Survivor Palau Week 9

My fag-hag heart beats a little heavier this week after the most recent Survivor Palau vote-off. Coby Archa of the Koror tribe was ousted almost overwhelmingly by his mates and somewhere in the world, a rainbow fades. Weep with me as we say farewell to his pink mini-skirt wrap, his bouncing man-teets, and his biting sarcasm. His introspect on fellow and sister Koror members will be sadly missed. Two snaps and a hip thrust for Survivor’s most entertaining homosexual since Richard “Down With Taxes” Hatch. You go girl. You go.

Week 9 began with Stephanie heading back to the Ulong shanty all alone after Bobby Jon’s departure. Timeout from my usual hilarity for some analysis: I gotta believe that the CBS Producers knowingly took advantage of the unprecedented Ulong losing streak and made a calculated decision to NOT merge the two tribes when Ulong was down to two. My recollection is that typically the tribes merge at 10 members. The first individual voted off goes off into oblivion (much like any thing I say to my mother – it just gets lost in the abyss), then the second vote-off becomes the first jury member. Didn’t happen this time – and I can’t say I blame CBS. With a show that predictable, you have to take advantage of anything different that comes along.

While Stephanie tried valiantly to survive in the Ulong hellhole alone (well…she did have Bobby Jon’s snot remnants to keep her company), the big happy Koror family began showing signs of the bubble bursting. Several members began complaining about being hungry. Not hungry like the Survivor Africa members who grew so gaunt and thin that even the lions stopped stalking them. No, hungry like my stepsons, who can split a medium pizza and then go raiding the snack cupboard an hour later. Hungry like that. Janu was the only one I really believed as she weathered her Zoloft withdrawal in the camp hammock. I ask for the umpteenth time, what possesses people to try out for shows like this if they are going to peter out on day five? If Janu had been on Survivor Australia, and I was one of her tribe mates, I might have suggested a special Janu offering to the Alligator gods. Not that it would have been much more than an appetizer to Sir Croc. But then again, the gesture really would have been selfishly motivated.

I’m sure if Coby were there, he’d be first in line. Temper, temper!

After several attempts to secure some chow, Stephanie finally got the tree mail she’d been waiting for: An invitation to merge with Koror, complete with a secret gift for her new tribe. I cried with her as she packed her bags and headed out to sea. Upon her arrival at Koror, the oldies were abuzz with the prospect of new blood. Everyone seemed happier than a pig in sh*t to have Stephanie with them. Hmm, if only we could hear what they were really thinking:

Coby (blatantly calling his girl Stephanie over to give her a big hug and invite her into his alliance): Bitch, I want to hate you because you’re pretty and I know you wouldn’t give me the time of day if we met on the street, but I have a strange attraction to you and I think it’s testosterone-related. I’ve never wanted a woman sexually in my LIFE, go figure. Plus, if I can get you on my side, I can vote off all those hot guys who won’t acknowledge me. Waaa.

Jenn (hugging Stephanie and welcoming her warmly, as if Steph were her long-lost sister coming home from war): BITCH! BITCH, BITCH, BITCH! My hair IS better than yours and screw your competitiveness! You are going DOWN, and while you are there I’m going to scratch your eyes out! I’ll give you VD! BITCH!

TomGod (taking great pains to reiterate how flawless and above-reproach he is as the unofficial leader of Koror): Stephanie, I’d like to put out your fire with my hose. Let me show you how well I handle my machete…

Janu (smiling sweetly from her hammock): Stephanie seems like a really nice girl. No she doesn’t! SHUT UP! I’m not listening! You better listen to me, or I’m going to let the bad people get you again! I’m sorry! I just want a friend. She’s not your friend, you stupid whore! She’ll hurt you like the others! MOMMY! Gurgle.

Gregg (putting his arm around his main squeeze Jenn as they welcome Stephanie): Let me show you how well I handle my machete…

Katie (clapping her hands): SWEET! We can braid each other’s hair! Share recipes! You can hold the rope while I macramé! I wonder if Stephanie knows how to play Hopscotch.

Caryn (sitting on a rock legs spread open as a thin twig hangs from her mouth like an old cigarette): Great, another prissy bitch like Katie. Just what we need. Still…she IS kind of cute. I wonder if she swings both ways…

Ian (trying to find his own balls): Oh, DUDE, I can’t wait for you to meet Tom! He’s AMAZING! Wait until you see how well he handles his machete!

Stephanie gave her new tribe the gift, which turned out to be A NEW CAR! Oh wait, that was The Price is Right, sorry. The gift was actually Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum, two Palau natives who would be spending the night and showing the tribe how to fish. Palau fish are a little on the snobby side, so you can’t just use worms or insects to catch them. The fish see a cricket and they get offended, like "Whatevuh!" Fishing in Palau is a two-step process. First you have to catch smaller fish with the insects, then you must use the smaller fish as bait. Step one went well as the four Koror men mastered the fishing line. It’s not like it was rocket science. Poke bait…throw…pull. Bobby Jon might have scratched his head a few times, but the Koror guys have IQ’s higher than Corky from “Life Goes On,” so it was pretty easy for them.

When it was time for step two, they decided to split up and have some of the guys go out with the natives in their boat to fish-fish, and some of them stay near camp to continue bait-fishing. Coby thought the split would be 2 and 2, not one on three like his days at the San Francisco bathhouses, so he offered to stay and continue bait-gathering with Ian. Tom apparently felt that Coby might try to bone any men left behind and suggested that he, Ian, AND Gregg go out with the large-breasted Palauans.

Ring, ring. Hello? May I speak with Coby, please? This is Coby speaking. Hello Coby, this is the Hissy Fit Club, we wanted to extend our Platinum Membership to you TODAY with full benefits!

Coby once again felt he was being deliberately left out of the Guy’s Club, especially when someone tried to console our rainbow butterfly by suggested that perhaps the women might handle the bait and Coby could come out with the rugged group. Coby didn't like that either, and stomped off muttering something about being the “Bait Man.” Perhaps, Coby, perhaps You are definitely not the straight man, but you might very well be the bait man. I think if you step back and think about it for a minute, you’ll see that Tom is right. You are better at going after the Worm, while Tom, Ian, and Gregg are clearly interested in going after the Fish. It’s not something you can help, so accept it and move on.

The Palauans and Koror men return later with an abundance of fish. Next on Survivor: FIREFIGHTERS GONE WILD! WOO HOO! PARTY! Part of the Stephanie Welcome Wagon included some Island Rum served up in coconuts. SPRING BREAK! Tom went right for the bottle, then tried to drink a shot from the senior Palau native’s belly. Later they played quarters with a seashell, but Spin the Bottle got quickly axed when Coby’s first try ended up pointing to Jenn. YUCK! Tom staggered around a little longer, then passed out in his own puke. Gregg tried to get him to pee by putting his hand in a coconut filled with warm sea water, but it was too late. The rum had already come pouring out like water on a five-alarm fire. My gosh, it was just like living with Bobby Jon.

I’m kidding of course. Tom got plastered and couldn’t walk, yet he woke up EARLY to go fishing…and did NOT have a hangover. Why, you ask? Because he is a deity, and deities do not get hangovers.

The next morning as the fog cleared, Coby revealed all the alliances to Stephanie in a “what have I got to lose” attempt to weasel her into his own club. He apparently thinks Steph is signed, sealed, and delivered since he and Steph have “always gotten along.” Always, Coby? What’s “always?” Like, you got along that first night before the two tribes parted? You bonded for 24 hours three weeks ago? What makes you think your bond is still tighter than the 18-year-old you did after the Gay Pride parade back in 2003?

Frankly, I couldn’t keep all the alliances straight. But several things became clear. One, Stephanie was definitely not going home next. And two, Tom wanted to seriously ravage Stephanie right there on the beach. GROWL! I think they should get together and have a semi-god-child like Achilles.

Then it was immunity time again. This time a simple game of willpower and balance was the challenge. Koror members stood atop small stools set in the water. The last person standing would get immunity. Jeff Probst, that sneaky bastard, began tempting members with food items. You’d think after their hearty meal of lobster and Cap’n Morgan’s that they’d be able to withstand the urge. But lo and behold, Coby and Janu jumped after mere minutes for two donuts each. Lame. They weren’t even Krispy Kreme’s! Next were Ian, Gregg, Katie, and Jenn, who jumped for their share of chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk. Um…does anyone really care about winning at this point? A million bucks can buy you a LOT of cookies, folks. A lot.

Tom, Steph, and Caryn held out for more than 3 hours, until the Dominos Delivery Guy came a-callin. At the first smell of marinara sauce, the "ladies" jumped off their perches so fast, all I could see were two big blurs ending in mozzerella. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s immunity. For Tom, that is. I’m so ashamed of Stephanie. I think she really could have done it. Chocolate? Okay, sure, I could see it. I would have stripped naked and jumped into a pool of piranhas for a King-sized Snickers, but pizza? Come on!

Fortunately for Stephanie, her pizza scramble did not come back to haunt her. Coby’s attitude got exponentially obnoxious and his tribe mates were sick of it. He was voted off in a flurry, much to the dismay of alternative lifestyles all over the world. I’m a little sad too, but I have my purple ribbon on the back bumper of my Nissan. Au Revoir, Coby. You go girl. Now you gone.