Survivor Palau Week 6

If you look upon the family reunion as a chance to meet “Mrs. Right,” you might be a redneck. If you think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk, you might be a redneck. If you berate your tribe mate for losing challenges even though you suck far worse, and then you get your ass kicked off Survivor by your turncoat comrades anyway, you just might be a redneck. Or you might be James, who single-handedly revived the Jim Varney fan club. James got too cocky and his tribe mates gave him his deliverance. You got such a purty mouth, James. But it got you in trouble. Now squeal. Squeal like a pig.

As James was busy blaming Ibrehem for the tribe’s woes, over at Koror the Survivors were pumped after their hearty beefsteak meal. While the rest of the Koror tribe worked on cleaning up and enhancing the camp, Katie taught a course in macramé. Caryn wants Katie to work harder like the rest of her companions and not just be the Carnival Cruise nightclub act day after day. Caryn thinks Katie is pretty useless, but what Caryn would realize if she could just be subjected to a recording of her own voice is that she’s a BIG FAT ANAL-RETENTIVE NAG! Yes, Katie is a lazy pig, but who else is going to make the plant hangers? If not Katie, then who will provide the much-needed decorative bracelets for everyone??? Did you ever think of that, Caryn? Just wait until the next challenge when none of the Ulong members can concentrate because they are mesmerized by the artwork. Now imagine that everyone’s neck and wrists were bare of adornments and there were no pretty shiny things to attract the attention of the enemy. It would be a slaughterhouse. Leave Katie be. She is protecting the interests of the tribe via hand crochet. Plus, who else can do sock puppets of Punch and Judy on the fly? Now THAT is talent.

Look out, it’s Tree Mail time! The Reward Challenge this week consisted of a shooting contest. Each team had to aim for tiles labeled with their tribe name. The first team to hit six tiles would get to enjoy the grand prize. This week the lucky Survivors would win….A TRIP TO JELLYFISH LAKE! COME ON DOWN! (clap hands excitedly here) Yes, a relaxing ride on a Japanese boat, complete with Mai Tais (oh yeah, baby!) and…er…Pringles. Much as I hate CBS continually feeding the animals, think they could have at least sprung for Ruffles with Ridges and some Yoder's onion dip. Cheapskates.

It was a very close competition, and you will find this hard to believe, but James did not do well. I know! Shocking, because he SLAUGHTERED the other competitors in the last few challenges (not to get you all riled up, but just wait until you hear how James came back and ROCKED at Immunity!). Anyhoo, Ernest had a bad day at Camp, but fortunately for Ulong Stephanie aced each of her shots and took the remaining 3 Uglongs to victory. It was a much-needed win.

Aboard the Japanese ship, James, Steph, BJ, and Ibrehem dined on Mai Tais and Pringles printed with Survivor Trivia. The questions were pretty bland...I mean, who gives a rat's ass who the first person voted off Surivivor Pearl Islands was? Here are some suggestions I have for future Pringles promo trivia questions:

Which Survivor females did NOT have surgically enhanced breasts? (hint: there are five total)

Which Survivor other than Wanda was voted least likely to be on anyone’s sexual fantasy list?

True or False: Ted really humped Ghandia.

How many of Ruperts chromosomes are actually human?

Which attractive Survivor females do NOT have VD? (hint, there are three total)

Name the token alternative lifestyle Survivor from each season.

After their trivial meal, the Ulong members arrived at Jellyfish Lake and searched for Nemo amid the stingless creatures. Meanwhile, the Koror losers weathered a vicious storm. The next day, Janu fell into a deep lackluster funk - kind of like my mom’s cousin Marilyn, who shops a lot and has a nervous breakdown every couple of years but then recovers and is able to shop once again. Apparently Janu was not informed that in spite of CBS’s propensity to continually feed the Survivors, it is still not a good idea to come into the show anorexic. Her tribe mate Katie, who coincidentally was voted Miss Drama Queen 2005 (and is clearly prepared for 39 days with minimal food), was not impressed with Janu’s display. Now, now, Katie. You know as well as the rest of us that Prozac withdrawal trumps laziness every time. Try to be a little more sympathetic. Your turn in the spotlight will be up next. Meanwhile, keep knitting.

Soon it was time for another Immunity Scouts Merit Badge challenge. Each tribe was provided with a lockbox and some rope and instructed to encase the box securely in the twine. The opposing tribe would have to try and free the lockbox to attain victory. James took the lead for Ulong because he had a special knot he learned from his top-secret high-security stint as a deckhand in the Navy (he has a fabulous recipe for bean soup too). James knew a magic way to tie the knots so that when Koror attempted to free the lockbox, the knot would get tighter. Brilliant! He didn’t want to say so at the time, but he supposedly gained the knowledge after beating Doug Henning at a poker game aboard the USS Redneck back in '94. See the knot! It's an illusion!

The competition began with tribe members swimming out to a floating lumberyard where they could secure more supplies to build up the lockbox fortress. The four competing Koror members all charged out to sea to retrieve the bundles of wood. Ulong’s strategy was decidedly different. Steph and Bobby Jon raced into the water as Ibrehem cried, “EW!” like a little girl and stopped to fasten his arm Floaties before leaving the beach. He never actually made it out past his knees. James, on the other hand, was up to his usual high-intensity competition as he pulled double duty back at the lockbox station. Not only was he intensely watching the fortress site to make sure it didn’t blow away in an unprecedented tropical tornado, but he also managed to practice tying other magic knots in his loincloth as the others swam their little hearts out.

Coby, who sat out this challenge, expressed his lack of confidence in his group as they seemed to fall behind. It was all for naught though, as Koror eventually managed to easily make their way through James magic knot. Apparently James went UNDER when he should have gone OVER and instead of getting tighter, the massive knot disintegrated, giving Koror yet another immunity from the Tribal Council vote-off. The Ulong losers were dejected, but they should have known better than to let James connive his way to leadership. The truth is, he actually learned that knot in Kindergarten (they call it “Bunny Ears” when it’s used on shoes). I mean, James wears Velcro sneakers, for crying out loud. Shoulda been a dead giveaway.

Back at camp, James once again blamed Ibrehem for their status in the game. Look, the fact is, James is a big dick. He is a horrible competitor and had no right to challenge anyone else’s performance. He played up his extraordinary shooting ability and yet he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a bazooka at 20 feet. Then he insisted on tying a knot that fell apart like a wet noodle. And we saw how fast he got beat up by a guy with manboobs. James had no advantage in the game other than Stephanie secretly had the hots for him and couldn’t bear to vote him off (which is interesting considering James's aversion to the alternative lifestyles, and Steph being a hermaphrodite and all).

After Stephanie bold-face lied to Bobby Jon about writing his name down the night before, she formed an alliance with him and promised to vote for James. Then she lied again and ended up voting for Ibrehem, causing a tie. A revote ensued and finally Steph did the right thing. Hey, it's a woman's perogative to change her mind...again and again and again. James went home, thereby ensuring the NASCAR teams another fruitful season.