of Koror tried to build a new shelter, Caryn attacked Katie in a vicious catfight reminiscent of Krystal and Alexis scratching it out in the pool. The only things missing were gargantuan shoulder pads and a couple cans of extra-hold Aqua-Net. Coby almost jumped into the fight but he didn’t want to break a nail. Plus, he might rip his Calvin Klein bikini’s.

The Reward Challenge pitted man against floatie as contestants battled each other for possession of an inner tube. My GAWD! Not the dreaded “Inner Tube Challenge!” The CBS producers are cruel...just CRUEL! The first team to have one hand on the tube and one hand on their buoy three times would win the grand prize. In an unprecedented move, CBS did NOT provide food for the winners. Rather, they celebrated Martha Stewart’s prison release with a designer sewing and craft kit. Cool! Koror’s shelter DOES need some new valances.

The challenge started off with Tom putting the floatie around his waist, just like they instruct at the kiddie pool. Sadly, it didn’t work and Ulong took their first point. Then it was Jen vs. Stephanie, which was an unfair advantage due to Stephanie being part male. Again, Ulong took the point. The third round saw Bobby Jon and Angie vs Gregg & Janu. Being void of any fat cells, Janu sunk like a rock and was pushed around like a piece of seaweed. Angie, practicing for her future career as a WWE wrestler, kicked everyone’s butt including a couple of sharks as her partner Bobby Jon dragged the tube to victory.

Ulong won the sewing kit and you know what THAT means! No evening gown for Coby! Aw!

Back at Ulong Central, Bobby Jon continued to “do it all” in spite of him having the IQ of a slab of limestone. Go BJ! He cooks, he cleans, he takes care of everyone around him. Congratulations, and welcome to the world of the married woman. Bobby Jon JimBob better get used to doing it all himself for the rest of his life. Between the single-digit IQ, the Bobby Knight personality, and the Blue Ribbon spitting, he’s going to have to work mighty hard to find himself a gal with all her teeth intact. Such an attractive man. So attractive.

At Koror, Ian and Tom manage to slay three highly poisonous snakes. As they hung them out over the sea to cure, Sheriff Brody suddenly appeared on the beach and cried out, “DON’T GO INTO THE WATER!!!!” It was too late. Ian and Tom, armed with highly dangerous twigs, went on a pathetic hunt for three sharks that were stalking the bloody serpents. The guys gave it a valiant effort to be sure, but their choice of weaponry left a lot to be desired. The sticks MIGHT have worked if Tom and Ian had thrown them into the water - and here’s the crucial part - with the pointed end going TOWARD the sharks. They would have had more luck if they had decided to insult Jaws I, II, and 3-D to death. Do something…anything...it’s MEAT for Pete’s sake! Throw a palm frond…whip some sand into the water. Let Krystal and Alexis have a go at it! Let the shark bite into your arm and then beat it to death against a rock! Hey, it worked for Richard.

SQUAD 51, ENGINE 36, MAN DOWN WITH INJURED ANKLE ON PALAU ISLAND, THIRD ISLAND FROM THE LEFT.

Rampart, this is Squad 51. We have an Ulong male approximately 21 years of age with a torn ligament. The victim rolled his ankle on a coconut heading out to do #2 in the middle of the night. BP is 120/80, pulse 95, respiration 12. His pupils are fixed and dilated (but that could be from LOVE). Rampart, recommend we bring the subject in immediately so Nurse Dixie McCall can give him a full body exam. Heh. Over.

Squad 51, this is Rampart. Start an IV with WD40, 10 cc’s of Lavitra and wrap the ankle. Recommend the victim NOT participate in today’s Immunity Challenge. Over.

Jeff’s midnight “pinching o’ the loaf” turned out to be a devastating trip when he sprained his ankle stumbling on some of the local cuisine. Unfortunately for him and for the Ulong tribe, the Immunity Challenge was just about as physical as you can possibly get. All team members were roped to each other like a kindergarten class on a field trip, carrying 20lb bags of sand as they circled a track set up in the water. The first team to catch up with the other would win immunity. If a castmate slowed down, they could opt out (or be forced out) but the remaining competitors had to take on the sandbag weights of the departing members. Jeff was the first to leave, followed by the geriatric crowd on Koror, Caryn and Willard. In spite of having youth on their side, the Ulong tribe once again failed, and the man-attacking chimp Immunity Idol went to Koror.

At Ulong, Tiny Tim offered up his ankle for the tribal vote-off. Made sense to me. But once again, the human factor reared its ugly head when some tribe members pushed to get rid of Lazy Kim on one-in-a-million chance that Jeff’s injury would heal itself overnight. Hello, is ANYONE awake at Ulong? One of your strongest competitors…a SPORTS TRAINER, no less…is telling you that his ankle will take 3 weeks to heal and that you should vote him off. LISTEN TO HIM! I agree, Kim is a lazy, good-for-nothing (but-an-STD), but she has one advantage over her boy-toy Jeff: she can walk. It’s not rocket science, Einsteins.

Meanwhile, Kim should feel pretty good about the fact that some of her tribe mates want to vote her off rather than someone with a sprained ankle who will undoubtedly be zero help at challenges for at least a week. It’s nice to be loved. Maybe if she snuggled with the rest of the tribe they’d like her too.

At Tribal Council, Bobby Jon admits he is in awe of Koror’s Tom. You should be, BJ. He’s twice your age, ten times your IQ, and can hold his temper. Dream on. Other members said little but did show off their new Home Ec creations. The “Greek Goddess” look seemed to be popular, but no one could top James’s Flashdance look. What a feeling! James hears the music, closes his eyes, and he IS the rhythm.

It came down to Kim “How did I ever get into Grad school?” and Jeff “No Pain, No Gain” and in the end, a few smart members of Ulong managed to do the right thing and vote off the torn ligament. One small victory at last. And if Kim gets a little cold without her snuggle bunny, well…then her body temperature will match her personality. I just hope Jeff gets a good exam from Nurse Dixie.

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