Survivor Palau Week 12

Here’s the story
Of Jenn, Gregg and Katie
Who were bringing up a very lovely deal
All of them won a boat ride
And formed a union,
Over a tasty meal.

It’s the story
Of the three not sailing
Who were busy with a treaty of their own;
They were three souls
Planning all together
While they were all alone.

‘Til the one day when Gregg, Jenn and Katie came back
And believed that mopey Caryn was their foe;
But the group had somehow gotten twisted
That’s the day they all decided Gregg would go
That Gregg would go…that Gregg would go…that’s the day they decided Gregg would go.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! No, not this time. On this episode of The Crazy Bunch, the unsuspecting Gregg got his patootie kicked off the team as Jenn went catatonic from utter shock, much like her mother did that day back in junior high when the gynecologist told her Jenn had VD. Unfortunately for our dear Gregg, Alice wasn’t there with milk and homemade cookies as his torch was snuffed out.

After last week’s Tribal Council, Tomgod was noticeably relieved to still be around. Without Stephanie to fantasize about, he succumbed to his latent homosexual urges and began bonding with Caryn as a substitute. Caryn sometimes does not see things straight (heh) and not just because her unibrow is in the way. But methinks that she is more of a cunning linguist than we are led to believe, as illustrated by her sly suggestion to Tom that perhaps Gregg should be the next to go. Tom seemed to be open to the idea.

Eventually alliances were put on hold for the next Reward Challenge. This time brawn and stamina were tossed aside for the seasonal game of Island Trivia (come on, CBS, can you NOT think of something original? These people are going to start studying the next season’s locale before they even get selected). As each Survivor answered a question correctly, they were allowed to pull a lever and lower the torch of an opponent, which was suspended over a pond. After three pulls of the lever, the torch would drop into the pond and that Survivor would be out of the competion.

The game moved quickly and it wasn’t long before it was clear that Caryn was the favorite opponent of several tribe mates. Percieved as the odd man out to the other five’s alliance, it wasn’t surprising that Katie-did plunged old Caryn’s fire with no remorse.

Time-out for a Katie moment. Living with Katie is probably like living with a 7th grader. She is basically good for nothing except whining, complaining, and gossiping about people behind their backs. When confronted, like any good adolescent female, she will get pouty and then cop an attitude the size of Texas. Of anyone left on that island, Katie deserves to win the million dollars the least. Her winning the game would be like Mike Tyson getting Time’s Man of the Year honor.

Back to the trivia. I won’t bore you with the boring details. The game was really quite boring, except when Gregg sealed his fate by asking Jenn for permission to lower her torch. Jenn pulled a bullwhip from between her legs and went Indiana Jones on Gregg. For a minute I had Exorcist flashbacks and I’m sure I saw the face of a demon transposed on hers (either that or I was having nightmares about the Amityville Horror). But in the end, Jenn lost out anyway as Gregg became the Trivia Champion of Palau.

Just for kicks, here are some Palau-related questions I think they should have asked:

1) What cup size were the Palauan Chief’s man-teets…A, B, C, or D? (answer, D, bonus points if you drew in a little "squared" 2 next to the letter)

2) What American cuisine is closest to the Palauan delicacy Balut (partially formed bird fetus) on the Nasty Scale?
a) Rocky Mountain Oysters
b) Circus Peanuts
c) White Castle Sliders
d) My mom’s creamed tunafish and peas over toast
(answer, all of the above)

True or False: One of the Palauan Fisherman wanted to bang Stephanie. (answer: False. The fatter one wanted to bang Coby)

Palauan dancers use palm fronds for which of the following:
a) Headbands like Olivia Newton-John in the “Let’s Get Physical” video
b) Thongs
c) Ugly Jewelry and body decoration
d) Whistling “The Hustle” by blowing two blades between their thumbs
(answer: C)

Just some suggestions. In a brilliant move no doubt orchestrated by the ratings whores at CBS, Jeff Probst told Gregg he could select not one, but two other Survivors to accompany him on the overnight boating trip. Gregg, feeling a twitch between his legs, was compelled to choose his main squeeze Jenn and the tribe’s main cheese (it comes with the whine) Katie. Interesting move because it divided the tribe exactly in half.

Back at camp, Caryn decided to appeal to Tom on his level (male to male). She again suggested that Gregg should be the next to go and Ian agreed. A plan was hatched, and hopefully one that will get farther than the poor Baluts inside their eggs. Ian surmises that if they vote for Gregg and the other trio votes for Caryn, a tie will ensue. Using their three brain cells the Gregg hitmen supposed that per previous Survivor tradition, in the case of a tie the two votees would become immune and the other four then required to each draw a rock from a bag. The one selecting a purple rock would be out of the game, but as a consolation prize, would get a starring role as the new Alternative TeliTubby named Ho Mo. Then there will be Tinky Winky, Stinky, Po, Joe Blow, and Ho Mo. Ian thought that he could get Katie to come over to the dark side at the last moment rather than face the uncertainty of the rock. (frankly, I don't see what the big fright over The Rock is. I would love to face The Rock, preferably in a dark room with a bed lined in silk with some nice exotic massage oils heating under a scented candle flickering in the breeze coming in off the sea. A purple Rock would be even better and hey, who cares if he used to be a fake wrestler? Wha-? WHAT? Oh, not that "The Rock" you say? Oh. Never mind).

Back on the boat, the gruesome threesome are treated to good eats and massages. Lo and behold, right in the middle of Gregg’s Palauan Fantasy, his best friend appeared (appeared in real life, that is...not in Gregg's fantasy...at least, not this one). Shortly afterward, Jenn and Katie were surprised by Jenn’s sister and Katie’s brother in law (um, what’s up with that? I mean, I know Katie's sister couldn’t make it due to her being pregnant and all, but why the brother-in-law? Weird.). After the family reunion, Survivors and guests went swimming with dolphins. They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightnening…”Flipper, go get Dad and Sandy, hurry!” Ian will be so jealous.

When the relaxed reward winners returned to camp, it was business as usual. Tree Mail arrived on schedule, inviting the remaining 6 to the next Immunity Challenge where the Survivors would face several past challenges in a series of elimination rounds. No surprise, Caryn was eliminated first. What a powerhouse! I just don’t get it...she LOOKS pretty fit, and god knows she MUST have more coordination than Katie, who is about as agile as a walrus. Oh, but wait, spoke too soon. Look who went next. Our Lady of Big Oaf. In the next round, Jenn recalled her college years by deep-throating three Baluts just before her sweetie Gregg. Did. Before he deep-throated the Baluts, that is…not before she deep-throated him. Just wanted to clarify. That came later.

Unfortunately Jenn wasn’t as handy with her hands (much to the dismay of the entire Eta Bita Pi fraternity) and lost out to Tom and Ian in the ‘untie the knot’ round. Silly mortal, she should have thought to use her mouth. No doubt she would have had that knot loose in seconds. Tom wasn't so confident a few moments later as he and Ian engaged in a shooting competition. After Ian’s perfect performance at the bean-bag Tic Tac Toe game earlier in the week, Tom had reason to fear the Bird Man’s Eagle Eye. And he was right as Ian easily ousted his Higher Power in the last round, securing immunity for the second time in a row.

And so it was as the alliances got all twisted like a Twizzler. As part of the ruse, Caryn had agreed to pretend to be Janu, moping around pretending that life was a rain cloud and that she was certain of her impending vote-off. I must say, she fooled Gregg, Jenn, and Katie. I think she deserves an Academy Award, and also a medal for courage. By isolating herself, she took a big risk that the previous alliance of 5 would come back together and she would go home regardless. Meanwhile, Ian almost blew it when he observed that Tribal Council would be “interesting” that night. I almost reached through the TV to strangle his ostrich neck when Gregg perked up and replied, “Interesting?” Like, what do you mean, Storky? It’s a done deal, no-brainer, easy as pie. We vote off Caryn, right? So what do you mean by “Interesting?” Luckily, Gregg has about as many brain cells as Ian has fat cells, so Ian was able to recover.

Just before Tribal Council, Ian revealed the plan to Katie, who undoubtedly felt blindsided. It was like being back in 6th grade again when your friends suddenly turn against you, except that Katie’s hips are big enough to breed rhinos and she’s outgrown the acne. And as with the other adolescent girls in our lives, we wonder What Will Katie Do??? Will she vote for Caryn and force a tie anyway? Will she vote for Gregg and still be part of the Tom/Ian alliance? Or will she sleep odd hours, struggle with her menses, eventually accept her armpit hair and get knocked up by age 15? The answer is clear. She will vote for Gregg and then make everyone miserable for not including her in the new alliance in the first place. Welcome to the world of Katie. Here she is…and here is the universe revolving around her.

But believe me, her attitude will be worth it when Jenn breaks out the claws and skins Katie alive for stealing her man. Katie should have known better. You just don’t interfere with a John and his Trick.