The Last Supper with Tom? I see the Holy Grail, but who is that next to Ian???

Survivor Palau Finale

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son Tom a million bucks, that whosoever alliance with Him should not flourish, but Tom would have everlasting bank accounts.”

Bow your heads and pray. Give an offering at the altar. Pull out your rug and face east, all the way around the world to Palau where his Holiness Tom Westman is the winner of the Survivor Palau million bucks. May we rest in peace.

The morning after Caryn’s big alliance reveal (and her even bigger departure), the final four engaged in a continental breakfast compliments of CBS. Can the producers please find a reason NOT to feed the animals? In a moment of clarity, Jenn, Ian and Katie (also know as Daphne, Shaggy, and Velma) decided to vote off Freddie…er…Tom after the next immunity challenge. Lo and behold, there it was, an elimination round pitting man and woman against obstacle course and knots. Tom and Ian moved to the second round and though it was close, Tom managed to win yet again.

Well, well, well, our dynamic trio…your plan to oust the dastardly Tom has been DASHED! Curses, foiled again! And they would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for that meddling fireman! Back at camp it looked like a done deal for Jenn as Tom said he couldn’t go against his long-standing alliance with Katie and Ian. Jenn almost started packing her bags when much to her delight, Ian opened his mouth and inserted his stanky foot yet again. When will Ian decide that the toe jam isn’t working for him?

Ian expressed his sympathy for Tom in having to make that decision as the wearer of the immunity necklace. Ian speculated that it would have been a tough decision to make were he standing in Tom’s shoes, and he’s glad he doesn’t have to do it because he's not sure what he'd do. Why Ian, whatever do you mean by “tough decision?” Isn’t it a no-brainer? Jenn is not part of the alliance, therefore Jenn gets her STD arse axed. Right? Tom is clearly concerned at Ian’s statement…does this imply that Ian might actually have to THINK about who he would vote off at that point? Perhaps Ian hasn’t been so forthcoming with his loyalty to the alliance. Tom says, "It makes me think." Which is more than we can say for Ian.

As Tom went off into the desert to meditate for 40 days, Jenn decided that she had nothing to lose by stirring things up a little. She revealed to Tom that in his absence earlier that day, the three others had made an alliance and decided to vote off Tom should he not get the next immunity. Not to be swayed by a nanny with herpes, Tom immediately confronted his gay stalker Ian and called him out. Did you or did you not tell the women you would vote me off????

Time out for some Survivor Strategy tips:
1. Always remember the goal: win the money
2. When asked about alliances that you’ve made behind your dad’s back, lie. LIE!
3. Don’t be a wuss.
4. Vote off the strong smart people at the first opportunity.
5. Always remember the goal: win the money

Ian apparently forgot all of the golden rules of Survivor and flailed like a drowning giraffe when confronted by Tom. He revealed to Tom that yes, indeed, he did tell Katie and Jenn they would vote out Tom. But it didn’t mean anything, it was merely something he said to divert them from the real alliance, which was Katie, Tom, and Ian! Really, Tom, I just said it, I didn’t mean it! Don’t be mad! I love you, and it will kill me to lose your respect! Wait! Tom! Don’t go! Let’s talk about this!

At Tribal Council, Tom laid it all out on the table, and Ian got his strike 3. The vote came down to a tie between Ian and Jenn with two votes each - Tom having voted to oust his gawky boy-toy. A re-vote did not change the situation, so Jenn and Ian went to trial by fire and Stork Boy came out the victor. But it’s okay. Now Jenn can get some antibiotics for her syphilis and some ointment for that itch.

And so true to their alliance pact on day 1, the final three came down to Larry, Daryl, and Daryl…otherwise known as Holier than Thou, His Infantness, and Miss Pouty. Really they are all big babies. Tom acted like he was beyond reproach in his confrontation of Ian, when we all recall how he was ready to go Benedict Arnold on some of his allies for his babe Stephanie. And I do recall Katie’s name being mentioned once or twice. Ian clearly has too many emotion hormones building up, and not enough self esteem. His entire self-worth seems to be based the opinions of two people he met barely a month ago. And Katie would fit well into the circle known as my teenaged nieces and their friends. I think they are all drunk from all the whine left on Palau.

As the final three, they soon departed on the traditional “memory lane” journey, where they revisited all previous tribe members and reminisced. I love how they all act like they were best friends when in truth you know they were struggling to find something good to say about some of them. Here they are, in order of their departure:
Jolanda “Killer G-String” Jones
Ashlee “Boob-boob-bouy” Ashby (my GAWD she had some knockers!)
Jeff “Number 2” Wilson (you can’t blame him, the turtle was coming out of the shell!)
Kim “Close Encounters (And I don’t mean with Jeff)” Mullen
Willard “Coco the Gorilla” Smith
Angie “I’m…different” Jakusz
James “Ernest Meets Flashdance” Miller
Ibrehem “I’m so boring, I don’t even have a nickname” Rahman
Bobby Jon “Me And Tom’s Shadow” Drinkard
Coby “Rainbow Fish” Archa
Janu “Anita Zoloft” Tornell
Stephenie “Don’t Hate me Because I Rock…Or Because I Have Testicles” LaGrossa
Gregg “Now Has VD” Carey
Caryn “Katie Likes me as a Person (yeah right)” Groedel
Jenn “Gave Gregg the Clapp” Lyon

As you may have guessed (or hoped) from the previous commentary, the final immunity was the most interesting part of the finale. The challenge was one of endurance (duh) as the gruesome threesome had to climb up a pole attached to a makeshift buoy suspended in the water. With only a small disk to support them, they had to hold on for dear life in the race for immunity. At one point Jeff Probst got a prank call from a Howard Stern fan asking about the architecture of the “BOBBA BUOY! BOBBA BUOY!” but fortunately they didn’t call back.

After a couple hours, it began storming. That Jeff Probst is so brave…he just sat there in the rain (but you know he probably has something in his contract to get a little OT pay for inclement weather). Katie gave up after a few hours but the end was nowhere in sight for Tom and Ian. After a few more hours, Tom proposed a negotiation. If Ian stepped down, Tom would pick him for the final 2. If Ian did NOT step down and Tom won, Tom swore he would choose Katie instead. Ian appeared to be one with the pole (well, they are similar in size) and refused the offer. The hours ticked by until at last it was nearly 12 hours into the competition (I know…you, like me, are wondering how did they go to the bathroom? Probably Katie stepped down because she had to pee and it would have been kind of hard for her).

TWELVE hours, I tell you. It was late, everyone was tired, an apparently Ian “Shamed by Tom” Rosenberger had been meditating for the past four hours. In the darkness he revealed that he had a solution: He would step down if Tom would promise to choose Katie for his final 2. It was THAT important to Ian to regain Tom’s trust, respect, and his own sense of integrity. Ian…IAN! Let me give you a little advice: number one, Tom doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you…number 2, a million bucks will buy a LOT of integrity. A lot. And number 3, you can WIN THIS! You have no backbone, erego, no back pain as Tom is undoubtedly experiencing. Hang on!

But in the end Ian let go and Tom chose Katie for his partner in an impromptu verbal tribal council right there on the dock at the challenge site.

Back at camp the next day, Pouty and God burned the camp supplies and headed off to the Trial By Jury. Each member of the Jury got the opportunity to confront the final two with comments or questions. It was clear early on who was going to be the big winner as Tom and Katie revealed their vast communication skills (well…Tom did anyway). I can pretty much sum it up for you, as it went something like this:

[Insert Jury Member here]: “Katie, you are a lazy, evil, gossiping, mean, spiteful good-for-nothing with no social skills. But my mind is not made up yet, so tell me why I should vote for you?”

Katie didn’t even need a shovel, she was doing such a fine job of digging her own grave. When Janu asked her question (“Give me three positive and three negative personality traits of yours), Katie saw no point in answering since she felt she had lost Janu’s vote anyway. Maybe so, Einstein, but don’t you think the other Jury members might have an impression from your blatant refusal? Apparently so, because when the votes were revealed, live in New York City, Tom was crowned the victor. Katie’s downfall was not that she is a lazy, evil, gossiping, mean, spiteful good-for-nothing with no social skills. It was basically the Social Skills part that did her in. I think she needs to join Toastmasters or something.

So Tom is our winner, but can you imagine any other outcome? It helps to have the big guy on your side...

Can you find the biggest pussy in this bunch? 

Survivor Palau Week 13

What’s the difference between Caryn and a Pit Bull? Jewelry.

What's black and brown and looks good on Caryn? A doberman pinscher.

Sorry, couldn't resist the Lawyer jokes. Our favorite civil rights attorney apparently didn’t have a strong enough closing argument at last week’s Tribal Council. After putting everyone’s cards out on the table and revealing all alliances, the rest of the Koror vultures were sick and tired of Caryn’s nauseating drivel and promptly voted her off the tribe. Caryn swore to tell the truth, and nothing but the truth. And now the defense rests.

After Gregg’s surprise vote off, the remaining Koror members began a friendly game of musical chairs. Our sweet Polly Purebread Katie (who is about as sweet as a Habanero pepper and as pure as yellow snow) was visibly annoyed when Ian expressed his reluctance to vote off Tom. Can you blame him? Look what happened to Judas. But don’t put too much stock in Katie’s annoyance. Remember…here is Katie…and here is the universe revolving around her. Plus, she seriously wants to bone bony Ian and is probably a tad bit jealous because Tom seems to make Ian moister than Katie does.

Suddenly it was Reward Challenge. Just before they left for the contest, Tom pulled Ian aside and the two agreed that if either one of them won reward, they would not choose the other to accompany them on any getaways. It might be dangerous leaving the hens alone in the coop, plus they could work on the gals (heh) individually if they were split up.

When they arrived at the challenge site, they discovered that the prize was a red Corvette convertible and dinner in a hill-top mansion. Amazing how Tom and Ian predicted that. For this mission, Tribe members had to row a genuine authentic Palauan raft (which I believe Mr. Haney once tried to sell to Mr. Douglas) out to a pole and retrieve five bags containing mile markers. When all five were retrieved, the mile markers had to be placed on a pole under their corresponding cities in proper order. What an exciting game, blah, blah, blah. Ian won. There's your excitement.

With testosterone surging, Ian faltered and betrayed his crush Katie by choosing his alternative crush Tom to accompany him to the mansion for Boy’s Night Out. What’s that you say? Didn’t Tom SPECIFICALLY command Ian to NOT choose him should he win the reward? Yes, my brilliant minions, you are not crazy like Janu.

Hmmm…and what have we here? Is that smoke coming from Katie’s nostrils? The look on Katie’s face before and after Ian made his choice was priceless. Giddy schoolgirl turns into Regan from the Exorcist. They never really did address exactly WHY Ian made this decision, but I have my theory. Ian clearly wants to slip Katie the lean mean salami. But Ian is also somewhat of a geek and probably not skilled in the art of love. So what could be a more frightening prospect for a 24-year-old virgin? Little Red Corvette, baby. ‘Cause maybe Katie’s the kind of person who believes in makin’ out once, love ‘em and leave ‘em fast…

But I digress. Ian and his father split for the House on the Hill while the women headed back to conspire. Katie was almost spitting fire, which is ironic because Caryn is really the dragon of the bunch. Then Caryn, our oh-so-trustworthy attorney (not) revealed that she had an alliance of 3 – with Ian and Katie (at least, according to Ian). Not surprisingly, Jenn’s nostrils flared (and not because of the burning itch in her crotch – she has VD, you know). You can guess what happened next…Estrogen Pact! Caryn agreed but was secretly skeptical. So skeptical in fact, that she ran to her Fantasy Fireman and started a-blabbin’ as soon as he returned from his Turkish Bathhouse with Shaggy.*

Ian was Caryn's next victim as she called him out on his supposed alliances. Ian was his usual suave, sophisticated self, stuttering in his special flabbergasted way and not committing to anything except wanting to squeeze Katie’s mammaries. Suddenly, Ian was on everyone’s hit list. My gawd, it’s not just Katie…we have the entire 7th grade class on Palau!

In a desperate effort to gain back Katie’s love, Ian pulled her aside and engaged in an intense emotional discourse (holy cow, is that Sally Field on Palau? Either that or we've gotten caught in a Lifetime Movie Event nightmare). It was rather pathetic to see Ian groveling at Katie’s feet while she accused him of lying. Hello? Katie, five minutes ago you were Queen Bee to the female alliance, and let me just remind you that it wasn’t the first time you’ve tried to turn-coat on the men. Besides…Ian didn’t LIE to you (clearly he is incapable of that). What he did (in a rare IQ spike) was refrain from telling you that Gregg was next victim until it was too late for you to go yapping your man-pleaser to the others and spoil the plan!

Amid all the alliances came tree mail and the next Immunity challenge. This one required contestants to arrange picture blocks in the exact order as they were displayed at the other end of an obstacle course. If they asked for judgment from the honorable Jeff Probst and were incorrect, they had to go to the end of the course, check the order of the other blocks, and return to try again. Gee, big surprise. Tom won.

At Tribal Council Caryn didn’t hold back. Like any good lawyer, she laid all the facts out on the table for the Jury to hear. Unfortunately for her, the other tribe members trumped her low hand and the game was over. Caryn was the next to go and somewhere out in the pacific, thousands of sharks are weeping.

*Credit for the "Shaggy" reference goes to Steve W. I'm not sure how I missed that one...it's so obvious!

Au Revoir, Johnny Bravo 

Survivor Palau Week 12

Here’s the story
Of Jenn, Gregg and Katie
Who were bringing up a very lovely deal
All of them won a boat ride
And formed a union,
Over a tasty meal.

It’s the story
Of the three not sailing
Who were busy with a treaty of their own;
They were three souls
Planning all together
While they were all alone.

‘Til the one day when Gregg, Jenn and Katie came back
And believed that mopey Caryn was their foe;
But the group had somehow gotten twisted
That’s the day they all decided Gregg would go
That Gregg would go…that Gregg would go…that’s the day they decided Gregg would go.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! No, not this time. On this episode of The Crazy Bunch, the unsuspecting Gregg got his patootie kicked off the team as Jenn went catatonic from utter shock, much like her mother did that day back in junior high when the gynecologist told her Jenn had VD. Unfortunately for our dear Gregg, Alice wasn’t there with milk and homemade cookies as his torch was snuffed out.

After last week’s Tribal Council, Tomgod was noticeably relieved to still be around. Without Stephanie to fantasize about, he succumbed to his latent homosexual urges and began bonding with Caryn as a substitute. Caryn sometimes does not see things straight (heh) and not just because her unibrow is in the way. But methinks that she is more of a cunning linguist than we are led to believe, as illustrated by her sly suggestion to Tom that perhaps Gregg should be the next to go. Tom seemed to be open to the idea.

Eventually alliances were put on hold for the next Reward Challenge. This time brawn and stamina were tossed aside for the seasonal game of Island Trivia (come on, CBS, can you NOT think of something original? These people are going to start studying the next season’s locale before they even get selected). As each Survivor answered a question correctly, they were allowed to pull a lever and lower the torch of an opponent, which was suspended over a pond. After three pulls of the lever, the torch would drop into the pond and that Survivor would be out of the competion.

The game moved quickly and it wasn’t long before it was clear that Caryn was the favorite opponent of several tribe mates. Percieved as the odd man out to the other five’s alliance, it wasn’t surprising that Katie-did plunged old Caryn’s fire with no remorse.

Time-out for a Katie moment. Living with Katie is probably like living with a 7th grader. She is basically good for nothing except whining, complaining, and gossiping about people behind their backs. When confronted, like any good adolescent female, she will get pouty and then cop an attitude the size of Texas. Of anyone left on that island, Katie deserves to win the million dollars the least. Her winning the game would be like Mike Tyson getting Time’s Man of the Year honor.

Back to the trivia. I won’t bore you with the boring details. The game was really quite boring, except when Gregg sealed his fate by asking Jenn for permission to lower her torch. Jenn pulled a bullwhip from between her legs and went Indiana Jones on Gregg. For a minute I had Exorcist flashbacks and I’m sure I saw the face of a demon transposed on hers (either that or I was having nightmares about the Amityville Horror). But in the end, Jenn lost out anyway as Gregg became the Trivia Champion of Palau.

Just for kicks, here are some Palau-related questions I think they should have asked:

1) What cup size were the Palauan Chief’s man-teets…A, B, C, or D? (answer, D, bonus points if you drew in a little "squared" 2 next to the letter)

2) What American cuisine is closest to the Palauan delicacy Balut (partially formed bird fetus) on the Nasty Scale?
a) Rocky Mountain Oysters
b) Circus Peanuts
c) White Castle Sliders
d) My mom’s creamed tunafish and peas over toast
(answer, all of the above)

True or False: One of the Palauan Fisherman wanted to bang Stephanie. (answer: False. The fatter one wanted to bang Coby)

Palauan dancers use palm fronds for which of the following:
a) Headbands like Olivia Newton-John in the “Let’s Get Physical” video
b) Thongs
c) Ugly Jewelry and body decoration
d) Whistling “The Hustle” by blowing two blades between their thumbs
(answer: C)

Just some suggestions. In a brilliant move no doubt orchestrated by the ratings whores at CBS, Jeff Probst told Gregg he could select not one, but two other Survivors to accompany him on the overnight boating trip. Gregg, feeling a twitch between his legs, was compelled to choose his main squeeze Jenn and the tribe’s main cheese (it comes with the whine) Katie. Interesting move because it divided the tribe exactly in half.

Back at camp, Caryn decided to appeal to Tom on his level (male to male). She again suggested that Gregg should be the next to go and Ian agreed. A plan was hatched, and hopefully one that will get farther than the poor Baluts inside their eggs. Ian surmises that if they vote for Gregg and the other trio votes for Caryn, a tie will ensue. Using their three brain cells the Gregg hitmen supposed that per previous Survivor tradition, in the case of a tie the two votees would become immune and the other four then required to each draw a rock from a bag. The one selecting a purple rock would be out of the game, but as a consolation prize, would get a starring role as the new Alternative TeliTubby named Ho Mo. Then there will be Tinky Winky, Stinky, Po, Joe Blow, and Ho Mo. Ian thought that he could get Katie to come over to the dark side at the last moment rather than face the uncertainty of the rock. (frankly, I don't see what the big fright over The Rock is. I would love to face The Rock, preferably in a dark room with a bed lined in silk with some nice exotic massage oils heating under a scented candle flickering in the breeze coming in off the sea. A purple Rock would be even better and hey, who cares if he used to be a fake wrestler? Wha-? WHAT? Oh, not that "The Rock" you say? Oh. Never mind).

Back on the boat, the gruesome threesome are treated to good eats and massages. Lo and behold, right in the middle of Gregg’s Palauan Fantasy, his best friend appeared (appeared in real life, that is...not in Gregg's fantasy...at least, not this one). Shortly afterward, Jenn and Katie were surprised by Jenn’s sister and Katie’s brother in law (um, what’s up with that? I mean, I know Katie's sister couldn’t make it due to her being pregnant and all, but why the brother-in-law? Weird.). After the family reunion, Survivors and guests went swimming with dolphins. They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightnening…”Flipper, go get Dad and Sandy, hurry!” Ian will be so jealous.

When the relaxed reward winners returned to camp, it was business as usual. Tree Mail arrived on schedule, inviting the remaining 6 to the next Immunity Challenge where the Survivors would face several past challenges in a series of elimination rounds. No surprise, Caryn was eliminated first. What a powerhouse! I just don’t get it...she LOOKS pretty fit, and god knows she MUST have more coordination than Katie, who is about as agile as a walrus. Oh, but wait, spoke too soon. Look who went next. Our Lady of Big Oaf. In the next round, Jenn recalled her college years by deep-throating three Baluts just before her sweetie Gregg. Did. Before he deep-throated the Baluts, that is…not before she deep-throated him. Just wanted to clarify. That came later.

Unfortunately Jenn wasn’t as handy with her hands (much to the dismay of the entire Eta Bita Pi fraternity) and lost out to Tom and Ian in the ‘untie the knot’ round. Silly mortal, she should have thought to use her mouth. No doubt she would have had that knot loose in seconds. Tom wasn't so confident a few moments later as he and Ian engaged in a shooting competition. After Ian’s perfect performance at the bean-bag Tic Tac Toe game earlier in the week, Tom had reason to fear the Bird Man’s Eagle Eye. And he was right as Ian easily ousted his Higher Power in the last round, securing immunity for the second time in a row.

And so it was as the alliances got all twisted like a Twizzler. As part of the ruse, Caryn had agreed to pretend to be Janu, moping around pretending that life was a rain cloud and that she was certain of her impending vote-off. I must say, she fooled Gregg, Jenn, and Katie. I think she deserves an Academy Award, and also a medal for courage. By isolating herself, she took a big risk that the previous alliance of 5 would come back together and she would go home regardless. Meanwhile, Ian almost blew it when he observed that Tribal Council would be “interesting” that night. I almost reached through the TV to strangle his ostrich neck when Gregg perked up and replied, “Interesting?” Like, what do you mean, Storky? It’s a done deal, no-brainer, easy as pie. We vote off Caryn, right? So what do you mean by “Interesting?” Luckily, Gregg has about as many brain cells as Ian has fat cells, so Ian was able to recover.

Just before Tribal Council, Ian revealed the plan to Katie, who undoubtedly felt blindsided. It was like being back in 6th grade again when your friends suddenly turn against you, except that Katie’s hips are big enough to breed rhinos and she’s outgrown the acne. And as with the other adolescent girls in our lives, we wonder What Will Katie Do??? Will she vote for Caryn and force a tie anyway? Will she vote for Gregg and still be part of the Tom/Ian alliance? Or will she sleep odd hours, struggle with her menses, eventually accept her armpit hair and get knocked up by age 15? The answer is clear. She will vote for Gregg and then make everyone miserable for not including her in the new alliance in the first place. Welcome to the world of Katie. Here she is…and here is the universe revolving around her.

But believe me, her attitude will be worth it when Jenn breaks out the claws and skins Katie alive for stealing her man. Katie should have known better. You just don’t interfere with a John and his Trick.

The new Cryptkeeper Dolls available now! Choose Classic or Surivor models!