Survivor Palau Week 10 & 11

Dork calling Orson…come in Orson….Dork calling Orson…JANU, JANU! The anti-depressant industry can breathe a sigh of relief at the return of Janu Tornell to the living. I cannot say she was the latest person voted off Survivor Palau. Nor can I say that she truly quit Survivor Palau. Nay, for the first time in Survivor history, a cast member was actually manipulated off the show. Believe it or not, Mr. Ripley. Here’s how it went down…

Janu was visibly upset at her prissy boy-toy Coby being voted off in Week 9. Much like Coby was ostracized from the group, so was Janu kept in the dark about the vote. You can’t blame the Koror members. They probably figured that’s exactly where Janu wanted to be. In the dark. A dark room with the blinds drawn, rolled up in the fetal position with her valium on the night stand and her thumb in her mouth, rocking back and forth as the TV blares from the other room and a soft fan blows from the ceiling, cooling the sweat pooling on her body from the stifling equatorial heat as the Cong fired in the distance. Oops, sorry, I morphed into Apocalypse Now.

Janu was clearly missing her Zoloft as she let loose on Katy after overhearing Katy bad-mouthing our anorexic heroine. Katy wasn’t the only one who was irritated with Janu’s descent into hell. Gregg referred to Janu as a real “buzz kill.” Gregg, are you serious? A “buzz kill?” As if living on a deserted island, everyone reeking from their own body waste, rats crawling everywhere, rain pouring down every other night, and everyone bickering at each other night and day could ever be considered a “buzz.” Get real. Maybe it’s a buzz for you slipping into the jungle to bone Jenn, but let me set you straight, Elvis. It ain’t no buzz for everyone else. Life with Janu is more like you are the parent of six kids under the age of ten and your spouse goes out of town, leaving them in your care, and everything goes to hell, and every time you think you almost have it under control, almost have the clutter and poop and puke cleaned up, the neighbor kid knocks at the door, the one who always has a dirty face with snot hanging from his nose and he takes twenty minutes to tell you about something his brother did last week. It’s more like adding a little kerosene to the hell fires than a “buzz.”

The Reward Challenge involved two teams of four building a scaffold in the water. The first team to retrieve a flag at the top and bring it to shore got a special prize. Oh yes, you guessed it. Chow. The winners would get to go to a genuine Polynesian-Trash Barbeque. Janu, Caryn, Tom, and Gregg managed to take the lead (late-breaking shocker: Janu actually helped!), then continued onto Victory. I wasn’t sure they were going to make it at first because Janu appeared to have instantaneously contracted Cerebral Palsy while treading water, but it turned out to just be facial contortions caused by lifting five pounds.

The four winners were whisked off to a Palauan Mobile Home community where they were presented to the biggest, fattest Palauan chief I have ever seen. Okay, he’s the ONLY Palauan chief I’ve ever seen, but I’m really surprised that the FCC didn’t fine CBS for not blurring out his colossal man-boobs. Mother of PEARL! Those had to be DD’s at least. His left leg was bigger than Janu’s entire body. Hell, it was bigger than MY entire body!

Shortly after introductions, dinner was served and sadly, no sautéed cricket. Strategizing was pushed aside and all went well until Queen Bulimia Janu excused herself and engaged in the ultimate insult to the Palauan cooks as she hurled the delectable delights outside. Nice, Janu. I sure hope it tasted as good coming up as it did going down. It was like Bush #1 with the Japanese elite all over again. She returned to the table much to the dismay of the sickened diners and then proceeded to burp so loudly I almost expected it to be followed by “Go get me a beer, Peg!” Instead, there was stunned silence.

When the bloated three plus their walking stick Janu returned to camp, they brought the leftover bounty for their tribe mates. Janu and Caryn apparently got their second wind and dove into the stash intended for Ian, Steph, Katy, and Jenn. Somehow I found the act more acceptable from Caryn since she didn’t buick her first meal back at the Palauan tailgate party. But Janu should have been ashamed of herself. I wish Steph would have slapped Janu’s hand when she reached for that piece of chicken, but in fairness, she probably would have broken it and felt really bad afterward.

Before long it was once again time for the Immunity Challenge. Survivors were placed under a cage-like apparatus about 6 inches above the water and instructed to hang on as long as possible. As the tide came in, the water would rise and the last person holding on would get immunity. The twist was, the first person opting out would be shipped off to a deserted island and have to spend the night by themselves.

Janu got a little shiver, no doubt due to her complete lack of body fat, and bailed first. The thought of solitude probably wasn’t as fear-invoking with her as it was with others due to the other personalities keeping her company. Soon the other women joined her as Tom cleverly formed a snorkel out of his hand. Ian and Gregg tried to hold on, and I was sure that Ian would actually be able to slide his narrow bird-head between the cage bars and breathe freely, but in the end it was Tom who once again came out victorious. Shocking.

Janu was whisked off to her solitary wonderland. After struggling to make fire for hours, she finally got a blaze going and performed a Pagan nature dance on the beach. Thank Gods she didn’t get naked. I’m confused enough about her gender as it is. Meanwhile, back at Koror the alliances were flying. Tom agreed to vote off Stephanie but struggled because he secretly wanted to slip her the salami. Everyone told Steph they were voting off the anorexic wonder Janu, except for Janu who told Steph they were voting off Susie, the little girl who lives in the attic with her teddy bear. Steph suspects it will really be her who gets voted off. Sharp girl.

At tribal council, Jeff Probst revealed his true feelings for Steph. Apparently Tom isn’t the only one who wants to knight Steph with his purple scepter of passion. Jeff grilled Janu on her feelings and got her to admit she wanted to be voted off. Somehow he was able to twist her words and get her to consider throwing down her torch. At one point he actually said, “What’s the difference between asking your team to vote you off and throwing in your torch?” Aha, Jeff! I see where you are going! Jeff was trying desperately to buy Steph another night in hopes that he might secretly catch her sunbathing nude on the hidden camera. By persuading Janu into quitting, he succeeded. No question in my mind, Jeff was out of line in how he grilled Janu. As much as I wanted Steph to stay, I wholeheartedly disagree with his manner of coercion, even if he did manage to make Janu think it was her own decision. Bad host!

The silver lining was, at least Steph got to….Stay……just a little bit longer…..we wanna plaaaay….just a little bit longer. But…oh god! It wasn’t much longer, was it? I can’t believe it! Steph is gone! What’s even more shocking is that the combined IQ of the entire remaining Koror tribe is even SMALLER than I thought! Week 11’s episode brought the demise of our little Stephanie when the remaining Koror members, faced with what could possibly be the ONLY time Tom doesn’t win immunity, decided to vote off our little Polly Purebread instead of the true biggest threat on the team. Tom rules and Stephanie drools, and now it’s just the matter of who our perfect little firefighter decides to take to the top. Hateful Koror!

Week 11 began with Stephenie trying desperately to form some alliances. She first tried to pick Katy’s brain and not surprisingly, came up empty. Meanwhile, King Hypocrite Tom pleaded for his longevity with other tribe members, urging them to not penalize him for being a strong competitor. Because, you know, he single-handedly brought the tribe to victory against Ulong over and over and over again. LIAR! What? Oh, okay…perhaps he is right. But I take issue with Tom, on the one hand trying to persuade Survivors to not vote for him because he is a strong competitor, and then deciding to vote for Stephenie because she is a strong competitor. ILLOGICAL! DOES NOT COMPUTE! I think Tom is getting a little too big for his flame retardant britches.

Then it was time for the annual Food Auction Reward Challenge. Competitors were given $500 and allowed to vote on hidden dishes. The cuisine was top notch and nothing eventful to report except that Jeff Probst didn’t hold back when Ian came up for his spaghetti smelling like something that has been festering in a garbage bin for about a week. Ian didn’t seem to care as he dove into his pasta and topped it off with a beer. After the edibles came letters from home and several tissues for your humble reporter. I can’t help it. Every time the letters from home come, I fall to pieces.

Back at camp, Ian took his intense reeking to heart and decided to bathe. I felt bad for him. Jeff was pretty blunt and it’s not like they are at the Ritz Carlton with free soap and shampoo and a nice shower to use. Oh. Wait. They DO have free soap and shampoo and a nice shower. As Ian bathed in the ocean, he called over Mr. Bubble in the Tubble Gregg to scrub his gritty back in a scene that would have given my gay friends goosebumps. Ian claimed he is secure with his sexuality so he doesn’t care what other tribe members think, but I think his actions speak volumes about what exactly that sexuality is. Even Caryn would have been a technically “heterosexual” choice (barely), but no. He asked Gregg instead. Tom walked by and confirmed to Ian that there were still a few spots to clean on his neck but like any other good Homophobe, he refused to help out. I think Jenn should be concerned a little about her stud Gregg.

As Ian bathed, the alliances continued. Bubbe Caryn in her Russian Babushka confirmed her stance with Tom. She thinks Tom will look out for her. Hmm. Sometimes I feel bad for Caryn because she clearly is confused, and not just about her sexuality and gender identities. I’m a woman, it’s in my nature to be empathetic. And yet, sometimes I just want to smack her and yell, “Stupid Bitch!” I struggle with that.

The Immunity challenge was one of skill. A big Tic-Tac-Toe board was set up with five colored tiles for each person. Surivors had to try and break their own tiles with a coconut with the first person getting to 5 winning immunity. Ian rocked the competition and in an ironic twist of fate, Tom ended up accidentally breaking Ian’s final tile, giving Giraffe Boy the coveted Immunity Necklace (which, by the way, does not look like Willard).

Once again, Tom pleaded for his life, playing up his role in the fight against Ulong. If I were the other members, I might be offended that one person was claiming to have done all the work in the challenges. Then again, if I were the other members, I’d probably feel guilty because he was right. And if I were the other members, I probably wouldn’t be thinking too much about any thing except food and daisies because my IQ would be about equal to that coconut over there. But if I were the other members, at least my IQ would be high enough to realize that Tom is my biggest obstacle to winning a million bucks and I’d fry him like a potato pancake.

It almost looked like the women would ally and make an actual smart decision for once, but at Tribal Council, tribe loyalty took precedence over logic as Stephenie was voted off in a near-sweep. Too bad. She was really looking forward to completing the gender reassignment surgery. Meanwhile, the remaining Koror members will head back to the Church of Tom to take holy communion in the form of fried coconut and boiled water. May Tom bless you and keep you, may his countenance shine upon you, may he give you peace and a spot in the final two. Nice job, Koror. You blew it.

Coby's Pride 

Survivor Palau Week 9

My fag-hag heart beats a little heavier this week after the most recent Survivor Palau vote-off. Coby Archa of the Koror tribe was ousted almost overwhelmingly by his mates and somewhere in the world, a rainbow fades. Weep with me as we say farewell to his pink mini-skirt wrap, his bouncing man-teets, and his biting sarcasm. His introspect on fellow and sister Koror members will be sadly missed. Two snaps and a hip thrust for Survivor’s most entertaining homosexual since Richard “Down With Taxes” Hatch. You go girl. You go.

Week 9 began with Stephanie heading back to the Ulong shanty all alone after Bobby Jon’s departure. Timeout from my usual hilarity for some analysis: I gotta believe that the CBS Producers knowingly took advantage of the unprecedented Ulong losing streak and made a calculated decision to NOT merge the two tribes when Ulong was down to two. My recollection is that typically the tribes merge at 10 members. The first individual voted off goes off into oblivion (much like any thing I say to my mother – it just gets lost in the abyss), then the second vote-off becomes the first jury member. Didn’t happen this time – and I can’t say I blame CBS. With a show that predictable, you have to take advantage of anything different that comes along.

While Stephanie tried valiantly to survive in the Ulong hellhole alone (well…she did have Bobby Jon’s snot remnants to keep her company), the big happy Koror family began showing signs of the bubble bursting. Several members began complaining about being hungry. Not hungry like the Survivor Africa members who grew so gaunt and thin that even the lions stopped stalking them. No, hungry like my stepsons, who can split a medium pizza and then go raiding the snack cupboard an hour later. Hungry like that. Janu was the only one I really believed as she weathered her Zoloft withdrawal in the camp hammock. I ask for the umpteenth time, what possesses people to try out for shows like this if they are going to peter out on day five? If Janu had been on Survivor Australia, and I was one of her tribe mates, I might have suggested a special Janu offering to the Alligator gods. Not that it would have been much more than an appetizer to Sir Croc. But then again, the gesture really would have been selfishly motivated.

I’m sure if Coby were there, he’d be first in line. Temper, temper!

After several attempts to secure some chow, Stephanie finally got the tree mail she’d been waiting for: An invitation to merge with Koror, complete with a secret gift for her new tribe. I cried with her as she packed her bags and headed out to sea. Upon her arrival at Koror, the oldies were abuzz with the prospect of new blood. Everyone seemed happier than a pig in sh*t to have Stephanie with them. Hmm, if only we could hear what they were really thinking:

Coby (blatantly calling his girl Stephanie over to give her a big hug and invite her into his alliance): Bitch, I want to hate you because you’re pretty and I know you wouldn’t give me the time of day if we met on the street, but I have a strange attraction to you and I think it’s testosterone-related. I’ve never wanted a woman sexually in my LIFE, go figure. Plus, if I can get you on my side, I can vote off all those hot guys who won’t acknowledge me. Waaa.

Jenn (hugging Stephanie and welcoming her warmly, as if Steph were her long-lost sister coming home from war): BITCH! BITCH, BITCH, BITCH! My hair IS better than yours and screw your competitiveness! You are going DOWN, and while you are there I’m going to scratch your eyes out! I’ll give you VD! BITCH!

TomGod (taking great pains to reiterate how flawless and above-reproach he is as the unofficial leader of Koror): Stephanie, I’d like to put out your fire with my hose. Let me show you how well I handle my machete…

Janu (smiling sweetly from her hammock): Stephanie seems like a really nice girl. No she doesn’t! SHUT UP! I’m not listening! You better listen to me, or I’m going to let the bad people get you again! I’m sorry! I just want a friend. She’s not your friend, you stupid whore! She’ll hurt you like the others! MOMMY! Gurgle.

Gregg (putting his arm around his main squeeze Jenn as they welcome Stephanie): Let me show you how well I handle my machete…

Katie (clapping her hands): SWEET! We can braid each other’s hair! Share recipes! You can hold the rope while I macramé! I wonder if Stephanie knows how to play Hopscotch.

Caryn (sitting on a rock legs spread open as a thin twig hangs from her mouth like an old cigarette): Great, another prissy bitch like Katie. Just what we need. Still…she IS kind of cute. I wonder if she swings both ways…

Ian (trying to find his own balls): Oh, DUDE, I can’t wait for you to meet Tom! He’s AMAZING! Wait until you see how well he handles his machete!

Stephanie gave her new tribe the gift, which turned out to be A NEW CAR! Oh wait, that was The Price is Right, sorry. The gift was actually Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum, two Palau natives who would be spending the night and showing the tribe how to fish. Palau fish are a little on the snobby side, so you can’t just use worms or insects to catch them. The fish see a cricket and they get offended, like "Whatevuh!" Fishing in Palau is a two-step process. First you have to catch smaller fish with the insects, then you must use the smaller fish as bait. Step one went well as the four Koror men mastered the fishing line. It’s not like it was rocket science. Poke bait…throw…pull. Bobby Jon might have scratched his head a few times, but the Koror guys have IQ’s higher than Corky from “Life Goes On,” so it was pretty easy for them.

When it was time for step two, they decided to split up and have some of the guys go out with the natives in their boat to fish-fish, and some of them stay near camp to continue bait-fishing. Coby thought the split would be 2 and 2, not one on three like his days at the San Francisco bathhouses, so he offered to stay and continue bait-gathering with Ian. Tom apparently felt that Coby might try to bone any men left behind and suggested that he, Ian, AND Gregg go out with the large-breasted Palauans.

Ring, ring. Hello? May I speak with Coby, please? This is Coby speaking. Hello Coby, this is the Hissy Fit Club, we wanted to extend our Platinum Membership to you TODAY with full benefits!

Coby once again felt he was being deliberately left out of the Guy’s Club, especially when someone tried to console our rainbow butterfly by suggested that perhaps the women might handle the bait and Coby could come out with the rugged group. Coby didn't like that either, and stomped off muttering something about being the “Bait Man.” Perhaps, Coby, perhaps You are definitely not the straight man, but you might very well be the bait man. I think if you step back and think about it for a minute, you’ll see that Tom is right. You are better at going after the Worm, while Tom, Ian, and Gregg are clearly interested in going after the Fish. It’s not something you can help, so accept it and move on.

The Palauans and Koror men return later with an abundance of fish. Next on Survivor: FIREFIGHTERS GONE WILD! WOO HOO! PARTY! Part of the Stephanie Welcome Wagon included some Island Rum served up in coconuts. SPRING BREAK! Tom went right for the bottle, then tried to drink a shot from the senior Palau native’s belly. Later they played quarters with a seashell, but Spin the Bottle got quickly axed when Coby’s first try ended up pointing to Jenn. YUCK! Tom staggered around a little longer, then passed out in his own puke. Gregg tried to get him to pee by putting his hand in a coconut filled with warm sea water, but it was too late. The rum had already come pouring out like water on a five-alarm fire. My gosh, it was just like living with Bobby Jon.

I’m kidding of course. Tom got plastered and couldn’t walk, yet he woke up EARLY to go fishing…and did NOT have a hangover. Why, you ask? Because he is a deity, and deities do not get hangovers.

The next morning as the fog cleared, Coby revealed all the alliances to Stephanie in a “what have I got to lose” attempt to weasel her into his own club. He apparently thinks Steph is signed, sealed, and delivered since he and Steph have “always gotten along.” Always, Coby? What’s “always?” Like, you got along that first night before the two tribes parted? You bonded for 24 hours three weeks ago? What makes you think your bond is still tighter than the 18-year-old you did after the Gay Pride parade back in 2003?

Frankly, I couldn’t keep all the alliances straight. But several things became clear. One, Stephanie was definitely not going home next. And two, Tom wanted to seriously ravage Stephanie right there on the beach. GROWL! I think they should get together and have a semi-god-child like Achilles.

Then it was immunity time again. This time a simple game of willpower and balance was the challenge. Koror members stood atop small stools set in the water. The last person standing would get immunity. Jeff Probst, that sneaky bastard, began tempting members with food items. You’d think after their hearty meal of lobster and Cap’n Morgan’s that they’d be able to withstand the urge. But lo and behold, Coby and Janu jumped after mere minutes for two donuts each. Lame. They weren’t even Krispy Kreme’s! Next were Ian, Gregg, Katie, and Jenn, who jumped for their share of chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk. Um…does anyone really care about winning at this point? A million bucks can buy you a LOT of cookies, folks. A lot.

Tom, Steph, and Caryn held out for more than 3 hours, until the Dominos Delivery Guy came a-callin. At the first smell of marinara sauce, the "ladies" jumped off their perches so fast, all I could see were two big blurs ending in mozzerella. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s immunity. For Tom, that is. I’m so ashamed of Stephanie. I think she really could have done it. Chocolate? Okay, sure, I could see it. I would have stripped naked and jumped into a pool of piranhas for a King-sized Snickers, but pizza? Come on!

Fortunately for Stephanie, her pizza scramble did not come back to haunt her. Coby’s attitude got exponentially obnoxious and his tribe mates were sick of it. He was voted off in a flurry, much to the dismay of alternative lifestyles all over the world. I’m a little sad too, but I have my purple ribbon on the back bumper of my Nissan. Au Revoir, Coby. You go girl. Now you gone.

Bobby Jon at Immunity Week 8 

Survivor Palau Weeks 7 & 8

Let’s here it for the boys…let’s give the boys a hand (a hand waving good-bye). Where the boys are…(I don’t know, but they’re not on Palau). The boys are back in town, the boys are back in town (but not any town near Palau). Yes, hard to believe but the Ulong tribe is now down to one - that’s ONE - member. Stephanie has single-handedly managed to keep herself in the game as the men have fallen three weeks in a row. After James took his leave, Ibrehem was the next to go (praise be to Allah). Then there were two and after a fiery challenge with Bobby Jon at tribal council, Steph walked away as the victor. She is woman (sort of), hear her roar.

Let’s get into Mr. Peabody’s Wayback machine and revisit the events of the last two weeks.

Sometimes I’m amazed that Steph has gotten so far in game being that she is so horribly bad at concealing the lie in her voice (which was quite evident as she “allied” with BJ). Fortunately for Steph, Bobby Jon has the IQ of a toad, so her half-hearted promise was lost on him. Ibrehem was too busy trying to figure out which direction was east to pay much attention to the infidels. Kidding! I’m just kidding!

Over at Koror, Tom completed the 8-Minute Abs workout in only 5 minutes! He’s amazing! He and Tony Little are coming out with the NYC Company C Ab-Lounger on the Home Shopping Network next month. Fortunately for Tom’s physique, Ian had “Atkins Diet” on his mind when he scored the world’s biggest clam for Koror's dining pleasure. I pause here for a moment as I beg to differ on the scope of his catch. If I am not mistaken, Sea Shell City (off I-75 in Cheboygan, Michigan) is home to the “Giant Man-Eating Clam,” which I believe is much bigger than Ian’s catch. Sometimes CBS likes to exaggerate. In any case, the Koror tribe wasn’t worried about technicalities as they dined on the delectable protein. The only things missing were a visit from Frankie and Annette and a couple of clean bikinis.

Just when you thought it was safe to go into the water (after waiting 30 minutes post-meal, of course), Tom one-upped Ian by slaying a Great White with his machete. Okay, it wasn’t really a Great White (more like a big trout), but still! Jaws Jr. was lured to the beach by the blood of the “giant” clam, which sickened me a little because I was unaware that clams actually had blood that was red like human blood. I was under the impression that they had a creamy butter sauce running through their veins, but I guess that’s why I find shows like Survivor so educational. Tom went medieval on the hungry Chondrichthye and once again Koror dined in style on some 6 or 7 pounds of meat.

How the heck do they get so lucky? How, I ask? Six pounds of protein, meanwhile poor Ulong can’t score a crayfish. Coby was not impressed with his tribe, although he sucked up the meat like it was his ex-boyfriend. His sarcasm dripped more than my grandma drinking a cup of coffee in her final days. Sad. So sad.

Then it was Tree Mail time as the tribes were informed that they would engage in a design contest. The tribe creating the best signal visible from a plane flying overhead would win a box of tasty goodies. Ulong wasted no time demolishing their old shelter and bathroom to build a big sign on the beach. They did everything right – used huge thick letters, lit a fire – oh, except for one little detail. Um, Ulong…the next time you have to build a signal visible from a plane…in the SKY…here’s a little tip from your Home Improvement Expert: Don’t build the signal UNDER THE TREES! I learned that one from Landscape Challenge on HGTV, the episode titled "When Bad SOS Signs Happen to Good Castaways." Ulong had a buttload of beach readily available to them, and what did they do? They constructed their design half in the forest. Nice job. Apparently you let Bobby Jon handle the logistics. Location, location, location!

Koror managed to finish a half-assed design, then couldn’t even get their signal fire lit. Yet the carefully calculated placement of their sign out in the open secured them all the goodies. How the heck do they get so lucky??? The box of wine and cheese tortellini was enjoyed by all and I half-expected Laverne DaFazio’s father to come out with a checkered tablecloth and some garlic bread. Good thing the box of goodies also included some fishing equipment, so FINALLY the Koror tribe can catch something substantial. Mother of PEARL, with those tools and Tom’s inherent skill, they’ll be having tuna cakes and calamari for their next meal.

Koror makes like they are just one big happy family. But just like the Corleones, they will fall. Oh yes. They will fall.

We have already begun to see some of the dissent within Koror. The happy couple Gregg & Jen showed signs of stress as Gregg struggled with an important decision: should he go wholeheartedly for the million dollars or keep trying to get into Jen’s pants? Gregg…think about this very carefully now. If you win a million dollars, Jen will let you get into her pants. And if she doesn’t, there are hundreds of other girls out there with mild cases of VD who will be happy to take her place. So focus on the money, you’ll be happier in the end.

Meanwhile, I heard it on good authority that HBO is reviving “Tales from the Crypt” with Janu as the new host.

And…back to Ulong, where Bobby Jon once again falters in the shadow of Tom. BJ did manage to hook a fairly large clam (more of a “Toe Eating Clam” than a man-eating one) but there were no sharks to supplement their protein intake. There was only a black minnow, which Steph thinks will definitely help them in the challenge…and although Steph does have her facts straight (protein can indeed help increase brain power), I daresay there isn’t enough meat in all of Palau to increase the Dynamic Trio’s IQ enough to actually win a challenge.

And I was right (did you even doubt me?). The Immunity Challenge was a puzzle, but before it even began it was clear who the victors would be. As the two tribes came together at the challenge site, it was one big mug of humiliation as Ulong and their minnow-filled tummies stood next to the vast Koror Tribe, fed by Tom the Sharkslayer. I think Caryn’s hips have actually gotten bigger. To make matters worse, the challenge took place in the water, and we KNOW what a fabulous swimmer Ibrehem is.

Each tribe had a caller who stood on a platform, plus two movers who treaded water amid floating puzzle pieces and moved them at the direction of the person on the platform. Why Ulong chose Bobby Jon to be their caller is beyond me. After 30 minutes, Koror’s Coby had all but cinched the challenge for his team while Ulong’s pieces were more messed up than before. Steph was doing a better job figuring out which pieces to move from her spot under the murky water than Bobby Jon with his bird's eye view. Finally our Mensa wannabe gave up and let Steph take a crack at direction. God bless her, she almost came through! If Steph had been at the helm right from the get-go, I think it would have been a sure win for our dejected losers, but alas, Koror came through again for the 6th win in a row.

As the Ulong alliances fell apart, Bobby Jon struggled with whom he should vote for. Should he go with his Alabama brother Ibrehem? In some parts of the south people believe that everyone is their brother (or mamma-sister, or something like that), so it would be difficult for BJ to overcome such strong social mores. Yet he gave his word to Stephanie. Bobby is definitely not going to win any SAT scholarships with lines like, “I was sticking with him, now I am sticking with you [Steph].” Profound.

Look, I hate stereotypes. Don’t think I don’t cringe a little every time I hear someone tell a Polish joke, knowing that my Warsaw-founded intellect is highly superior to most people’s, and extremely evolved like an alien’s. When the punchline comes, I know that I am far smarter than the teller of the joke, but I also realize that somewhere in history someone was probably responsible for the misconception. Somewhere, at some time, a Polish hockey team probably really WAS unsuccessful because they DID drown during spring training. Likewise, I now truly believe that Bobby Jon is solely responsible for the stereotype that Alabamans sleep with their siblings and spawn mentally defective children. Maybe Big Tom from Survivor Africa helped on this one. But a lot of it is Bobby Jon.

He had one crowning moment at the end when he actually voted off Ibrehem instead of Stephanie. Too bad for Ibe, but I’m sure he can find solace in his prayers.

And then there were two. Welcome to the BJ and Stephanie show! Back at camp, Stephanie thanked Bobby Jon for keeping his word. She’s still pretty confident in the Ulong tribe, even if it only has two members. BJ is confident too, because he’s probably going to get a BJ for “Sticking with” Steph. She owes him.

At Koror, the cocky tribe members dealt with a hoard of rats. Coby, who I believe has the only sense in the entire tribe, thought his sloppy tribe mates deserved the infestation. Between the coconuts left lying around, trash everwhere, and the “Lord of the Flies” shark head mascot covered with maggots, it was no wonder. At one point I’m sure I heard one of the rats exclaim, “Ben, the two of us need look no more…because all of the good stuff is right here by the Koror shelter!” Coby didn’t have many nice things to say about the women of the team in particular. That’s because all of them are fairly good-looking and therefore would not be hanging out with him if not for the Survivor circumstance.

(It’s a “fag hag” joke, folks. Don’t make me explain it again. Before you start cringing, let me just point out that I am the biggest fruit loop on the planet, and I wear the badge with pride.)

At this point, I just want to say this: F--- YOU, KOROR! I HOPE YOU ALL GET CRUSHED LIKE A CHEAP BEER CAN AND STEPH WINS THE LOOT! Cocky SOB’s.

The next Reward Challenge quickly came upon the Survivors, and this one (not surprisingly) involved food. What WAS surprising was that it involved not Pringles or tortellini, but rather a Palau delicacy called “Balut.” Balut, should you be wondering, is partially formed duckling. Duck fetus. Duck embryo. Baby Duck complete with beak. My GAWD the producers at CBS are pampering the contestants! What’s next? Bull testicle flambé? Tom and Ian of Koror went up against Ulong in a head-to-head-to-beak competition. It all came down to a tie-breaker between Bobby Jon and Tom. As we all know, slow and steady wins the race, and Tom’s methodical dining won out on Bobby Jon’s southern graces as BJ tried to stuff five Balut in his mouth at one time. Problem is, Bobby Jon...Sugar...the human throat is not the size of a football, so there was no way you were going to be able to swallow all of them at the same time. But it’s okay. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

This time the reward was a 55 gallon shower tank and some much-needed hygiene supplies (thank GAWD, because some of those bikini bottoms would make a dog’s eyes water). All members were happy to have some mouthwash, while Janu eyed the razor for her sideburns. TomGod wanted to use the clean water only for drinking, while Jen was dreaming of a nice shower to prepare her for the next 20 days of reeking (note to Jen: soap won’t actually help with your little problem…you need antibiotics for whatever it is crawling in your thong). Of course, Ian (Tom’s #1 fan and founder of the Holy Tomethodist Church of Palau) supported Tom’s decision and no one else spoke up for fear they’d be turned into a serpent or have to deal with a million locusts. In the end they decided to NOT shower with the water, and Jen was NOT happy. You know what I say to that? YESSSS! Dissent!

Back at Ulong, the gruesome twosome struggled with Bobby Jon’s increasing disappointment in himself. How could he get beat by Tom??? Look, BJ…Tom was born on Mt. Olympus. Zeus came down and banged a New York debutante, so don’t be so hard on yourself. You will never be able to attain Tom’s status, even if your sister wasn’t also your daughter. But BJ was mad, and so his earlier “Anger Management” self came out again. At least his southern upbringing reminds him to apologize when he farts or blows a snot rocket onto the Ulong marital bed. Come on, BJ. I know you don’t have any tissue, but TRY.

Steph was just about at her tit’s end with BJ. She became frustrated and didn’t know what to say to him all alone out there. Hey, Steph…try “DOH!” or just growl. That might help. But her spirits are up. If she can make it there…she can make it ANYWHERE! She’s gonna make it after all. For the first time, Steph broke down in front of the camera and it broke my heart. No question, she deserves to win the million dollars more than any of the remaining Koror members.

Then it was Tree Mail time again for Immunity. This one said “Think or Thwim” – oh, wait, sorry…that was Coby. It said “Think or Swim” and hopefully for Ulong it would be a little more swimmin’ and a little less thinkin’. Alas, it was a word scramble, word find, anagram puzzle, coupled with some underwater treasure hunting. Survivors had to retrieve puzzle pieces from the sea and then put them together back on the beach. The first tribe to solve the puzzle would win immunity. Coby and Gregg went up against Ulong, and two important things should be noted here: First, Coby should NOT wear a Speedo, ever, ever again. Ever. And second, BJ runs like those Australian Frilled Lizards that scoot across the desert on their hind legs. Frightening on both accounts.

The teams were dead even after retrieving the four underwater bags of puzzle pieces but once again, Ulong struggled during the part of the challenge where brain cells were a factor. Even with Steph unashamedly looking at the other tribe’s work, Koror still managed to pull through and win immunity for an unprecedented 7th time. Sad. So sad.

Because Steph and BJ would vote for each other and therefore cause a tie, there would be an individual challenge to determine who would stay and who would go. Once at Tribal Council, BJ admitted that Steph “can do anything a man can do.” Due to feedback from some of my faithful minions on my recent commentary regarding Stephanie being part male, and their concern that I might think they have certain “tendencies” because they find Stephanie attractive, I will refrain from making any references to her being part man, even though she is. What I will say is that due to her varied gene pool, she does have the edge over Bobby Jon mentally.

At first it seemed like Steph might be going home. The individual challenge turned out to be a fire-making contest, and wasn’t it a coincidence that just moments before, Jeff Probst asked both of them who was the better fire-starter! Bobby Jon, no doubt…they all agreed. Imagine my surprise when Stephanie got her fire going and lit her torch first, securing another night on the island. I must say…I nearly cried. I’m rooting for Stephanie! Go “girl!” Stephanie headed back to camp as the sole Ulong survivor. It will be a scary night there all alone, but fortunately for her, she doesn’t have a bed for the Boogeyman to hide under. And if for some reason he shows up anyway, he'll probably slip on Bobby Jon's boogers and die a horrid death. HA! Then he'd be a dead Boogerman!

Don't worry. Steph will be fine. I heard the Blair Witch is just an urban legend anyway. MWAA HAA HA HAAAAAA!!!