Ernest Goes to Palau 

Survivor Palau Week 6

If you look upon the family reunion as a chance to meet “Mrs. Right,” you might be a redneck. If you think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk, you might be a redneck. If you berate your tribe mate for losing challenges even though you suck far worse, and then you get your ass kicked off Survivor by your turncoat comrades anyway, you just might be a redneck. Or you might be James, who single-handedly revived the Jim Varney fan club. James got too cocky and his tribe mates gave him his deliverance. You got such a purty mouth, James. But it got you in trouble. Now squeal. Squeal like a pig.

As James was busy blaming Ibrehem for the tribe’s woes, over at Koror the Survivors were pumped after their hearty beefsteak meal. While the rest of the Koror tribe worked on cleaning up and enhancing the camp, Katie taught a course in macramé. Caryn wants Katie to work harder like the rest of her companions and not just be the Carnival Cruise nightclub act day after day. Caryn thinks Katie is pretty useless, but what Caryn would realize if she could just be subjected to a recording of her own voice is that she’s a BIG FAT ANAL-RETENTIVE NAG! Yes, Katie is a lazy pig, but who else is going to make the plant hangers? If not Katie, then who will provide the much-needed decorative bracelets for everyone??? Did you ever think of that, Caryn? Just wait until the next challenge when none of the Ulong members can concentrate because they are mesmerized by the artwork. Now imagine that everyone’s neck and wrists were bare of adornments and there were no pretty shiny things to attract the attention of the enemy. It would be a slaughterhouse. Leave Katie be. She is protecting the interests of the tribe via hand crochet. Plus, who else can do sock puppets of Punch and Judy on the fly? Now THAT is talent.

Look out, it’s Tree Mail time! The Reward Challenge this week consisted of a shooting contest. Each team had to aim for tiles labeled with their tribe name. The first team to hit six tiles would get to enjoy the grand prize. This week the lucky Survivors would win….A TRIP TO JELLYFISH LAKE! COME ON DOWN! (clap hands excitedly here) Yes, a relaxing ride on a Japanese boat, complete with Mai Tais (oh yeah, baby!) and…er…Pringles. Much as I hate CBS continually feeding the animals, think they could have at least sprung for Ruffles with Ridges and some Yoder's onion dip. Cheapskates.

It was a very close competition, and you will find this hard to believe, but James did not do well. I know! Shocking, because he SLAUGHTERED the other competitors in the last few challenges (not to get you all riled up, but just wait until you hear how James came back and ROCKED at Immunity!). Anyhoo, Ernest had a bad day at Camp, but fortunately for Ulong Stephanie aced each of her shots and took the remaining 3 Uglongs to victory. It was a much-needed win.

Aboard the Japanese ship, James, Steph, BJ, and Ibrehem dined on Mai Tais and Pringles printed with Survivor Trivia. The questions were pretty bland...I mean, who gives a rat's ass who the first person voted off Surivivor Pearl Islands was? Here are some suggestions I have for future Pringles promo trivia questions:

Which Survivor females did NOT have surgically enhanced breasts? (hint: there are five total)

Which Survivor other than Wanda was voted least likely to be on anyone’s sexual fantasy list?

True or False: Ted really humped Ghandia.

How many of Ruperts chromosomes are actually human?

Which attractive Survivor females do NOT have VD? (hint, there are three total)

Name the token alternative lifestyle Survivor from each season.

After their trivial meal, the Ulong members arrived at Jellyfish Lake and searched for Nemo amid the stingless creatures. Meanwhile, the Koror losers weathered a vicious storm. The next day, Janu fell into a deep lackluster funk - kind of like my mom’s cousin Marilyn, who shops a lot and has a nervous breakdown every couple of years but then recovers and is able to shop once again. Apparently Janu was not informed that in spite of CBS’s propensity to continually feed the Survivors, it is still not a good idea to come into the show anorexic. Her tribe mate Katie, who coincidentally was voted Miss Drama Queen 2005 (and is clearly prepared for 39 days with minimal food), was not impressed with Janu’s display. Now, now, Katie. You know as well as the rest of us that Prozac withdrawal trumps laziness every time. Try to be a little more sympathetic. Your turn in the spotlight will be up next. Meanwhile, keep knitting.

Soon it was time for another Immunity Scouts Merit Badge challenge. Each tribe was provided with a lockbox and some rope and instructed to encase the box securely in the twine. The opposing tribe would have to try and free the lockbox to attain victory. James took the lead for Ulong because he had a special knot he learned from his top-secret high-security stint as a deckhand in the Navy (he has a fabulous recipe for bean soup too). James knew a magic way to tie the knots so that when Koror attempted to free the lockbox, the knot would get tighter. Brilliant! He didn’t want to say so at the time, but he supposedly gained the knowledge after beating Doug Henning at a poker game aboard the USS Redneck back in '94. See the knot! It's an illusion!

The competition began with tribe members swimming out to a floating lumberyard where they could secure more supplies to build up the lockbox fortress. The four competing Koror members all charged out to sea to retrieve the bundles of wood. Ulong’s strategy was decidedly different. Steph and Bobby Jon raced into the water as Ibrehem cried, “EW!” like a little girl and stopped to fasten his arm Floaties before leaving the beach. He never actually made it out past his knees. James, on the other hand, was up to his usual high-intensity competition as he pulled double duty back at the lockbox station. Not only was he intensely watching the fortress site to make sure it didn’t blow away in an unprecedented tropical tornado, but he also managed to practice tying other magic knots in his loincloth as the others swam their little hearts out.

Coby, who sat out this challenge, expressed his lack of confidence in his group as they seemed to fall behind. It was all for naught though, as Koror eventually managed to easily make their way through James magic knot. Apparently James went UNDER when he should have gone OVER and instead of getting tighter, the massive knot disintegrated, giving Koror yet another immunity from the Tribal Council vote-off. The Ulong losers were dejected, but they should have known better than to let James connive his way to leadership. The truth is, he actually learned that knot in Kindergarten (they call it “Bunny Ears” when it’s used on shoes). I mean, James wears Velcro sneakers, for crying out loud. Shoulda been a dead giveaway.

Back at camp, James once again blamed Ibrehem for their status in the game. Look, the fact is, James is a big dick. He is a horrible competitor and had no right to challenge anyone else’s performance. He played up his extraordinary shooting ability and yet he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a bazooka at 20 feet. Then he insisted on tying a knot that fell apart like a wet noodle. And we saw how fast he got beat up by a guy with manboobs. James had no advantage in the game other than Stephanie secretly had the hots for him and couldn’t bear to vote him off (which is interesting considering James's aversion to the alternative lifestyles, and Steph being a hermaphrodite and all).

After Stephanie bold-face lied to Bobby Jon about writing his name down the night before, she formed an alliance with him and promised to vote for James. Then she lied again and ended up voting for Ibrehem, causing a tie. A revote ensued and finally Steph did the right thing. Hey, it's a woman's perogative to change her mind...again and again and again. James went home, thereby ensuring the NASCAR teams another fruitful season.

Find the Immunity Idol and win a PRIZE! 

Survivor Palau Week 5

What? Wait a minute, I’m all flummoxed! I get the part about Angie getting voted off…another bad decision by Ulong in a long Survivor history of stupidity. But what happened earlier??? Koror voted off the Immunity Idol! Yes, I saw it with my own two eyes! It just doesn’t make sense! I mean, how stupid! It’s just a wooden statue, you can’t just vote off…wha-? WHAT? You say that WASN’T the Immunity Idol? I beg to differ! It most certainly was...WHAT? You say that was WILLARD that got voted off? You serious? Well I’ll be a wooden monkey’s uncle. It WAS Willard! My god. I have to wean myself off the Nyquil.

Week 5 began not with a wooden monkey, but with another kind of wood – that being Gregg as he snuggled up to Jenn in a Rob&Amber-inspired moment. I’m sure it’s true love. Coby got a little jealous, methinks. If I were Jenn I’d watch my back. Considering the way Coby panty-poked James in the challenge last week, she should think twice about coming between a man and his….man.

Then again, if I were Jenn, I would have enough consideration to not expose a nice guy like Gregg to that horrible VD. A little soap and water might take care of that, honey.

Back at the Blair Ulong Project some dumbass decided it would be a good idea to walk in pitch blackness to try and find the Bat Cave before the impending storm arrived. Never let it be said that brains were a requirement for placement on the Survivor cast. Someone had the foresight to scoop some hot embers into a container to take to the cave. Unfortunately, no one had the wherewithal to somehow use the fire for…oh, I don’t know…maybe LIGHT??? The Motley Crew lost their way several times until finally Angie could take it no more. She turned the camera on herself crying and sobbed, “Maybe this is all my fault… it was my project…I am sooo scared!” No one knows what happened to the group and the only evidence was a videotape found at the edge of the woods.

And suddenly it was Reward Challenge time! Oh, wait! It’s also Immunity Challenge time. And this time with a twist! No…the twist was NOT a prize sans food. Rest assured, there would be plenty of culinary gluttony. No, the twist was diabolical! Jeff Prober first announced that the winner of the challenge would enjoy a hearty meal of Dinty Moore “Beef-like” Rat Stew. That was the good news. The bad news was, the winning tribe would also be voting off a member at Tribal Council that night. The losers would NOT partake in the Henry VIII feast but would be subjected to their own Tribal Council as the winners sat nearby and slobbered like a St. Bernard in heat. Not nice at all, Mr. Probst!

The challenge itself seemed simple enough. Members sat atop a small car ferry one by one as the remaining tribe mates pulled them out to an old underwater wreck. Deep in the ocean, attached to the rust, were several bottles of Saki roped randomly amid the squid. Each Survivor had to dive to the wreck, release a bottle, then wait as their tribemates pulled them back to the dock for a rowdy game of Quarters. I really thought Ulong would win this one. I figured James would go into the DT’s when the first bottle hit the surface and the Twelve Steps became but a vague memory in his vacuous head. Then I realized that James probably thought “Saki” was some sort of elixir you rub on your feet to make the corns go away. Too bad. If it had been cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Ulong would have ROCKED!

They didn’t rock, not entirely, although it was a very close race until Ibrehem got his turn. Mr. Tall, Dark, and Can’t Swim dove about four feet several times and just couldn’t seem to get the bottle loose (um…Ibrehem….try “pulling” on it). Whatsa matter, Ibrehem??? Afraid of the WAAAA-WAAAA? Ulong fell way behind as the Mark Spitz Notevergonnabe gave up and had to be hauled back to the dock. The remaining members made a valiant effort to recoup some time and nearly came back for the win, but in the end, Koror won the Willard Idol thanks to Mr. Flipper himself, Ian the Dolphin Trainer. Flipper, go get Gramps! Go get help, Flipper…oops, sorry. Got my 50’s TV shows mixed up.

Later, the conniving began. With both tribes facing a vote, tempers flared.

James came down hard on Ibrehem for losing the Saki challenge. James seemed to have quickly forgotten that just a few days ago he was beaten not once, but twice by a guy who gives manicures for a living. On a similar note…in a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy moment over at Koror, Coby consoled the soon-to-be ousted Willard, who in appreciation offered his pants to Coby. Um, Willard? When Coby said, “Hey, Monkey-Man, since we are voting you off tonight, how about I take a look at THOSE?”...and pointed “down there”…he wasn’t talking about your Haggar Slacks.

Nuts, Willard. Hot nuts. You get them from the peanut man.

By the way…who the hell is Jenn anyway, except someone whose laughter is like rubbing Styrofoam in one hand while scraping fingernails across the blackboard with the other? Well, that and also the one who has several STD’s. I heard that somewhere.

Tribal Council came first for Koror, who at that point couldn’t care less about who got voted off, just bring on the STEW! Boston Rob’s dad Tom had a few choice words but he could not top the eloquence of Coby’s “I am the butterfly” speech. He’s the hostess with the mostest! If only he could pass on some of that social prowess to Willard, who could not have looked less happy to be on Survivor if he had a sign taped on his back that said, “KICK ME…OFF.” Be careful what you wish for, Willard. You just might get it.

After Willard’s passing, the Koror pigs moved over to the opposite side of the Tribal Council area and began scarfing their Possum Brew. As the trough was emptied, the Ulong Losers arrived for yet another devastating vote. I really felt bad for Ulong having to sit there while the Koror hogs inhaled their food. Have a little mercy, Koror! At least PRETEND like you feel bad about it!

The dejected Ulongs vented their frustration as Ibrehem sat in the corner awaiting his fate. He was, after all, slated to get the axe due to his never having taken swim lessons at the Y. Suddenly our closet homosexual host Jeff Probst sprang yet another demonic twist to the show. Koror’s job was not yet over! In between bites they had to vote for one person on Ulong to have immunity! Egads, what’s happening now? Everything is just topsy turvy and all backward like sometimes when I put my underwear on inside out and don’t even realize it!

Lo and behold, Ibrehem Louganis got the most votes and was immune from the spiritual guillotine. Well, now THAT put a wrench in things, didn’t it? As it turned out, the person who most kicked butt in all the challenges got her butt kicked off the Ulong team. Angie is going home, and no need for CBS to worry about her giving away any secrets. After spending a week and a half in the tropics, pale Angie still looks like she was on “Survivor Alaska!” and no one will ever believe she was anywhere near the equator. It was a sad moment for all as she gave up her fire and walked off with Peanuts lunchbox in hand. Next time, bring a backpack like the rest of the dorks.

ROSWELL SOLVED! 

Survivor Palau Week 4

We are not always privy to what goes on at Palau when the cameras are turned away. The truth is out there, but I have been sworn to secrecy in the interest of national security. What I CAN tell you is that Ulong was all prepared to vote off James when suddenly the MIB appeared from the jungle, wearing neatly pressed suits and sunglasses at night (so they can, so they can see the light…). Everything was very hush-hush but in the end, Kim was voted off and hauled away in a black Cadillac. That’s about all I know, except I did catch someone’s voice on the video saying something like “…alien autopsy, gotta get the x-rays to compare…” Let it be, my friends. You don’t want to open that can of worms. My superior intellect was able to piece together a mere fraction of the truth, not nearly enough to be damning, and yet I wake now in cold sweats with a strange rawness in the rear nether-region. Is it Yen King’s General Tso’s spicy chicken coming back to haunt me? Or have I been probed….

Let’s start at the very beginning.

After Tiny Tim Jeff was voted off last week, the Ulong tribe was on edge. James was becoming sick and tired of all the slackers and vowed to “stomp on anyone’s ass” who didn’t do their part. James, James, James…please use your trailer trash colloquialisms properly. I believe the correct term is “I’m going to stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry.” Work on it.

At Koror, tree mail arrived instructing the tribe to select one representative for the next Reward Challenge. No one knew what The Chosen would do, but they speculated that he or she would be visiting the rival camp. Coby stomped, shook his fists, and pitched a bona fide hissy fit because HE wanted to be the one. “I wanna go! Boo hoo!” Everyone rightly ignored him and chose Ian for the ambassador. As it turned out, the representative’s job did not involve any travel. Rather, he had to pick a handful of tools from a mini Home Depot that the tribe would use to build a bathroom. Good thing Coby didn’t get the job because it’s really hard to do construction with a nail file and eyelash curler.

Hello, and welcome to another episode of Trading Spaces! Although we won’t really trade and we don’t have much space, this week’s project will be just as creative and rewarding! The tribe who builds the best bathroom will get a brand new shelter built for them by the Future Shelter-builders of America. Remember, our budget is only 6 tools and we only have one day…so let’s get started!

The Ulong designer, James “No, that’s not a football in my boxer-briefs!” Miller thought a Pacific motif with rainforest accents would be the way to go. As if he had a choice. He believed that the Thunder Bucket and shower should be a single unit with decorative stenciling strategically placed to enhance appeal. James measured the waste hole precisely based on the biggest butt in the tribe (Angie) while Bobby Jon “Shingles” Drinkard put in the extra mile. Good thing too because Kim “I’m the smart one of the group [because of my superior alien frontal lobe]” Mullen apparently used too much of her brain power, got weak and dizzy, and had to bow out of the project. Don’t be too hard on “her.” Earth air is quite a bit thicker than the atmosphere on Ceti Alpha VI.

James left no stone unturned in his designing efforts, even trying out the Port-o-Potty to ensure accuracy. It’s a good thing I wasn’t there, or they would've had to empty the hole on the first night. Look…I eat a lot of fiber, okay?

Meanwhile back at Koror, designer Ian “Giraffe” Rosenberger had visions of silk curtains, porcelain tile, and a lovely bidet. Unfortunately, palm fronds, dirt, and a vine leaf would have to suffice. Ian’s design had the lavatory placed deep in the forest with the throne and shower strategically placed apart from each other. A beautiful path led the way to the Tidy Bowl, which in my opinion was only a couple magazines and a crossword puzzle book away from perfection. Ian’s team worked hard to get their project done early, then sat down around the fire to roast marshmallows and wait for the judge.

The Ulong tribe barely finished their beachside “look at me now, fishies!” WC when the judge Jesse arrived. The tribe gave a quick tour, then let Jesse do his job as the Little Ulong’s Room was put to the test. Jesse popped a squat, fingered the toilet paper bark for softness, and then tested the shower potential with Stephanie and a wet t-shirt. Ulong even had a drain for their crapper, though I’m not sure how anything was going to flow given the kitty litter sand components. But it was a valiant effort on James’ part.

But not valiant enough apparently, because the Koror half-baths won the prize. As Ulong waited for the shelter crew…and waited…and waited….the Jr. Boy Scouts arrived with fanfare to the Koror beach. In amazing Extreme Makeover Home Edition moment, the construction crew built the mother of all shelters, complete with aluminum siding and a fireplace. Okay, really just bamboo mats and a fern roof, but it would have made Ty Pennington proud.

And the best news is, both teams came in under budget! Yeah!

Now back to the regular business at hand: the Immunity Challenge. This week’s competition was a Sumo/Gladiator one-on-one in which tribe members battled with decorative pillows on a floating coliseum. The loser was deemed "out" when he, she, or it fell from the ring and hit the water below. It was an exciting match that kicked off when Bobby Jon cried out, “Ah will ween the crowd” as he faced his opponent, the formidable Tom “Maximus Decimus Meridius” Westman. Here’s the play-by-play for the Immunity Challenge:

Bobby Jon vs Tom – no brainer (at least for Bobby Jon, because he lacks one). Point Koror.

Jen vs Steph – unfair advantage due to Stephanie’s high testosterone levels, but the judges let it go through. Point Ulong.

Gregg vs Ibrehem – brawn vs brawn and brawn wins. Point Koror.

Angie vs Caryn – Angie takes her opponent down in record-breaking (and back breaking) time. Point Ulong.

Let’s pause for station identification and review the game so far. Tied in points, Koror and Ulong seem to be evenly matched. Could it be that Ulong actually stands a snowball’s chance in Palau for a win? Let's see what happens...

James vs Coby – this should have been a giveaway. Lean, mean redneck vs flabby, pasty pretty boy. But what have we here? Chalk one up for the alternative lifestyles…Coby bitch-slaps James into the water! Point Koror.

Alien vs. Predator – oops, I mean Lara Flynn Boyle vs Mary Kate Olsen…dangit, I meant Kim vs Janu – Kim’s superior intellect does her no good here as Janu wins the challenge. How sad to be beaten by a woman whose femur a child could easily snap like a dry twig. Humiliating for Kim’s planet. Point Koror.

Bobby Jon vs Tom in a rematch – in all fairness, we know Bobby Jon worships Tom, so for BJ to win the match would be like beating God. Plus, what if there was a fire at Ulong and Tom was still sulking? He might be like, “Screw you! I don’t care if I am a trained firefighter, I’m not going to help because that Jackass Bobby Jonboy Walton kicked my geriatric ass at the Immunity Challenge. Piss off!” Tom probably wouldn’t have this attitude because, in fact, he IS God (at least the Koror God) but BJ didn’t know this. So he necessarily had to fight shallow. Point Koror.

At this point, it looks like Koror is going to once again trounce Ulong. They only need a few more points to win the match. Stay tuned...

Steph vs Jen – Stephanie’s steroid levels did not drop in the 10 minutes between matches, but there is no drug testing on Palau “BALCO Heaven” Island. Point Ulong.

Ibrehem vs Gregg – payback time. Ibrehem scores for Ulong.

Hmm…Ulong seems to be coming back for seconds….

Angie vs Caryn – Angie manages to BEAT her record-breaking time in this rematch as she pushes Caryn over the side like she was slam-dancing at the local Rave. Point Ulong. Tie game!

It all came down to James vs Coby. It couldn’t happen twice, could it? The delicate whiner could NOT beat the hard-nosed steelworker, could he? Two snaps and a twist later, it was done. James “Sparticus” Miller went over like a lead bouy. Game, set, and match to Koror.

It was a somber moment as the crowd gave the “thumbs down” to Ulong. Dejected and beaten, they headed back to camp as the lions lapped up the blood. Bobby Jon, devastated by his two defeats, turned back to the crowd and cried, “Are yew not entertained, ya dumb bastards?” The crowd was not entertained and Ulong left Rome as conquered unheroes.

Tribal council was the most interesting part of the show as Jeff Probst continued in his quest for the truth. He called Kim out on her laziness, but she decided to not use her telepathic power on him. Though she may look like a mere squash sitting on top of a toothpick, make no mistake. That engorged frontal lobe is home to a lethal psychic power, but her superiors have instructed her to abide by the Prime Directive unequivocally, under penalty of death. So she held back.

Jeff also berated the men for losing the challenge. If not for the women winning most of their matches, the victory might have been a lot more humiliating. Bobby Jon the Baptist was speechless, but James broke into an a capella version of “She’s a Maniac” and began jogging up and down really fast to tone his buttocks. When he was done, the vote continued and Kim was ousted from the group, thereby increasing the average Ulong productivity by 200%.

And so it continues. By the time the merger takes place, the one or two remaining Ulong members will have to try really hard to stay in the game. Wish them luck, they’ll need it.

Uncanny. 

Survivor Palau Week 3

Friends, couch potatoes, countrymen, lend me your “ears like a bat.” I come to bury Jeff, not to praise him. Like Romeo and Juliet…Anthony and Cleopatra…so many passionate relationships die a tumultuous death. So let it be with Survivor. The noble Probstus hath told you Kim and Jeff were amorous. If it were so, it was a grievous fault and grievously hath Kim answered it. Here, under the vote of Stephanie and all the rest – for Stephanie is an honorable Ulong; so are they all honorable Ulongs – Come I to speak at Jeff’s Tribal Council Funeral.

Rewind. Back at camp following Ashlee’s vote-off, hell hath no fury like a Grad Student scorned. After our illustrious Survivor host put the “Kim & Jeff” attraction on the table, Kim spit fire (and a little green vomit) as she trashed Mr. Probst's inSINuation (translation: I have a boyfriend back home who will see this and get mad) and denied it profusely, even as she snuggled with her paramour and caressed his hair (translation: I have not quite grasped the concept of “night vision”).

Kim: “I can’t believe that F-ing Probst! He is so way off base! Liar! Fabricator of stories! What a loser, he is so out of line!

Jeff: “Shh, shh, there, there [caresses her face]. Don’t you worry about that mean old Probst [kisses her cheek]. We don’t have to prove anything to anyone…we know the truth [slides hand underneath her buff]. We just snuggle to keep warm, that’s all [slips her the salami].

We’re with you, Jeff. Wink, wink. But I think you better talk to James because he is under the impression that there is some “sex-ee-ality” goin’ on. He’s got ears like a bat, remember?

Meanwhile, as members of Koror tried to build a new shelter, Caryn attacked Katie in a vicious catfight reminiscent of Krystal and Alexis scratching it out in the pool. The only things missing were gargantuan shoulder pads and a couple cans of extra-hold Aqua-Net. Coby almost jumped into the fight but he didn’t want to break a nail. Plus, he might rip his Calvin Klein bikini’s.

The Reward Challenge pitted man against floatie as contestants battled each other for possession of an inner tube. My GAWD! Not the dreaded “Inner Tube Challenge!” The CBS producers are cruel...just CRUEL! The first team to have one hand on the tube and one hand on their buoy three times would win the grand prize. In an unprecedented move, CBS did NOT provide food for the winners. Rather, they celebrated Martha Stewart’s prison release with a designer sewing and craft kit. Cool! Koror’s shelter DOES need some new valances.

The challenge started off with Tom putting the floatie around his waist, just like they instruct at the kiddie pool. Sadly, it didn’t work and Ulong took their first point. Then it was Jen vs. Stephanie, which was an unfair advantage due to Stephanie being part male. Again, Ulong took the point. The third round saw Bobby Jon and Angie vs Gregg & Janu. Being void of any fat cells, Janu sunk like a rock and was pushed around like a piece of seaweed. Angie, practicing for her future career as a WWE wrestler, kicked everyone’s butt including a couple of sharks as her partner Bobby Jon dragged the tube to victory.

Ulong won the sewing kit and you know what THAT means! No evening gown for Coby! Aw!

Back at Ulong Central, Bobby Jon continued to “do it all” in spite of him having the IQ of a slab of limestone. Go BJ! He cooks, he cleans, he takes care of everyone around him. Congratulations, and welcome to the world of the married woman. Bobby Jon JimBob better get used to doing it all himself for the rest of his life. Between the single-digit IQ, the Bobby Knight personality, and the Blue Ribbon spitting, he’s going to have to work mighty hard to find himself a gal with all her teeth intact. Such an attractive man. So attractive.

At Koror, Ian and Tom manage to slay three highly poisonous snakes. As they hung them out over the sea to cure, Sheriff Brody suddenly appeared on the beach and cried out, “DON’T GO INTO THE WATER!!!!” It was too late. Ian and Tom, armed with highly dangerous twigs, went on a pathetic hunt for three sharks that were stalking the bloody serpents. The guys gave it a valiant effort to be sure, but their choice of weaponry left a lot to be desired. The sticks MIGHT have worked if Tom and Ian had thrown them into the water - and here’s the crucial part - with the pointed end going TOWARD the sharks. They would have had more luck if they had decided to insult Jaws I, II, and 3-D to death. Do something…anything...it’s MEAT for Pete’s sake! Throw a palm frond…whip some sand into the water. Let Krystal and Alexis have a go at it! Let the shark bite into your arm and then beat it to death against a rock! Hey, it worked for Richard.

SQUAD 51, ENGINE 36, MAN DOWN WITH INJURED ANKLE ON PALAU ISLAND, THIRD ISLAND FROM THE LEFT.

Rampart, this is Squad 51. We have an Ulong male approximately 21 years of age with a torn ligament. The victim rolled his ankle on a coconut heading out to do #2 in the middle of the night. BP is 120/80, pulse 95, respiration 12. His pupils are fixed and dilated (but that could be from LOVE). Rampart, recommend we bring the subject in immediately so Nurse Dixie McCall can give him a full body exam. Heh. Over.

Squad 51, this is Rampart. Start an IV with WD40, 10 cc’s of Lavitra and wrap the ankle. Recommend the victim NOT participate in today’s Immunity Challenge. Over.

Jeff’s midnight “pinching o’ the loaf” turned out to be a devastating trip when he sprained his ankle stumbling on some of the local cuisine. Unfortunately for him and for the Ulong tribe, the Immunity Challenge was just about as physical as you can possibly get. All team members were roped to each other like a kindergarten class on a field trip, carrying 20lb bags of sand as they circled a track set up in the water. The first team to catch up with the other would win immunity. If a castmate slowed down, they could opt out (or be forced out) but the remaining competitors had to take on the sandbag weights of the departing members. Jeff was the first to leave, followed by the geriatric crowd on Koror, Caryn and Willard. In spite of having youth on their side, the Ulong tribe once again failed, and the man-attacking chimp Immunity Idol went to Koror.

At Ulong, Tiny Tim offered up his ankle for the tribal vote-off. Made sense to me. But once again, the human factor reared its ugly head when some tribe members pushed to get rid of Lazy Kim on one-in-a-million chance that Jeff’s injury would heal itself overnight. Hello, is ANYONE awake at Ulong? One of your strongest competitors…a SPORTS TRAINER, no less…is telling you that his ankle will take 3 weeks to heal and that you should vote him off. LISTEN TO HIM! I agree, Kim is a lazy, good-for-nothing (but-an-STD), but she has one advantage over her boy-toy Jeff: she can walk. It’s not rocket science, Einsteins.

Meanwhile, Kim should feel pretty good about the fact that some of her tribe mates want to vote her off rather than someone with a sprained ankle who will undoubtedly be zero help at challenges for at least a week. It’s nice to be loved. Maybe if she snuggled with the rest of the tribe they’d like her too.

At Tribal Council, Bobby Jon admits he is in awe of Koror’s Tom. You should be, BJ. He’s twice your age, ten times your IQ, and can hold his temper. Dream on. Other members said little but did show off their new Home Ec creations. The “Greek Goddess” look seemed to be popular, but no one could top James’s Flashdance look. What a feeling! James hears the music, closes his eyes, and he IS the rhythm.

It came down to Kim “How did I ever get into Grad school?” and Jeff “No Pain, No Gain” and in the end, a few smart members of Ulong managed to do the right thing and vote off the torn ligament. One small victory at last. And if Kim gets a little cold without her snuggle bunny, well…then her body temperature will match her personality. I just hope Jeff gets a good exam from Nurse Dixie.