Survivor Palau Week 10 & 11
Dork calling Orson…come in Orson….Dork calling Orson…JANU, JANU! The anti-depressant industry can breathe a sigh of relief at the return of Janu Tornell to the living. I cannot say she was the latest person voted off Survivor Palau. Nor can I say that she truly quit Survivor Palau. Nay, for the first time in Survivor history, a cast member was actually manipulated off the show. Believe it or not, Mr. Ripley. Here’s how it went down…
Janu was visibly upset at her prissy boy-toy Coby being voted off in Week 9. Much like Coby was ostracized from the group, so was Janu kept in the dark about the vote. You can’t blame the Koror members. They probably figured that’s exactly where Janu wanted to be. In the dark. A dark room with the blinds drawn, rolled up in the fetal position with her valium on the night stand and her thumb in her mouth, rocking back and forth as the TV blares from the other room and a soft fan blows from the ceiling, cooling the sweat pooling on her body from the stifling equatorial heat as the Cong fired in the distance. Oops, sorry, I morphed into Apocalypse Now.
Janu was clearly missing her Zoloft as she let loose on Katy after overhearing Katy bad-mouthing our anorexic heroine. Katy wasn’t the only one who was irritated with Janu’s descent into hell. Gregg referred to Janu as a real “buzz kill.” Gregg, are you serious? A “buzz kill?” As if living on a deserted island, everyone reeking from their own body waste, rats crawling everywhere, rain pouring down every other night, and everyone bickering at each other night and day could ever be considered a “buzz.” Get real. Maybe it’s a buzz for you slipping into the jungle to bone Jenn, but let me set you straight, Elvis. It ain’t no buzz for everyone else. Life with Janu is more like you are the parent of six kids under the age of ten and your spouse goes out of town, leaving them in your care, and everything goes to hell, and every time you think you almost have it under control, almost have the clutter and poop and puke cleaned up, the neighbor kid knocks at the door, the one who always has a dirty face with snot hanging from his nose and he takes twenty minutes to tell you about something his brother did last week. It’s more like adding a little kerosene to the hell fires than a “buzz.”
The Reward Challenge involved two teams of four building a scaffold in the water. The first team to retrieve a flag at the top and bring it to shore got a special prize. Oh yes, you guessed it. Chow. The winners would get to go to a genuine Polynesian-Trash Barbeque. Janu, Caryn, Tom, and Gregg managed to take the lead (late-breaking shocker: Janu actually helped!), then continued onto Victory. I wasn’t sure they were going to make it at first because Janu appeared to have instantaneously contracted Cerebral Palsy while treading water, but it turned out to just be facial contortions caused by lifting five pounds.
The four winners were whisked off to a Palauan Mobile Home community where they were presented to the biggest, fattest Palauan chief I have ever seen. Okay, he’s the ONLY Palauan chief I’ve ever seen, but I’m really surprised that the FCC didn’t fine CBS for not blurring out his colossal man-boobs. Mother of PEARL! Those had to be DD’s at least. His left leg was bigger than Janu’s entire body. Hell, it was bigger than MY entire body!
Shortly after introductions, dinner was served and sadly, no sautéed cricket. Strategizing was pushed aside and all went well until Queen Bulimia Janu excused herself and engaged in the ultimate insult to the Palauan cooks as she hurled the delectable delights outside. Nice, Janu. I sure hope it tasted as good coming up as it did going down. It was like Bush #1 with the Japanese elite all over again. She returned to the table much to the dismay of the sickened diners and then proceeded to burp so loudly I almost expected it to be followed by “Go get me a beer, Peg!” Instead, there was stunned silence.
When the bloated three plus their walking stick Janu returned to camp, they brought the leftover bounty for their tribe mates. Janu and Caryn apparently got their second wind and dove into the stash intended for Ian, Steph, Katy, and Jenn. Somehow I found the act more acceptable from Caryn since she didn’t buick her first meal back at the Palauan tailgate party. But Janu should have been ashamed of herself. I wish Steph would have slapped Janu’s hand when she reached for that piece of chicken, but in fairness, she probably would have broken it and felt really bad afterward.
Before long it was once again time for the Immunity Challenge. Survivors were placed under a cage-like apparatus about 6 inches above the water and instructed to hang on as long as possible. As the tide came in, the water would rise and the last person holding on would get immunity. The twist was, the first person opting out would be shipped off to a deserted island and have to spend the night by themselves.
Janu got a little shiver, no doubt due to her complete lack of body fat, and bailed first. The thought of solitude probably wasn’t as fear-invoking with her as it was with others due to the other personalities keeping her company. Soon the other women joined her as Tom cleverly formed a snorkel out of his hand. Ian and Gregg tried to hold on, and I was sure that Ian would actually be able to slide his narrow bird-head between the cage bars and breathe freely, but in the end it was Tom who once again came out victorious. Shocking.
Janu was whisked off to her solitary wonderland. After struggling to make fire for hours, she finally got a blaze going and performed a Pagan nature dance on the beach. Thank Gods she didn’t get naked. I’m confused enough about her gender as it is. Meanwhile, back at Koror the alliances were flying. Tom agreed to vote off Stephanie but struggled because he secretly wanted to slip her the salami. Everyone told Steph they were voting off the anorexic wonder Janu, except for Janu who told Steph they were voting off Susie, the little girl who lives in the attic with her teddy bear. Steph suspects it will really be her who gets voted off. Sharp girl.
At tribal council, Jeff Probst revealed his true feelings for Steph. Apparently Tom isn’t the only one who wants to knight Steph with his purple scepter of passion. Jeff grilled Janu on her feelings and got her to admit she wanted to be voted off. Somehow he was able to twist her words and get her to consider throwing down her torch. At one point he actually said, “What’s the difference between asking your team to vote you off and throwing in your torch?” Aha, Jeff! I see where you are going! Jeff was trying desperately to buy Steph another night in hopes that he might secretly catch her sunbathing nude on the hidden camera. By persuading Janu into quitting, he succeeded. No question in my mind, Jeff was out of line in how he grilled Janu. As much as I wanted Steph to stay, I wholeheartedly disagree with his manner of coercion, even if he did manage to make Janu think it was her own decision. Bad host!
The silver lining was, at least Steph got to….Stay……just a little bit longer…..we wanna plaaaay….just a little bit longer. But…oh god! It wasn’t much longer, was it? I can’t believe it! Steph is gone! What’s even more shocking is that the combined IQ of the entire remaining Koror tribe is even SMALLER than I thought! Week 11’s episode brought the demise of our little Stephanie when the remaining Koror members, faced with what could possibly be the ONLY time Tom doesn’t win immunity, decided to vote off our little Polly Purebread instead of the true biggest threat on the team. Tom rules and Stephanie drools, and now it’s just the matter of who our perfect little firefighter decides to take to the top. Hateful Koror!
Week 11 began with Stephenie trying desperately to form some alliances. She first tried to pick Katy’s brain and not surprisingly, came up empty. Meanwhile, King Hypocrite Tom pleaded for his longevity with other tribe members, urging them to not penalize him for being a strong competitor. Because, you know, he single-handedly brought the tribe to victory against Ulong over and over and over again. LIAR! What? Oh, okay…perhaps he is right. But I take issue with Tom, on the one hand trying to persuade Survivors to not vote for him because he is a strong competitor, and then deciding to vote for Stephenie because she is a strong competitor. ILLOGICAL! DOES NOT COMPUTE! I think Tom is getting a little too big for his flame retardant britches.
Then it was time for the annual Food Auction Reward Challenge. Competitors were given $500 and allowed to vote on hidden dishes. The cuisine was top notch and nothing eventful to report except that Jeff Probst didn’t hold back when Ian came up for his spaghetti smelling like something that has been festering in a garbage bin for about a week. Ian didn’t seem to care as he dove into his pasta and topped it off with a beer. After the edibles came letters from home and several tissues for your humble reporter. I can’t help it. Every time the letters from home come, I fall to pieces.
Back at camp, Ian took his intense reeking to heart and decided to bathe. I felt bad for him. Jeff was pretty blunt and it’s not like they are at the Ritz Carlton with free soap and shampoo and a nice shower to use. Oh. Wait. They DO have free soap and shampoo and a nice shower. As Ian bathed in the ocean, he called over Mr. Bubble in the Tubble Gregg to scrub his gritty back in a scene that would have given my gay friends goosebumps. Ian claimed he is secure with his sexuality so he doesn’t care what other tribe members think, but I think his actions speak volumes about what exactly that sexuality is. Even Caryn would have been a technically “heterosexual” choice (barely), but no. He asked Gregg instead. Tom walked by and confirmed to Ian that there were still a few spots to clean on his neck but like any other good Homophobe, he refused to help out. I think Jenn should be concerned a little about her stud Gregg.
As Ian bathed, the alliances continued. Bubbe Caryn in her Russian Babushka confirmed her stance with Tom. She thinks Tom will look out for her. Hmm. Sometimes I feel bad for Caryn because she clearly is confused, and not just about her sexuality and gender identities. I’m a woman, it’s in my nature to be empathetic. And yet, sometimes I just want to smack her and yell, “Stupid Bitch!” I struggle with that.
The Immunity challenge was one of skill. A big Tic-Tac-Toe board was set up with five colored tiles for each person. Surivors had to try and break their own tiles with a coconut with the first person getting to 5 winning immunity. Ian rocked the competition and in an ironic twist of fate, Tom ended up accidentally breaking Ian’s final tile, giving Giraffe Boy the coveted Immunity Necklace (which, by the way, does not look like Willard).
Once again, Tom pleaded for his life, playing up his role in the fight against Ulong. If I were the other members, I might be offended that one person was claiming to have done all the work in the challenges. Then again, if I were the other members, I’d probably feel guilty because he was right. And if I were the other members, I probably wouldn’t be thinking too much about any thing except food and daisies because my IQ would be about equal to that coconut over there. But if I were the other members, at least my IQ would be high enough to realize that Tom is my biggest obstacle to winning a million bucks and I’d fry him like a potato pancake.
It almost looked like the women would ally and make an actual smart decision for once, but at Tribal Council, tribe loyalty took precedence over logic as Stephenie was voted off in a near-sweep. Too bad. She was really looking forward to completing the gender reassignment surgery. Meanwhile, the remaining Koror members will head back to the Church of Tom to take holy communion in the form of fried coconut and boiled water. May Tom bless you and keep you, may his countenance shine upon you, may he give you peace and a spot in the final two. Nice job, Koror. You blew it.
Janu was visibly upset at her prissy boy-toy Coby being voted off in Week 9. Much like Coby was ostracized from the group, so was Janu kept in the dark about the vote. You can’t blame the Koror members. They probably figured that’s exactly where Janu wanted to be. In the dark. A dark room with the blinds drawn, rolled up in the fetal position with her valium on the night stand and her thumb in her mouth, rocking back and forth as the TV blares from the other room and a soft fan blows from the ceiling, cooling the sweat pooling on her body from the stifling equatorial heat as the Cong fired in the distance. Oops, sorry, I morphed into Apocalypse Now.
Janu was clearly missing her Zoloft as she let loose on Katy after overhearing Katy bad-mouthing our anorexic heroine. Katy wasn’t the only one who was irritated with Janu’s descent into hell. Gregg referred to Janu as a real “buzz kill.” Gregg, are you serious? A “buzz kill?” As if living on a deserted island, everyone reeking from their own body waste, rats crawling everywhere, rain pouring down every other night, and everyone bickering at each other night and day could ever be considered a “buzz.” Get real. Maybe it’s a buzz for you slipping into the jungle to bone Jenn, but let me set you straight, Elvis. It ain’t no buzz for everyone else. Life with Janu is more like you are the parent of six kids under the age of ten and your spouse goes out of town, leaving them in your care, and everything goes to hell, and every time you think you almost have it under control, almost have the clutter and poop and puke cleaned up, the neighbor kid knocks at the door, the one who always has a dirty face with snot hanging from his nose and he takes twenty minutes to tell you about something his brother did last week. It’s more like adding a little kerosene to the hell fires than a “buzz.”
The Reward Challenge involved two teams of four building a scaffold in the water. The first team to retrieve a flag at the top and bring it to shore got a special prize. Oh yes, you guessed it. Chow. The winners would get to go to a genuine Polynesian-Trash Barbeque. Janu, Caryn, Tom, and Gregg managed to take the lead (late-breaking shocker: Janu actually helped!), then continued onto Victory. I wasn’t sure they were going to make it at first because Janu appeared to have instantaneously contracted Cerebral Palsy while treading water, but it turned out to just be facial contortions caused by lifting five pounds.
The four winners were whisked off to a Palauan Mobile Home community where they were presented to the biggest, fattest Palauan chief I have ever seen. Okay, he’s the ONLY Palauan chief I’ve ever seen, but I’m really surprised that the FCC didn’t fine CBS for not blurring out his colossal man-boobs. Mother of PEARL! Those had to be DD’s at least. His left leg was bigger than Janu’s entire body. Hell, it was bigger than MY entire body!
Shortly after introductions, dinner was served and sadly, no sautéed cricket. Strategizing was pushed aside and all went well until Queen Bulimia Janu excused herself and engaged in the ultimate insult to the Palauan cooks as she hurled the delectable delights outside. Nice, Janu. I sure hope it tasted as good coming up as it did going down. It was like Bush #1 with the Japanese elite all over again. She returned to the table much to the dismay of the sickened diners and then proceeded to burp so loudly I almost expected it to be followed by “Go get me a beer, Peg!” Instead, there was stunned silence.
When the bloated three plus their walking stick Janu returned to camp, they brought the leftover bounty for their tribe mates. Janu and Caryn apparently got their second wind and dove into the stash intended for Ian, Steph, Katy, and Jenn. Somehow I found the act more acceptable from Caryn since she didn’t buick her first meal back at the Palauan tailgate party. But Janu should have been ashamed of herself. I wish Steph would have slapped Janu’s hand when she reached for that piece of chicken, but in fairness, she probably would have broken it and felt really bad afterward.
Before long it was once again time for the Immunity Challenge. Survivors were placed under a cage-like apparatus about 6 inches above the water and instructed to hang on as long as possible. As the tide came in, the water would rise and the last person holding on would get immunity. The twist was, the first person opting out would be shipped off to a deserted island and have to spend the night by themselves.
Janu got a little shiver, no doubt due to her complete lack of body fat, and bailed first. The thought of solitude probably wasn’t as fear-invoking with her as it was with others due to the other personalities keeping her company. Soon the other women joined her as Tom cleverly formed a snorkel out of his hand. Ian and Gregg tried to hold on, and I was sure that Ian would actually be able to slide his narrow bird-head between the cage bars and breathe freely, but in the end it was Tom who once again came out victorious. Shocking.
Janu was whisked off to her solitary wonderland. After struggling to make fire for hours, she finally got a blaze going and performed a Pagan nature dance on the beach. Thank Gods she didn’t get naked. I’m confused enough about her gender as it is. Meanwhile, back at Koror the alliances were flying. Tom agreed to vote off Stephanie but struggled because he secretly wanted to slip her the salami. Everyone told Steph they were voting off the anorexic wonder Janu, except for Janu who told Steph they were voting off Susie, the little girl who lives in the attic with her teddy bear. Steph suspects it will really be her who gets voted off. Sharp girl.
At tribal council, Jeff Probst revealed his true feelings for Steph. Apparently Tom isn’t the only one who wants to knight Steph with his purple scepter of passion. Jeff grilled Janu on her feelings and got her to admit she wanted to be voted off. Somehow he was able to twist her words and get her to consider throwing down her torch. At one point he actually said, “What’s the difference between asking your team to vote you off and throwing in your torch?” Aha, Jeff! I see where you are going! Jeff was trying desperately to buy Steph another night in hopes that he might secretly catch her sunbathing nude on the hidden camera. By persuading Janu into quitting, he succeeded. No question in my mind, Jeff was out of line in how he grilled Janu. As much as I wanted Steph to stay, I wholeheartedly disagree with his manner of coercion, even if he did manage to make Janu think it was her own decision. Bad host!
The silver lining was, at least Steph got to….Stay……just a little bit longer…..we wanna plaaaay….just a little bit longer. But…oh god! It wasn’t much longer, was it? I can’t believe it! Steph is gone! What’s even more shocking is that the combined IQ of the entire remaining Koror tribe is even SMALLER than I thought! Week 11’s episode brought the demise of our little Stephanie when the remaining Koror members, faced with what could possibly be the ONLY time Tom doesn’t win immunity, decided to vote off our little Polly Purebread instead of the true biggest threat on the team. Tom rules and Stephanie drools, and now it’s just the matter of who our perfect little firefighter decides to take to the top. Hateful Koror!
Week 11 began with Stephenie trying desperately to form some alliances. She first tried to pick Katy’s brain and not surprisingly, came up empty. Meanwhile, King Hypocrite Tom pleaded for his longevity with other tribe members, urging them to not penalize him for being a strong competitor. Because, you know, he single-handedly brought the tribe to victory against Ulong over and over and over again. LIAR! What? Oh, okay…perhaps he is right. But I take issue with Tom, on the one hand trying to persuade Survivors to not vote for him because he is a strong competitor, and then deciding to vote for Stephenie because she is a strong competitor. ILLOGICAL! DOES NOT COMPUTE! I think Tom is getting a little too big for his flame retardant britches.
Then it was time for the annual Food Auction Reward Challenge. Competitors were given $500 and allowed to vote on hidden dishes. The cuisine was top notch and nothing eventful to report except that Jeff Probst didn’t hold back when Ian came up for his spaghetti smelling like something that has been festering in a garbage bin for about a week. Ian didn’t seem to care as he dove into his pasta and topped it off with a beer. After the edibles came letters from home and several tissues for your humble reporter. I can’t help it. Every time the letters from home come, I fall to pieces.
Back at camp, Ian took his intense reeking to heart and decided to bathe. I felt bad for him. Jeff was pretty blunt and it’s not like they are at the Ritz Carlton with free soap and shampoo and a nice shower to use. Oh. Wait. They DO have free soap and shampoo and a nice shower. As Ian bathed in the ocean, he called over Mr. Bubble in the Tubble Gregg to scrub his gritty back in a scene that would have given my gay friends goosebumps. Ian claimed he is secure with his sexuality so he doesn’t care what other tribe members think, but I think his actions speak volumes about what exactly that sexuality is. Even Caryn would have been a technically “heterosexual” choice (barely), but no. He asked Gregg instead. Tom walked by and confirmed to Ian that there were still a few spots to clean on his neck but like any other good Homophobe, he refused to help out. I think Jenn should be concerned a little about her stud Gregg.
As Ian bathed, the alliances continued. Bubbe Caryn in her Russian Babushka confirmed her stance with Tom. She thinks Tom will look out for her. Hmm. Sometimes I feel bad for Caryn because she clearly is confused, and not just about her sexuality and gender identities. I’m a woman, it’s in my nature to be empathetic. And yet, sometimes I just want to smack her and yell, “Stupid Bitch!” I struggle with that.
The Immunity challenge was one of skill. A big Tic-Tac-Toe board was set up with five colored tiles for each person. Surivors had to try and break their own tiles with a coconut with the first person getting to 5 winning immunity. Ian rocked the competition and in an ironic twist of fate, Tom ended up accidentally breaking Ian’s final tile, giving Giraffe Boy the coveted Immunity Necklace (which, by the way, does not look like Willard).
Once again, Tom pleaded for his life, playing up his role in the fight against Ulong. If I were the other members, I might be offended that one person was claiming to have done all the work in the challenges. Then again, if I were the other members, I’d probably feel guilty because he was right. And if I were the other members, I probably wouldn’t be thinking too much about any thing except food and daisies because my IQ would be about equal to that coconut over there. But if I were the other members, at least my IQ would be high enough to realize that Tom is my biggest obstacle to winning a million bucks and I’d fry him like a potato pancake.
It almost looked like the women would ally and make an actual smart decision for once, but at Tribal Council, tribe loyalty took precedence over logic as Stephenie was voted off in a near-sweep. Too bad. She was really looking forward to completing the gender reassignment surgery. Meanwhile, the remaining Koror members will head back to the Church of Tom to take holy communion in the form of fried coconut and boiled water. May Tom bless you and keep you, may his countenance shine upon you, may he give you peace and a spot in the final two. Nice job, Koror. You blew it.
posted by thebeann at 11:35 AM
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