Survivor Palau Week 4

We are not always privy to what goes on at Palau when the cameras are turned away. The truth is out there, but I have been sworn to secrecy in the interest of national security. What I CAN tell you is that Ulong was all prepared to vote off James when suddenly the MIB appeared from the jungle, wearing neatly pressed suits and sunglasses at night (so they can, so they can see the light…). Everything was very hush-hush but in the end, Kim was voted off and hauled away in a black Cadillac. That’s about all I know, except I did catch someone’s voice on the video saying something like “…alien autopsy, gotta get the x-rays to compare…” Let it be, my friends. You don’t want to open that can of worms. My superior intellect was able to piece together a mere fraction of the truth, not nearly enough to be damning, and yet I wake now in cold sweats with a strange rawness in the rear nether-region. Is it Yen King’s General Tso’s spicy chicken coming back to haunt me? Or have I been probed….

Let’s start at the very beginning.

After Tiny Tim Jeff was voted off last week, the Ulong tribe was on edge. James was becoming sick and tired of all the slackers and vowed to “stomp on anyone’s ass” who didn’t do their part. James, James, James…please use your trailer trash colloquialisms properly. I believe the correct term is “I’m going to stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry.” Work on it.

At Koror, tree mail arrived instructing the tribe to select one representative for the next Reward Challenge. No one knew what The Chosen would do, but they speculated that he or she would be visiting the rival camp. Coby stomped, shook his fists, and pitched a bona fide hissy fit because HE wanted to be the one. “I wanna go! Boo hoo!” Everyone rightly ignored him and chose Ian for the ambassador. As it turned out, the representative’s job did not involve any travel. Rather, he had to pick a handful of tools from a mini Home Depot that the tribe would use to build a bathroom. Good thing Coby didn’t get the job because it’s really hard to do construction with a nail file and eyelash curler.

Hello, and welcome to another episode of Trading Spaces! Although we won’t really trade and we don’t have much space, this week’s project will be just as creative and rewarding! The tribe who builds the best bathroom will get a brand new shelter built for them by the Future Shelter-builders of America. Remember, our budget is only 6 tools and we only have one day…so let’s get started!

The Ulong designer, James “No, that’s not a football in my boxer-briefs!” Miller thought a Pacific motif with rainforest accents would be the way to go. As if he had a choice. He believed that the Thunder Bucket and shower should be a single unit with decorative stenciling strategically placed to enhance appeal. James measured the waste hole precisely based on the biggest butt in the tribe (Angie) while Bobby Jon “Shingles” Drinkard put in the extra mile. Good thing too because Kim “I’m the smart one of the group [because of my superior alien frontal lobe]” Mullen apparently used too much of her brain power, got weak and dizzy, and had to bow out of the project. Don’t be too hard on “her.” Earth air is quite a bit thicker than the atmosphere on Ceti Alpha VI.

James left no stone unturned in his designing efforts, even trying out the Port-o-Potty to ensure accuracy. It’s a good thing I wasn’t there, or they would've had to empty the hole on the first night. Look…I eat a lot of fiber, okay?

Meanwhile back at Koror, designer Ian “Giraffe” Rosenberger had visions of silk curtains, porcelain tile, and a lovely bidet. Unfortunately, palm fronds, dirt, and a vine leaf would have to suffice. Ian’s design had the lavatory placed deep in the forest with the throne and shower strategically placed apart from each other. A beautiful path led the way to the Tidy Bowl, which in my opinion was only a couple magazines and a crossword puzzle book away from perfection. Ian’s team worked hard to get their project done early, then sat down around the fire to roast marshmallows and wait for the judge.

The Ulong tribe barely finished their beachside “look at me now, fishies!” WC when the judge Jesse arrived. The tribe gave a quick tour, then let Jesse do his job as the Little Ulong’s Room was put to the test. Jesse popped a squat, fingered the toilet paper bark for softness, and then tested the shower potential with Stephanie and a wet t-shirt. Ulong even had a drain for their crapper, though I’m not sure how anything was going to flow given the kitty litter sand components. But it was a valiant effort on James’ part.

But not valiant enough apparently, because the Koror half-baths won the prize. As Ulong waited for the shelter crew…and waited…and waited….the Jr. Boy Scouts arrived with fanfare to the Koror beach. In amazing Extreme Makeover Home Edition moment, the construction crew built the mother of all shelters, complete with aluminum siding and a fireplace. Okay, really just bamboo mats and a fern roof, but it would have made Ty Pennington proud.

And the best news is, both teams came in under budget! Yeah!

Now back to the regular business at hand: the Immunity Challenge. This week’s competition was a Sumo/Gladiator one-on-one in which tribe members battled with decorative pillows on a floating coliseum. The loser was deemed "out" when he, she, or it fell from the ring and hit the water below. It was an exciting match that kicked off when Bobby Jon cried out, “Ah will ween the crowd” as he faced his opponent, the formidable Tom “Maximus Decimus Meridius” Westman. Here’s the play-by-play for the Immunity Challenge:

Bobby Jon vs Tom – no brainer (at least for Bobby Jon, because he lacks one). Point Koror.

Jen vs Steph – unfair advantage due to Stephanie’s high testosterone levels, but the judges let it go through. Point Ulong.

Gregg vs Ibrehem – brawn vs brawn and brawn wins. Point Koror.

Angie vs Caryn – Angie takes her opponent down in record-breaking (and back breaking) time. Point Ulong.

Let’s pause for station identification and review the game so far. Tied in points, Koror and Ulong seem to be evenly matched. Could it be that Ulong actually stands a snowball’s chance in Palau for a win? Let's see what happens...

James vs Coby – this should have been a giveaway. Lean, mean redneck vs flabby, pasty pretty boy. But what have we here? Chalk one up for the alternative lifestyles…Coby bitch-slaps James into the water! Point Koror.

Alien vs. Predator – oops, I mean Lara Flynn Boyle vs Mary Kate Olsen…dangit, I meant Kim vs Janu – Kim’s superior intellect does her no good here as Janu wins the challenge. How sad to be beaten by a woman whose femur a child could easily snap like a dry twig. Humiliating for Kim’s planet. Point Koror.

Bobby Jon vs Tom in a rematch – in all fairness, we know Bobby Jon worships Tom, so for BJ to win the match would be like beating God. Plus, what if there was a fire at Ulong and Tom was still sulking? He might be like, “Screw you! I don’t care if I am a trained firefighter, I’m not going to help because that Jackass Bobby Jonboy Walton kicked my geriatric ass at the Immunity Challenge. Piss off!” Tom probably wouldn’t have this attitude because, in fact, he IS God (at least the Koror God) but BJ didn’t know this. So he necessarily had to fight shallow. Point Koror.

At this point, it looks like Koror is going to once again trounce Ulong. They only need a few more points to win the match. Stay tuned...

Steph vs Jen – Stephanie’s steroid levels did not drop in the 10 minutes between matches, but there is no drug testing on Palau “BALCO Heaven” Island. Point Ulong.

Ibrehem vs Gregg – payback time. Ibrehem scores for Ulong.

Hmm…Ulong seems to be coming back for seconds….

Angie vs Caryn – Angie manages to BEAT her record-breaking time in this rematch as she pushes Caryn over the side like she was slam-dancing at the local Rave. Point Ulong. Tie game!

It all came down to James vs Coby. It couldn’t happen twice, could it? The delicate whiner could NOT beat the hard-nosed steelworker, could he? Two snaps and a twist later, it was done. James “Sparticus” Miller went over like a lead bouy. Game, set, and match to Koror.

It was a somber moment as the crowd gave the “thumbs down” to Ulong. Dejected and beaten, they headed back to camp as the lions lapped up the blood. Bobby Jon, devastated by his two defeats, turned back to the crowd and cried, “Are yew not entertained, ya dumb bastards?” The crowd was not entertained and Ulong left Rome as conquered unheroes.

Tribal council was the most interesting part of the show as Jeff Probst continued in his quest for the truth. He called Kim out on her laziness, but she decided to not use her telepathic power on him. Though she may look like a mere squash sitting on top of a toothpick, make no mistake. That engorged frontal lobe is home to a lethal psychic power, but her superiors have instructed her to abide by the Prime Directive unequivocally, under penalty of death. So she held back.

Jeff also berated the men for losing the challenge. If not for the women winning most of their matches, the victory might have been a lot more humiliating. Bobby Jon the Baptist was speechless, but James broke into an a capella version of “She’s a Maniac” and began jogging up and down really fast to tone his buttocks. When he was done, the vote continued and Kim was ousted from the group, thereby increasing the average Ulong productivity by 200%.

And so it continues. By the time the merger takes place, the one or two remaining Ulong members will have to try really hard to stay in the game. Wish them luck, they’ll need it.