Survivor Palau Week 5
What? Wait a minute, I’m all flummoxed! I get the part about Angie getting voted off…another bad decision by Ulong in a long Survivor history of stupidity. But what happened earlier??? Koror voted off the Immunity Idol! Yes, I saw it with my own two eyes! It just doesn’t make sense! I mean, how stupid! It’s just a wooden statue, you can’t just vote off…wha-? WHAT? You say that WASN’T the Immunity Idol? I beg to differ! It most certainly was...WHAT? You say that was WILLARD that got voted off? You serious? Well I’ll be a wooden monkey’s uncle. It WAS Willard! My god. I have to wean myself off the Nyquil.
Week 5 began not with a wooden monkey, but with another kind of wood – that being Gregg as he snuggled up to Jenn in a Rob&Amber-inspired moment. I’m sure it’s true love. Coby got a little jealous, methinks. If I were Jenn I’d watch my back. Considering the way Coby panty-poked James in the challenge last week, she should think twice about coming between a man and his….man.
Then again, if I were Jenn, I would have enough consideration to not expose a nice guy like Gregg to that horrible VD. A little soap and water might take care of that, honey.
Back at the Blair Ulong Project some dumbass decided it would be a good idea to walk in pitch blackness to try and find the Bat Cave before the impending storm arrived. Never let it be said that brains were a requirement for placement on the Survivor cast. Someone had the foresight to scoop some hot embers into a container to take to the cave. Unfortunately, no one had the wherewithal to somehow use the fire for…oh, I don’t know…maybe LIGHT??? The Motley Crew lost their way several times until finally Angie could take it no more. She turned the camera on herself crying and sobbed, “Maybe this is all my fault… it was my project…I am sooo scared!” No one knows what happened to the group and the only evidence was a videotape found at the edge of the woods.
And suddenly it was Reward Challenge time! Oh, wait! It’s also Immunity Challenge time. And this time with a twist! No…the twist was NOT a prize sans food. Rest assured, there would be plenty of culinary gluttony. No, the twist was diabolical! Jeff Prober first announced that the winner of the challenge would enjoy a hearty meal of Dinty Moore “Beef-like” Rat Stew. That was the good news. The bad news was, the winning tribe would also be voting off a member at Tribal Council that night. The losers would NOT partake in the Henry VIII feast but would be subjected to their own Tribal Council as the winners sat nearby and slobbered like a St. Bernard in heat. Not nice at all, Mr. Probst!
The challenge itself seemed simple enough. Members sat atop a small car ferry one by one as the remaining tribe mates pulled them out to an old underwater wreck. Deep in the ocean, attached to the rust, were several bottles of Saki roped randomly amid the squid. Each Survivor had to dive to the wreck, release a bottle, then wait as their tribemates pulled them back to the dock for a rowdy game of Quarters. I really thought Ulong would win this one. I figured James would go into the DT’s when the first bottle hit the surface and the Twelve Steps became but a vague memory in his vacuous head. Then I realized that James probably thought “Saki” was some sort of elixir you rub on your feet to make the corns go away. Too bad. If it had been cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Ulong would have ROCKED!
They didn’t rock, not entirely, although it was a very close race until Ibrehem got his turn. Mr. Tall, Dark, and Can’t Swim dove about four feet several times and just couldn’t seem to get the bottle loose (um…Ibrehem….try “pulling” on it). Whatsa matter, Ibrehem??? Afraid of the WAAAA-WAAAA? Ulong fell way behind as the Mark Spitz Notevergonnabe gave up and had to be hauled back to the dock. The remaining members made a valiant effort to recoup some time and nearly came back for the win, but in the end, Koror won the Willard Idol thanks to Mr. Flipper himself, Ian the Dolphin Trainer. Flipper, go get Gramps! Go get help, Flipper…oops, sorry. Got my 50’s TV shows mixed up.
Later, the conniving began. With both tribes facing a vote, tempers flared.
James came down hard on Ibrehem for losing the Saki challenge. James seemed to have quickly forgotten that just a few days ago he was beaten not once, but twice by a guy who gives manicures for a living. On a similar note…in a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy moment over at Koror, Coby consoled the soon-to-be ousted Willard, who in appreciation offered his pants to Coby. Um, Willard? When Coby said, “Hey, Monkey-Man, since we are voting you off tonight, how about I take a look at THOSE?”...and pointed “down there”…he wasn’t talking about your Haggar Slacks.
Nuts, Willard. Hot nuts. You get them from the peanut man.
By the way…who the hell is Jenn anyway, except someone whose laughter is like rubbing Styrofoam in one hand while scraping fingernails across the blackboard with the other? Well, that and also the one who has several STD’s. I heard that somewhere.
Tribal Council came first for Koror, who at that point couldn’t care less about who got voted off, just bring on the STEW! Boston Rob’s dad Tom had a few choice words but he could not top the eloquence of Coby’s “I am the butterfly” speech. He’s the hostess with the mostest! If only he could pass on some of that social prowess to Willard, who could not have looked less happy to be on Survivor if he had a sign taped on his back that said, “KICK ME…OFF.” Be careful what you wish for, Willard. You just might get it.
After Willard’s passing, the Koror pigs moved over to the opposite side of the Tribal Council area and began scarfing their Possum Brew. As the trough was emptied, the Ulong Losers arrived for yet another devastating vote. I really felt bad for Ulong having to sit there while the Koror hogs inhaled their food. Have a little mercy, Koror! At least PRETEND like you feel bad about it!
The dejected Ulongs vented their frustration as Ibrehem sat in the corner awaiting his fate. He was, after all, slated to get the axe due to his never having taken swim lessons at the Y. Suddenly our closet homosexual host Jeff Probst sprang yet another demonic twist to the show. Koror’s job was not yet over! In between bites they had to vote for one person on Ulong to have immunity! Egads, what’s happening now? Everything is just topsy turvy and all backward like sometimes when I put my underwear on inside out and don’t even realize it!
Lo and behold, Ibrehem Louganis got the most votes and was immune from the spiritual guillotine. Well, now THAT put a wrench in things, didn’t it? As it turned out, the person who most kicked butt in all the challenges got her butt kicked off the Ulong team. Angie is going home, and no need for CBS to worry about her giving away any secrets. After spending a week and a half in the tropics, pale Angie still looks like she was on “Survivor Alaska!” and no one will ever believe she was anywhere near the equator. It was a sad moment for all as she gave up her fire and walked off with Peanuts lunchbox in hand. Next time, bring a backpack like the rest of the dorks.
Week 5 began not with a wooden monkey, but with another kind of wood – that being Gregg as he snuggled up to Jenn in a Rob&Amber-inspired moment. I’m sure it’s true love. Coby got a little jealous, methinks. If I were Jenn I’d watch my back. Considering the way Coby panty-poked James in the challenge last week, she should think twice about coming between a man and his….man.
Then again, if I were Jenn, I would have enough consideration to not expose a nice guy like Gregg to that horrible VD. A little soap and water might take care of that, honey.
Back at the Blair Ulong Project some dumbass decided it would be a good idea to walk in pitch blackness to try and find the Bat Cave before the impending storm arrived. Never let it be said that brains were a requirement for placement on the Survivor cast. Someone had the foresight to scoop some hot embers into a container to take to the cave. Unfortunately, no one had the wherewithal to somehow use the fire for…oh, I don’t know…maybe LIGHT??? The Motley Crew lost their way several times until finally Angie could take it no more. She turned the camera on herself crying and sobbed, “Maybe this is all my fault… it was my project…I am sooo scared!” No one knows what happened to the group and the only evidence was a videotape found at the edge of the woods.
And suddenly it was Reward Challenge time! Oh, wait! It’s also Immunity Challenge time. And this time with a twist! No…the twist was NOT a prize sans food. Rest assured, there would be plenty of culinary gluttony. No, the twist was diabolical! Jeff Prober first announced that the winner of the challenge would enjoy a hearty meal of Dinty Moore “Beef-like” Rat Stew. That was the good news. The bad news was, the winning tribe would also be voting off a member at Tribal Council that night. The losers would NOT partake in the Henry VIII feast but would be subjected to their own Tribal Council as the winners sat nearby and slobbered like a St. Bernard in heat. Not nice at all, Mr. Probst!
The challenge itself seemed simple enough. Members sat atop a small car ferry one by one as the remaining tribe mates pulled them out to an old underwater wreck. Deep in the ocean, attached to the rust, were several bottles of Saki roped randomly amid the squid. Each Survivor had to dive to the wreck, release a bottle, then wait as their tribemates pulled them back to the dock for a rowdy game of Quarters. I really thought Ulong would win this one. I figured James would go into the DT’s when the first bottle hit the surface and the Twelve Steps became but a vague memory in his vacuous head. Then I realized that James probably thought “Saki” was some sort of elixir you rub on your feet to make the corns go away. Too bad. If it had been cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Ulong would have ROCKED!
They didn’t rock, not entirely, although it was a very close race until Ibrehem got his turn. Mr. Tall, Dark, and Can’t Swim dove about four feet several times and just couldn’t seem to get the bottle loose (um…Ibrehem….try “pulling” on it). Whatsa matter, Ibrehem??? Afraid of the WAAAA-WAAAA? Ulong fell way behind as the Mark Spitz Notevergonnabe gave up and had to be hauled back to the dock. The remaining members made a valiant effort to recoup some time and nearly came back for the win, but in the end, Koror won the Willard Idol thanks to Mr. Flipper himself, Ian the Dolphin Trainer. Flipper, go get Gramps! Go get help, Flipper…oops, sorry. Got my 50’s TV shows mixed up.
Later, the conniving began. With both tribes facing a vote, tempers flared.
James came down hard on Ibrehem for losing the Saki challenge. James seemed to have quickly forgotten that just a few days ago he was beaten not once, but twice by a guy who gives manicures for a living. On a similar note…in a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy moment over at Koror, Coby consoled the soon-to-be ousted Willard, who in appreciation offered his pants to Coby. Um, Willard? When Coby said, “Hey, Monkey-Man, since we are voting you off tonight, how about I take a look at THOSE?”...and pointed “down there”…he wasn’t talking about your Haggar Slacks.
Nuts, Willard. Hot nuts. You get them from the peanut man.
By the way…who the hell is Jenn anyway, except someone whose laughter is like rubbing Styrofoam in one hand while scraping fingernails across the blackboard with the other? Well, that and also the one who has several STD’s. I heard that somewhere.
Tribal Council came first for Koror, who at that point couldn’t care less about who got voted off, just bring on the STEW! Boston Rob’s dad Tom had a few choice words but he could not top the eloquence of Coby’s “I am the butterfly” speech. He’s the hostess with the mostest! If only he could pass on some of that social prowess to Willard, who could not have looked less happy to be on Survivor if he had a sign taped on his back that said, “KICK ME…OFF.” Be careful what you wish for, Willard. You just might get it.
After Willard’s passing, the Koror pigs moved over to the opposite side of the Tribal Council area and began scarfing their Possum Brew. As the trough was emptied, the Ulong Losers arrived for yet another devastating vote. I really felt bad for Ulong having to sit there while the Koror hogs inhaled their food. Have a little mercy, Koror! At least PRETEND like you feel bad about it!
The dejected Ulongs vented their frustration as Ibrehem sat in the corner awaiting his fate. He was, after all, slated to get the axe due to his never having taken swim lessons at the Y. Suddenly our closet homosexual host Jeff Probst sprang yet another demonic twist to the show. Koror’s job was not yet over! In between bites they had to vote for one person on Ulong to have immunity! Egads, what’s happening now? Everything is just topsy turvy and all backward like sometimes when I put my underwear on inside out and don’t even realize it!
Lo and behold, Ibrehem Louganis got the most votes and was immune from the spiritual guillotine. Well, now THAT put a wrench in things, didn’t it? As it turned out, the person who most kicked butt in all the challenges got her butt kicked off the Ulong team. Angie is going home, and no need for CBS to worry about her giving away any secrets. After spending a week and a half in the tropics, pale Angie still looks like she was on “Survivor Alaska!” and no one will ever believe she was anywhere near the equator. It was a sad moment for all as she gave up her fire and walked off with Peanuts lunchbox in hand. Next time, bring a backpack like the rest of the dorks.
posted by thebeann at 9:05 PM
1 Comments:
Great narrative...my gawd, Willard DOES look like the immunity idol!
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