Survivor Palau Finale
"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son Tom a million bucks, that whosoever alliance with Him should not flourish, but Tom would have everlasting bank accounts.”
Bow your heads and pray. Give an offering at the altar. Pull out your rug and face east, all the way around the world to Palau where his Holiness Tom Westman is the winner of the Survivor Palau million bucks. May we rest in peace.
The morning after Caryn’s big alliance reveal (and her even bigger departure), the final four engaged in a continental breakfast compliments of CBS. Can the producers please find a reason NOT to feed the animals? In a moment of clarity, Jenn, Ian and Katie (also know as Daphne, Shaggy, and Velma) decided to vote off Freddie…er…Tom after the next immunity challenge. Lo and behold, there it was, an elimination round pitting man and woman against obstacle course and knots. Tom and Ian moved to the second round and though it was close, Tom managed to win yet again.
Well, well, well, our dynamic trio…your plan to oust the dastardly Tom has been DASHED! Curses, foiled again! And they would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for that meddling fireman! Back at camp it looked like a done deal for Jenn as Tom said he couldn’t go against his long-standing alliance with Katie and Ian. Jenn almost started packing her bags when much to her delight, Ian opened his mouth and inserted his stanky foot yet again. When will Ian decide that the toe jam isn’t working for him?
Ian expressed his sympathy for Tom in having to make that decision as the wearer of the immunity necklace. Ian speculated that it would have been a tough decision to make were he standing in Tom’s shoes, and he’s glad he doesn’t have to do it because he's not sure what he'd do. Why Ian, whatever do you mean by “tough decision?” Isn’t it a no-brainer? Jenn is not part of the alliance, therefore Jenn gets her STD arse axed. Right? Tom is clearly concerned at Ian’s statement…does this imply that Ian might actually have to THINK about who he would vote off at that point? Perhaps Ian hasn’t been so forthcoming with his loyalty to the alliance. Tom says, "It makes me think." Which is more than we can say for Ian.
As Tom went off into the desert to meditate for 40 days, Jenn decided that she had nothing to lose by stirring things up a little. She revealed to Tom that in his absence earlier that day, the three others had made an alliance and decided to vote off Tom should he not get the next immunity. Not to be swayed by a nanny with herpes, Tom immediately confronted his gay stalker Ian and called him out. Did you or did you not tell the women you would vote me off????
Time out for some Survivor Strategy tips:
1. Always remember the goal: win the money
2. When asked about alliances that you’ve made behind your dad’s back, lie. LIE!
3. Don’t be a wuss.
4. Vote off the strong smart people at the first opportunity.
5. Always remember the goal: win the money
Ian apparently forgot all of the golden rules of Survivor and flailed like a drowning giraffe when confronted by Tom. He revealed to Tom that yes, indeed, he did tell Katie and Jenn they would vote out Tom. But it didn’t mean anything, it was merely something he said to divert them from the real alliance, which was Katie, Tom, and Ian! Really, Tom, I just said it, I didn’t mean it! Don’t be mad! I love you, and it will kill me to lose your respect! Wait! Tom! Don’t go! Let’s talk about this!
At Tribal Council, Tom laid it all out on the table, and Ian got his strike 3. The vote came down to a tie between Ian and Jenn with two votes each - Tom having voted to oust his gawky boy-toy. A re-vote did not change the situation, so Jenn and Ian went to trial by fire and Stork Boy came out the victor. But it’s okay. Now Jenn can get some antibiotics for her syphilis and some ointment for that itch.
And so true to their alliance pact on day 1, the final three came down to Larry, Daryl, and Daryl…otherwise known as Holier than Thou, His Infantness, and Miss Pouty. Really they are all big babies. Tom acted like he was beyond reproach in his confrontation of Ian, when we all recall how he was ready to go Benedict Arnold on some of his allies for his babe Stephanie. And I do recall Katie’s name being mentioned once or twice. Ian clearly has too many emotion hormones building up, and not enough self esteem. His entire self-worth seems to be based the opinions of two people he met barely a month ago. And Katie would fit well into the circle known as my teenaged nieces and their friends. I think they are all drunk from all the whine left on Palau.
As the final three, they soon departed on the traditional “memory lane” journey, where they revisited all previous tribe members and reminisced. I love how they all act like they were best friends when in truth you know they were struggling to find something good to say about some of them. Here they are, in order of their departure:
Jolanda “Killer G-String” Jones
Ashlee “Boob-boob-bouy” Ashby (my GAWD she had some knockers!)
Jeff “Number 2” Wilson (you can’t blame him, the turtle was coming out of the shell!)
Kim “Close Encounters (And I don’t mean with Jeff)” Mullen
Willard “Coco the Gorilla” Smith
Angie “I’m…different” Jakusz
James “Ernest Meets Flashdance” Miller
Ibrehem “I’m so boring, I don’t even have a nickname” Rahman
Bobby Jon “Me And Tom’s Shadow” Drinkard
Coby “Rainbow Fish” Archa
Janu “Anita Zoloft” Tornell
Stephenie “Don’t Hate me Because I Rock…Or Because I Have Testicles” LaGrossa
Gregg “Now Has VD” Carey
Caryn “Katie Likes me as a Person (yeah right)” Groedel
Jenn “Gave Gregg the Clapp” Lyon
As you may have guessed (or hoped) from the previous commentary, the final immunity was the most interesting part of the finale. The challenge was one of endurance (duh) as the gruesome threesome had to climb up a pole attached to a makeshift buoy suspended in the water. With only a small disk to support them, they had to hold on for dear life in the race for immunity. At one point Jeff Probst got a prank call from a Howard Stern fan asking about the architecture of the “BOBBA BUOY! BOBBA BUOY!” but fortunately they didn’t call back.
After a couple hours, it began storming. That Jeff Probst is so brave…he just sat there in the rain (but you know he probably has something in his contract to get a little OT pay for inclement weather). Katie gave up after a few hours but the end was nowhere in sight for Tom and Ian. After a few more hours, Tom proposed a negotiation. If Ian stepped down, Tom would pick him for the final 2. If Ian did NOT step down and Tom won, Tom swore he would choose Katie instead. Ian appeared to be one with the pole (well, they are similar in size) and refused the offer. The hours ticked by until at last it was nearly 12 hours into the competition (I know…you, like me, are wondering how did they go to the bathroom? Probably Katie stepped down because she had to pee and it would have been kind of hard for her).
TWELVE hours, I tell you. It was late, everyone was tired, an apparently Ian “Shamed by Tom” Rosenberger had been meditating for the past four hours. In the darkness he revealed that he had a solution: He would step down if Tom would promise to choose Katie for his final 2. It was THAT important to Ian to regain Tom’s trust, respect, and his own sense of integrity. Ian…IAN! Let me give you a little advice: number one, Tom doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you…number 2, a million bucks will buy a LOT of integrity. A lot. And number 3, you can WIN THIS! You have no backbone, erego, no back pain as Tom is undoubtedly experiencing. Hang on!
But in the end Ian let go and Tom chose Katie for his partner in an impromptu verbal tribal council right there on the dock at the challenge site.
Back at camp the next day, Pouty and God burned the camp supplies and headed off to the Trial By Jury. Each member of the Jury got the opportunity to confront the final two with comments or questions. It was clear early on who was going to be the big winner as Tom and Katie revealed their vast communication skills (well…Tom did anyway). I can pretty much sum it up for you, as it went something like this:
[Insert Jury Member here]: “Katie, you are a lazy, evil, gossiping, mean, spiteful good-for-nothing with no social skills. But my mind is not made up yet, so tell me why I should vote for you?”
Katie didn’t even need a shovel, she was doing such a fine job of digging her own grave. When Janu asked her question (“Give me three positive and three negative personality traits of yours), Katie saw no point in answering since she felt she had lost Janu’s vote anyway. Maybe so, Einstein, but don’t you think the other Jury members might have an impression from your blatant refusal? Apparently so, because when the votes were revealed, live in New York City, Tom was crowned the victor. Katie’s downfall was not that she is a lazy, evil, gossiping, mean, spiteful good-for-nothing with no social skills. It was basically the Social Skills part that did her in. I think she needs to join Toastmasters or something.
So Tom is our winner, but can you imagine any other outcome? It helps to have the big guy on your side...
Bow your heads and pray. Give an offering at the altar. Pull out your rug and face east, all the way around the world to Palau where his Holiness Tom Westman is the winner of the Survivor Palau million bucks. May we rest in peace.
The morning after Caryn’s big alliance reveal (and her even bigger departure), the final four engaged in a continental breakfast compliments of CBS. Can the producers please find a reason NOT to feed the animals? In a moment of clarity, Jenn, Ian and Katie (also know as Daphne, Shaggy, and Velma) decided to vote off Freddie…er…Tom after the next immunity challenge. Lo and behold, there it was, an elimination round pitting man and woman against obstacle course and knots. Tom and Ian moved to the second round and though it was close, Tom managed to win yet again.
Well, well, well, our dynamic trio…your plan to oust the dastardly Tom has been DASHED! Curses, foiled again! And they would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for that meddling fireman! Back at camp it looked like a done deal for Jenn as Tom said he couldn’t go against his long-standing alliance with Katie and Ian. Jenn almost started packing her bags when much to her delight, Ian opened his mouth and inserted his stanky foot yet again. When will Ian decide that the toe jam isn’t working for him?
Ian expressed his sympathy for Tom in having to make that decision as the wearer of the immunity necklace. Ian speculated that it would have been a tough decision to make were he standing in Tom’s shoes, and he’s glad he doesn’t have to do it because he's not sure what he'd do. Why Ian, whatever do you mean by “tough decision?” Isn’t it a no-brainer? Jenn is not part of the alliance, therefore Jenn gets her STD arse axed. Right? Tom is clearly concerned at Ian’s statement…does this imply that Ian might actually have to THINK about who he would vote off at that point? Perhaps Ian hasn’t been so forthcoming with his loyalty to the alliance. Tom says, "It makes me think." Which is more than we can say for Ian.
As Tom went off into the desert to meditate for 40 days, Jenn decided that she had nothing to lose by stirring things up a little. She revealed to Tom that in his absence earlier that day, the three others had made an alliance and decided to vote off Tom should he not get the next immunity. Not to be swayed by a nanny with herpes, Tom immediately confronted his gay stalker Ian and called him out. Did you or did you not tell the women you would vote me off????
Time out for some Survivor Strategy tips:
1. Always remember the goal: win the money
2. When asked about alliances that you’ve made behind your dad’s back, lie. LIE!
3. Don’t be a wuss.
4. Vote off the strong smart people at the first opportunity.
5. Always remember the goal: win the money
Ian apparently forgot all of the golden rules of Survivor and flailed like a drowning giraffe when confronted by Tom. He revealed to Tom that yes, indeed, he did tell Katie and Jenn they would vote out Tom. But it didn’t mean anything, it was merely something he said to divert them from the real alliance, which was Katie, Tom, and Ian! Really, Tom, I just said it, I didn’t mean it! Don’t be mad! I love you, and it will kill me to lose your respect! Wait! Tom! Don’t go! Let’s talk about this!
At Tribal Council, Tom laid it all out on the table, and Ian got his strike 3. The vote came down to a tie between Ian and Jenn with two votes each - Tom having voted to oust his gawky boy-toy. A re-vote did not change the situation, so Jenn and Ian went to trial by fire and Stork Boy came out the victor. But it’s okay. Now Jenn can get some antibiotics for her syphilis and some ointment for that itch.
And so true to their alliance pact on day 1, the final three came down to Larry, Daryl, and Daryl…otherwise known as Holier than Thou, His Infantness, and Miss Pouty. Really they are all big babies. Tom acted like he was beyond reproach in his confrontation of Ian, when we all recall how he was ready to go Benedict Arnold on some of his allies for his babe Stephanie. And I do recall Katie’s name being mentioned once or twice. Ian clearly has too many emotion hormones building up, and not enough self esteem. His entire self-worth seems to be based the opinions of two people he met barely a month ago. And Katie would fit well into the circle known as my teenaged nieces and their friends. I think they are all drunk from all the whine left on Palau.
As the final three, they soon departed on the traditional “memory lane” journey, where they revisited all previous tribe members and reminisced. I love how they all act like they were best friends when in truth you know they were struggling to find something good to say about some of them. Here they are, in order of their departure:
Jolanda “Killer G-String” Jones
Ashlee “Boob-boob-bouy” Ashby (my GAWD she had some knockers!)
Jeff “Number 2” Wilson (you can’t blame him, the turtle was coming out of the shell!)
Kim “Close Encounters (And I don’t mean with Jeff)” Mullen
Willard “Coco the Gorilla” Smith
Angie “I’m…different” Jakusz
James “Ernest Meets Flashdance” Miller
Ibrehem “I’m so boring, I don’t even have a nickname” Rahman
Bobby Jon “Me And Tom’s Shadow” Drinkard
Coby “Rainbow Fish” Archa
Janu “Anita Zoloft” Tornell
Stephenie “Don’t Hate me Because I Rock…Or Because I Have Testicles” LaGrossa
Gregg “Now Has VD” Carey
Caryn “Katie Likes me as a Person (yeah right)” Groedel
Jenn “Gave Gregg the Clapp” Lyon
As you may have guessed (or hoped) from the previous commentary, the final immunity was the most interesting part of the finale. The challenge was one of endurance (duh) as the gruesome threesome had to climb up a pole attached to a makeshift buoy suspended in the water. With only a small disk to support them, they had to hold on for dear life in the race for immunity. At one point Jeff Probst got a prank call from a Howard Stern fan asking about the architecture of the “BOBBA BUOY! BOBBA BUOY!” but fortunately they didn’t call back.
After a couple hours, it began storming. That Jeff Probst is so brave…he just sat there in the rain (but you know he probably has something in his contract to get a little OT pay for inclement weather). Katie gave up after a few hours but the end was nowhere in sight for Tom and Ian. After a few more hours, Tom proposed a negotiation. If Ian stepped down, Tom would pick him for the final 2. If Ian did NOT step down and Tom won, Tom swore he would choose Katie instead. Ian appeared to be one with the pole (well, they are similar in size) and refused the offer. The hours ticked by until at last it was nearly 12 hours into the competition (I know…you, like me, are wondering how did they go to the bathroom? Probably Katie stepped down because she had to pee and it would have been kind of hard for her).
TWELVE hours, I tell you. It was late, everyone was tired, an apparently Ian “Shamed by Tom” Rosenberger had been meditating for the past four hours. In the darkness he revealed that he had a solution: He would step down if Tom would promise to choose Katie for his final 2. It was THAT important to Ian to regain Tom’s trust, respect, and his own sense of integrity. Ian…IAN! Let me give you a little advice: number one, Tom doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you…number 2, a million bucks will buy a LOT of integrity. A lot. And number 3, you can WIN THIS! You have no backbone, erego, no back pain as Tom is undoubtedly experiencing. Hang on!
But in the end Ian let go and Tom chose Katie for his partner in an impromptu verbal tribal council right there on the dock at the challenge site.
Back at camp the next day, Pouty and God burned the camp supplies and headed off to the Trial By Jury. Each member of the Jury got the opportunity to confront the final two with comments or questions. It was clear early on who was going to be the big winner as Tom and Katie revealed their vast communication skills (well…Tom did anyway). I can pretty much sum it up for you, as it went something like this:
[Insert Jury Member here]: “Katie, you are a lazy, evil, gossiping, mean, spiteful good-for-nothing with no social skills. But my mind is not made up yet, so tell me why I should vote for you?”
Katie didn’t even need a shovel, she was doing such a fine job of digging her own grave. When Janu asked her question (“Give me three positive and three negative personality traits of yours), Katie saw no point in answering since she felt she had lost Janu’s vote anyway. Maybe so, Einstein, but don’t you think the other Jury members might have an impression from your blatant refusal? Apparently so, because when the votes were revealed, live in New York City, Tom was crowned the victor. Katie’s downfall was not that she is a lazy, evil, gossiping, mean, spiteful good-for-nothing with no social skills. It was basically the Social Skills part that did her in. I think she needs to join Toastmasters or something.
So Tom is our winner, but can you imagine any other outcome? It helps to have the big guy on your side...
posted by thebeann at 9:46 PM
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