Survivor Palau Weeks 7 & 8

Let’s here it for the boys…let’s give the boys a hand (a hand waving good-bye). Where the boys are…(I don’t know, but they’re not on Palau). The boys are back in town, the boys are back in town (but not any town near Palau). Yes, hard to believe but the Ulong tribe is now down to one - that’s ONE - member. Stephanie has single-handedly managed to keep herself in the game as the men have fallen three weeks in a row. After James took his leave, Ibrehem was the next to go (praise be to Allah). Then there were two and after a fiery challenge with Bobby Jon at tribal council, Steph walked away as the victor. She is woman (sort of), hear her roar.

Let’s get into Mr. Peabody’s Wayback machine and revisit the events of the last two weeks.

Sometimes I’m amazed that Steph has gotten so far in game being that she is so horribly bad at concealing the lie in her voice (which was quite evident as she “allied” with BJ). Fortunately for Steph, Bobby Jon has the IQ of a toad, so her half-hearted promise was lost on him. Ibrehem was too busy trying to figure out which direction was east to pay much attention to the infidels. Kidding! I’m just kidding!

Over at Koror, Tom completed the 8-Minute Abs workout in only 5 minutes! He’s amazing! He and Tony Little are coming out with the NYC Company C Ab-Lounger on the Home Shopping Network next month. Fortunately for Tom’s physique, Ian had “Atkins Diet” on his mind when he scored the world’s biggest clam for Koror's dining pleasure. I pause here for a moment as I beg to differ on the scope of his catch. If I am not mistaken, Sea Shell City (off I-75 in Cheboygan, Michigan) is home to the “Giant Man-Eating Clam,” which I believe is much bigger than Ian’s catch. Sometimes CBS likes to exaggerate. In any case, the Koror tribe wasn’t worried about technicalities as they dined on the delectable protein. The only things missing were a visit from Frankie and Annette and a couple of clean bikinis.

Just when you thought it was safe to go into the water (after waiting 30 minutes post-meal, of course), Tom one-upped Ian by slaying a Great White with his machete. Okay, it wasn’t really a Great White (more like a big trout), but still! Jaws Jr. was lured to the beach by the blood of the “giant” clam, which sickened me a little because I was unaware that clams actually had blood that was red like human blood. I was under the impression that they had a creamy butter sauce running through their veins, but I guess that’s why I find shows like Survivor so educational. Tom went medieval on the hungry Chondrichthye and once again Koror dined in style on some 6 or 7 pounds of meat.

How the heck do they get so lucky? How, I ask? Six pounds of protein, meanwhile poor Ulong can’t score a crayfish. Coby was not impressed with his tribe, although he sucked up the meat like it was his ex-boyfriend. His sarcasm dripped more than my grandma drinking a cup of coffee in her final days. Sad. So sad.

Then it was Tree Mail time as the tribes were informed that they would engage in a design contest. The tribe creating the best signal visible from a plane flying overhead would win a box of tasty goodies. Ulong wasted no time demolishing their old shelter and bathroom to build a big sign on the beach. They did everything right – used huge thick letters, lit a fire – oh, except for one little detail. Um, Ulong…the next time you have to build a signal visible from a plane…in the SKY…here’s a little tip from your Home Improvement Expert: Don’t build the signal UNDER THE TREES! I learned that one from Landscape Challenge on HGTV, the episode titled "When Bad SOS Signs Happen to Good Castaways." Ulong had a buttload of beach readily available to them, and what did they do? They constructed their design half in the forest. Nice job. Apparently you let Bobby Jon handle the logistics. Location, location, location!

Koror managed to finish a half-assed design, then couldn’t even get their signal fire lit. Yet the carefully calculated placement of their sign out in the open secured them all the goodies. How the heck do they get so lucky??? The box of wine and cheese tortellini was enjoyed by all and I half-expected Laverne DaFazio’s father to come out with a checkered tablecloth and some garlic bread. Good thing the box of goodies also included some fishing equipment, so FINALLY the Koror tribe can catch something substantial. Mother of PEARL, with those tools and Tom’s inherent skill, they’ll be having tuna cakes and calamari for their next meal.

Koror makes like they are just one big happy family. But just like the Corleones, they will fall. Oh yes. They will fall.

We have already begun to see some of the dissent within Koror. The happy couple Gregg & Jen showed signs of stress as Gregg struggled with an important decision: should he go wholeheartedly for the million dollars or keep trying to get into Jen’s pants? Gregg…think about this very carefully now. If you win a million dollars, Jen will let you get into her pants. And if she doesn’t, there are hundreds of other girls out there with mild cases of VD who will be happy to take her place. So focus on the money, you’ll be happier in the end.

Meanwhile, I heard it on good authority that HBO is reviving “Tales from the Crypt” with Janu as the new host.

And…back to Ulong, where Bobby Jon once again falters in the shadow of Tom. BJ did manage to hook a fairly large clam (more of a “Toe Eating Clam” than a man-eating one) but there were no sharks to supplement their protein intake. There was only a black minnow, which Steph thinks will definitely help them in the challenge…and although Steph does have her facts straight (protein can indeed help increase brain power), I daresay there isn’t enough meat in all of Palau to increase the Dynamic Trio’s IQ enough to actually win a challenge.

And I was right (did you even doubt me?). The Immunity Challenge was a puzzle, but before it even began it was clear who the victors would be. As the two tribes came together at the challenge site, it was one big mug of humiliation as Ulong and their minnow-filled tummies stood next to the vast Koror Tribe, fed by Tom the Sharkslayer. I think Caryn’s hips have actually gotten bigger. To make matters worse, the challenge took place in the water, and we KNOW what a fabulous swimmer Ibrehem is.

Each tribe had a caller who stood on a platform, plus two movers who treaded water amid floating puzzle pieces and moved them at the direction of the person on the platform. Why Ulong chose Bobby Jon to be their caller is beyond me. After 30 minutes, Koror’s Coby had all but cinched the challenge for his team while Ulong’s pieces were more messed up than before. Steph was doing a better job figuring out which pieces to move from her spot under the murky water than Bobby Jon with his bird's eye view. Finally our Mensa wannabe gave up and let Steph take a crack at direction. God bless her, she almost came through! If Steph had been at the helm right from the get-go, I think it would have been a sure win for our dejected losers, but alas, Koror came through again for the 6th win in a row.

As the Ulong alliances fell apart, Bobby Jon struggled with whom he should vote for. Should he go with his Alabama brother Ibrehem? In some parts of the south people believe that everyone is their brother (or mamma-sister, or something like that), so it would be difficult for BJ to overcome such strong social mores. Yet he gave his word to Stephanie. Bobby is definitely not going to win any SAT scholarships with lines like, “I was sticking with him, now I am sticking with you [Steph].” Profound.

Look, I hate stereotypes. Don’t think I don’t cringe a little every time I hear someone tell a Polish joke, knowing that my Warsaw-founded intellect is highly superior to most people’s, and extremely evolved like an alien’s. When the punchline comes, I know that I am far smarter than the teller of the joke, but I also realize that somewhere in history someone was probably responsible for the misconception. Somewhere, at some time, a Polish hockey team probably really WAS unsuccessful because they DID drown during spring training. Likewise, I now truly believe that Bobby Jon is solely responsible for the stereotype that Alabamans sleep with their siblings and spawn mentally defective children. Maybe Big Tom from Survivor Africa helped on this one. But a lot of it is Bobby Jon.

He had one crowning moment at the end when he actually voted off Ibrehem instead of Stephanie. Too bad for Ibe, but I’m sure he can find solace in his prayers.

And then there were two. Welcome to the BJ and Stephanie show! Back at camp, Stephanie thanked Bobby Jon for keeping his word. She’s still pretty confident in the Ulong tribe, even if it only has two members. BJ is confident too, because he’s probably going to get a BJ for “Sticking with” Steph. She owes him.

At Koror, the cocky tribe members dealt with a hoard of rats. Coby, who I believe has the only sense in the entire tribe, thought his sloppy tribe mates deserved the infestation. Between the coconuts left lying around, trash everwhere, and the “Lord of the Flies” shark head mascot covered with maggots, it was no wonder. At one point I’m sure I heard one of the rats exclaim, “Ben, the two of us need look no more…because all of the good stuff is right here by the Koror shelter!” Coby didn’t have many nice things to say about the women of the team in particular. That’s because all of them are fairly good-looking and therefore would not be hanging out with him if not for the Survivor circumstance.

(It’s a “fag hag” joke, folks. Don’t make me explain it again. Before you start cringing, let me just point out that I am the biggest fruit loop on the planet, and I wear the badge with pride.)

At this point, I just want to say this: F--- YOU, KOROR! I HOPE YOU ALL GET CRUSHED LIKE A CHEAP BEER CAN AND STEPH WINS THE LOOT! Cocky SOB’s.

The next Reward Challenge quickly came upon the Survivors, and this one (not surprisingly) involved food. What WAS surprising was that it involved not Pringles or tortellini, but rather a Palau delicacy called “Balut.” Balut, should you be wondering, is partially formed duckling. Duck fetus. Duck embryo. Baby Duck complete with beak. My GAWD the producers at CBS are pampering the contestants! What’s next? Bull testicle flambé? Tom and Ian of Koror went up against Ulong in a head-to-head-to-beak competition. It all came down to a tie-breaker between Bobby Jon and Tom. As we all know, slow and steady wins the race, and Tom’s methodical dining won out on Bobby Jon’s southern graces as BJ tried to stuff five Balut in his mouth at one time. Problem is, Bobby Jon...Sugar...the human throat is not the size of a football, so there was no way you were going to be able to swallow all of them at the same time. But it’s okay. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

This time the reward was a 55 gallon shower tank and some much-needed hygiene supplies (thank GAWD, because some of those bikini bottoms would make a dog’s eyes water). All members were happy to have some mouthwash, while Janu eyed the razor for her sideburns. TomGod wanted to use the clean water only for drinking, while Jen was dreaming of a nice shower to prepare her for the next 20 days of reeking (note to Jen: soap won’t actually help with your little problem…you need antibiotics for whatever it is crawling in your thong). Of course, Ian (Tom’s #1 fan and founder of the Holy Tomethodist Church of Palau) supported Tom’s decision and no one else spoke up for fear they’d be turned into a serpent or have to deal with a million locusts. In the end they decided to NOT shower with the water, and Jen was NOT happy. You know what I say to that? YESSSS! Dissent!

Back at Ulong, the gruesome twosome struggled with Bobby Jon’s increasing disappointment in himself. How could he get beat by Tom??? Look, BJ…Tom was born on Mt. Olympus. Zeus came down and banged a New York debutante, so don’t be so hard on yourself. You will never be able to attain Tom’s status, even if your sister wasn’t also your daughter. But BJ was mad, and so his earlier “Anger Management” self came out again. At least his southern upbringing reminds him to apologize when he farts or blows a snot rocket onto the Ulong marital bed. Come on, BJ. I know you don’t have any tissue, but TRY.

Steph was just about at her tit’s end with BJ. She became frustrated and didn’t know what to say to him all alone out there. Hey, Steph…try “DOH!” or just growl. That might help. But her spirits are up. If she can make it there…she can make it ANYWHERE! She’s gonna make it after all. For the first time, Steph broke down in front of the camera and it broke my heart. No question, she deserves to win the million dollars more than any of the remaining Koror members.

Then it was Tree Mail time again for Immunity. This one said “Think or Thwim” – oh, wait, sorry…that was Coby. It said “Think or Swim” and hopefully for Ulong it would be a little more swimmin’ and a little less thinkin’. Alas, it was a word scramble, word find, anagram puzzle, coupled with some underwater treasure hunting. Survivors had to retrieve puzzle pieces from the sea and then put them together back on the beach. The first tribe to solve the puzzle would win immunity. Coby and Gregg went up against Ulong, and two important things should be noted here: First, Coby should NOT wear a Speedo, ever, ever again. Ever. And second, BJ runs like those Australian Frilled Lizards that scoot across the desert on their hind legs. Frightening on both accounts.

The teams were dead even after retrieving the four underwater bags of puzzle pieces but once again, Ulong struggled during the part of the challenge where brain cells were a factor. Even with Steph unashamedly looking at the other tribe’s work, Koror still managed to pull through and win immunity for an unprecedented 7th time. Sad. So sad.

Because Steph and BJ would vote for each other and therefore cause a tie, there would be an individual challenge to determine who would stay and who would go. Once at Tribal Council, BJ admitted that Steph “can do anything a man can do.” Due to feedback from some of my faithful minions on my recent commentary regarding Stephanie being part male, and their concern that I might think they have certain “tendencies” because they find Stephanie attractive, I will refrain from making any references to her being part man, even though she is. What I will say is that due to her varied gene pool, she does have the edge over Bobby Jon mentally.

At first it seemed like Steph might be going home. The individual challenge turned out to be a fire-making contest, and wasn’t it a coincidence that just moments before, Jeff Probst asked both of them who was the better fire-starter! Bobby Jon, no doubt…they all agreed. Imagine my surprise when Stephanie got her fire going and lit her torch first, securing another night on the island. I must say…I nearly cried. I’m rooting for Stephanie! Go “girl!” Stephanie headed back to camp as the sole Ulong survivor. It will be a scary night there all alone, but fortunately for her, she doesn’t have a bed for the Boogeyman to hide under. And if for some reason he shows up anyway, he'll probably slip on Bobby Jon's boogers and die a horrid death. HA! Then he'd be a dead Boogerman!

Don't worry. Steph will be fine. I heard the Blair Witch is just an urban legend anyway. MWAA HAA HA HAAAAAA!!!